James Macungie recently filed a lawsuit against Google. Mr. Macungie alleges that their contextual ad, promising one weird old tip to lose belly fat, did not work as advertised. The tip, according to documents filed in the Norther District of South Dakota, was to drink two glasses of water before every meal.
After years of having what doctors called “an offensive percentage of body fat,” Mr. Macungie was browsing the Internet one night looking for exercise advice. He stumbled onto a blog that used contextual ads sponsored by the search giant. The ad, pictured to the right, promised that those who clicked could lose a bit of their belly every day by following one weird old tip.
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Dear Sir:
I was a bit late to the CLE today, so I probably missed your explanation that you were doing a social experiment on the instructor to see how much of a dick you could be before she kicked you out. By the time I arrived you were already nose deep in your newspaper. I didn’t really have a problem with that. You were quiet enough and you looked pretty cool. Everyone was able to see that you didn’t really NEED to be there. It was actually kind of cute how we all pretended not to be impressed by your nonchalant attitude.
I really enjoyed how you kept telling the instructor that she was wrong. I’m glad it didn’t bother you that she usually pointed out that you were mistaken. I think it made you even more ambitious. You stopped raising your hand and just started shouting out your comments and the who bit. That’s confidence!
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According to WSWF TV, strip club workers in Atlanta successfully argued against a zoning change that would have forced their clubs to relocate. According to the story which is sourced to the Associated Press, “Residents in the neighborhood say the strip clubs are bringing down property values and contributing to home and car break-ins and other crime.” One of the dancers pointed out that the neighbors “don’t have to come to the clubs and they should just move.”
The zoning board sided with the dozens of strippers that attended the hearing. There was a heated debate on the issue that lasted over an hour, or approximately eighteen songs.
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According to Reuters, James Cleaveland and his gang of merry-coin-giving-men are the subject of a law suit seeking a restraining order to prevent these hoodlums from putting change where it doesn’t belong. In the city’s parking meters.
According to the article, “Cleveland and a group of friends took to the streets with pocketfuls of change and began shadowing the city’s three parking enforcement officers, stuffing coins in expired meters before they could issue $5.00 tickets.” These folks probably make very little money and most likely cry themselves to sleep at night after being berated by motorists catching them in the act of doing their job.
This is the most gang activity that New Hampshire has ever seen. Experts may be flown in from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department to consult.
The group involved is part of the “Free Keene” movement, which is a local cell of the “Free State Project.” Basically, they are trying to get libertarians to settle in New Hampshire so they can implement Ron Swanson’s ideal form of government.
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Bitter Lawyer is under new management. Attorneys Erick Rigby and Josh Camson of CamsonRigby, LLC took over the site on May 1. It was a relatively peaceful transition. The former editor acquiesced to all demands and left after minimal bloodshed.
But who are these new folks? Will they be as charming and witty as they tell people in their online dating profiles? Or are they criminal defense attorneys who never made it as professional comedians and will now force you to enjoy their references to Arrested Development and obscure 20th century physicists when all you want to do is respond to the latest Caption This?
Erick is a 6’3 hockey-player-turned-law-firm partner. Originally from upstate New York, he followed a girl to the suburbs of Pittsburgh. When that didn’t work out, he was left with a small but up and coming law firm, recently called “The Most Fit Law Firm in Washington, PA” by a unanimous vote of its partners. Growing up in the snowy tundra of New York, Erick often spent hours alone in the snow, curled in his former pet tauntaun’s skin, keeping himself warm with the laughter from his own wit.
Josh is a long-time Lawyerist contributor. More importantly, as a former fat person he has honed his wit the way a hummingbird choreographs a mid-air dance (look it up). Known for his ridiculous outfits and offensive bow-ties, he has been told by a seven year old client that he “looks like a clown.” Due to his quantity over quality style of dating, he has numerous enemies in the Pittsburgh community. To relate to his clients and avoid enemies, he often uses burn phones, from which he sends hilarious text messages.
The new team is looking for contributors. Bitter Lawyer will actually pay you to be funny. If you’re not funny and waste our time, we will send you a bill. For more information or to pitch an idea, just send an e-mail to email@bitterlawyer.com. An intern or a volunteer-unemployed-law-student will read all e-mails.
What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on here?
Put your lawyerly wisdom to the test and post a comment below or on Facebook with a witty, hilarious, or brilliant caption to this comic, courtesy of Shutterstock.com. And keep it clean(ish) and, y’know, respectful.
The editor’s pick will be announced next week, and then we’ll post the comic with the winning caption on Facebook.
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According to the Phoenix Sun Times, police arrested Bret Saltus for a number of crimes stemming from his alleged streak of drive-by masturbations. How did he get into this sticky situation? According to the article on the Times’ blog, “police say he’d pull over his truck, open the doors, and masturbate in front of children, before speeding away.”
Saltus was caught red handed when police investigating one incident followed his truck and caught him in the act on the side of the road. When police boxed his car in, he was unable to work his gear shift properly. As a result he backed into one detective’s car. He struggled as officers pulled him out of his car, but was eventually tazed and handcuffed. Sources are silent as to whether he is into that kind of thing.
The incident may lead to new talks on Arizona’s distracted driving law. Currently the state has only banned cell phone use for school bus drivers. But undoubtedly legislators will now worry about what drivers are doing with their hands, even if using bluetooth.
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Ever ask an-about-to-graduate law student if he or she is excited about graduation, and get a forced yes and pained expression in response? Let’s take a look into the mind of a graduating law student. A scary place, but maybe we can gather a few reasons why graduation just doesn’t get law students revved up like it should.
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Here at Bitter Lawyer we don’t think you should ever be intimidated by opposing counsel. But the “picture them in their underwear” trick can be mentally scarring in this field.
A video of a public intoxication stop is making the rounds on YouTube. The officer gave a portable breath test, and the result was a BAC of .018. After showing the “suspect” that he was twice the legal limit, the young man pointed out that .018 is actually less than .08. Twice the legal limit would actually be .16.
The “suspect” then pointed out that he was a physics student and would obviously know that. Of course, a second grader would also know that. Apparently, the civil service exam was extra easy the year this officer scribbled out how many apples you have if you take two away.
Read on to check out the video.
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