Remember our boy Tucker Max, the guy who began Duke Law a hopeful lawyer and graduated a blogging sex fiend? When we interviewed him last month, he was embarking on a multi-city bus tour to promote I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, his new movie based on his NYT bestselling book, which is based on his popular carnal pleasures diary, TuckerMax.com. Based on his own life, Max wrote and produced the morality tale about “Tucker” (Matt Czuchry) and his two pals from “Clarence Darrow School of Law.”
After a summer of anticipation (and endless Gawker hating) the movie officially opens today.
Invited by the viceroy of vulgarity himself, Bitter Lawyer attended the Los Angeles premiere of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell on Monday. And while the movie reminded us a little of 3L (little long, few aimless moments, stewing in booze, not enough sex), diehard fans didn’t appear to be leaving disappointed.
However, unlike 3L, we actually learned a few things between the movie, the Q&A, and the after party. While we wouldn’t call it an educational experience in the classic sense, we are better for having gone. Here’s what we gleaned:
1. Most of Tucker’s Cult Following is an Army of Morons
We weren’t surprised that Tucker Max attracted a refugee camp of asshats to see his movie. Frat boys, fatherless women and the hopelessly stupid comprise much his fan base. (See videos.) One trip to the men’s room was enough to overhear 10 guys bragging to one another with mentee pride about how Tucker first inspired them to try one sex act or another. But what we weren’t prepared for was how dumb some people were. An actual exchange from the Q&A:
Fool: Tucker, I saw a screening of the movie a few weeks ago, and I was wondering why you took out that part in the beginning. Was it not working for you?
Tucker: What do you mean? We didn’t make any changes.
Fool: Oh, I got here late. Maybe I missed it.
Tucker: You’re an idiot. Sit down.
2. Traci Lords Is Old
Wait long enough in Hollywood, and you can see just about any underage porn star graduate to MILF and try to go mainstream. Making her appearance at the premiere, we didn’t recognize Ms. Lords at first. But when she stood to be recognized for her role as a horny cougar plagued by intestinal problems in the movie, we suddenly felt shocked, old and dirty.
3. Tucker Max = Rape Culture
Consistent with much of the tour, we saw protesters outside wearing signs that read: “Tucker Max Rapes Culture.” We then saw two of those signs, minus the protesters, mounted as trophies at the after party.
Now, as for that rape charge, we’re not buying it. At least not in Los Angeles. Because as Woody Allen can tell you, there is no culture here. And you can’t rape something that doesn’t exist.
4. Keri Lynn Pratt Will Not Go Out With You
Keri Lynn Pratt, a rather cute actress who plays Tucker’s friend’s fiancé, does not date Tucker Max fans. Here’s an actual exchange:
Lothario: Keri, do you want to get some drinks after this?
[Laughing and jeers from audience, panel, and the ushers.]
Keri: No. I don’t date Tucker Max fans.
Tucker: Sit down.
5. Assholes Finish First
Between Tucker Max, co-writer/producer Nils Parker, and director Bob Gosse, two arrests were made while filming in Shreveport, Louisiana last year. And guess who didn’t get arrested.
Did you guess Tucker Max?
You are correct, which means you were probably at the screening. So thanks for saying hi, assh*le.
6. Mary Carey Does Not Appreciate Ironic Tweeting
The bombshell pornographic actress and Celebrity Rehab star Mary Carey, who challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gary Coleman and finished tenth in the 2003 California governor recall election, put in an appearance right next to us. We sent out a tweet to announce the ironic proximity of legal bloggers to the busty porn star, but she tweeted back, obviously not picking up what we were throwing down. However, she also tweeted that she thought the movie was “fun.” And she’s not even in the film, which means her review is totally unbiased.
7. There Is No Buttsex or Law Firm Firing
Hardcore Tucker fans love his “Tucker tries buttsex; hilarity does not ensue” story, while the legally inclined favor his infamous story about how he was fired from Fenwick & West as a Summer Associate. For better or worse, those two did not make it into the movie. But don’t worry—just like any narcissist would do—Tucker has already planned three sequels. Fittingly, if this movie does well, he says the buttsex story will be #2. (Yeah, after a night at a Tucker Max premiere, we’re doing anal sex puns.) And his summer clerk chronicles will maybe come in part 3 or 4.
8. There Is Such A Thing As SeX-Ray Video
Tucker claims he invented a new genre of porn—skeletons having sex—which he produced during a naughty encounter with a female X-ray technician he met during the tour. She took him to the lab after hours and filmed an X-ray video of the two getting it on. Like any gentlemen, Tucker took the footage with him and immediately posted it to Break.com for all to enjoy.
9. Tucker Max is Not Immune to Poetic Justice
As Tucker explained to us just before last call at the after party, the kiss-and-tell tables are beginning to turn on him in today’s technological society.
“It seems as soon as I fuck a chick now, all she wants to do is roll over and Twitter about it.”
Case in point: “I Slept With Tucker Max, the Internet’s Biggest Asshat”
10. Love Him or Hate Him, the Dude Deserves Props
Whether you’re entertained or repulsed by his subject matter, Tucker Max deserves some credit. Though trained to be a top-tier lawyer, Tucker is hardly risk-adverse, having built an entrepreneurial empire around his talents and passions. (Pun intended.)
For the movie version of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, he’s gone even further out on a limb, taking a huge risk by saying “fuck you” to the 100-pound gorilla that is the Hollywood movie-making system. Refusing to sell out to the traditional development process of studio films, Tucker has accomplished two of the most mythical things in Hollywood: 1. Finding sizable independent financing for a feature-length movie; 2. Self-distributing it to theaters. The potential paradigm shift in movie making could be awesome, which means Max is an underdog we’re pulling for.
Not to mention, how many blogs have actually incubated their way from online to onscreen? That’s badass. Tucker Max is a pioneer who may be laying the groundwork for us to one day bring you Bitter Lawyer: The Movie.
Dare to dream.