13 Signs You’ve Gone to the Wrong Law School

If we have our timing right, most law schools are buzzing with new activity, with first-year students in the middle of orientation or about to head off to start their studies. But what if it’s all a big mistake? What if you’ve gone to the wrong law school? Here are thirteen important things to look for to determine if you’ve made the wrong decision.

  1. The law school’s sign is in neon. Worse, it flickers and makes a horrible humming sound at night when you are studying in the school’s outdoor “study yurts.”
  2. There is a tip jar at the front of each classroom. Professors manage to mention it at least twice during each lecture.
  3. The new career services director—the fourth one at the school in the last five months—is younger than you. You are 23.
  4. The school’s contracts course is three weeks long. “These days, you don’t need all of that stuff,” an administrator explains.
  5. The law school’s sole vending machine offers miniature bottles of Jim Beam and 32 ounce cans of Milwaukee’s Best. It also dispenses student loans, making it the school’s official financial aid office.¬†
  6. When you show up for your first class, most students in the class already have two 32 ounce cans of Milwaukee’s Best in front of them. Half have bought Harvard-branded Koozies to hold their beers.
  7. The law school’s mascot shows up at the beginning of each first-year class to do a “pep-me-up” cheer. The mascot is a 1992 version of “Eutectic,” the mascot of the St. Louis College of Pharmacy.
  8. For internet access, law school administrators give out the Wifi password to the Holiday Inn’s wireless network next door.
  9. The law school’s approved official hashtag on Twitter is more than 140 characters long.
  10. The law school’s most famous alumni is in prison, where he also got his degree. He has been disbarred.
  11. The best advice so far from the career services office is how to make “really cool” paper airplanes out of resumes. Top tip: don’t use cotton bond paper.
  12. During lectures, most professors drink Jim Beam out of little bottles and offer “free” autographs “because I’m going to make it someday as a legal analyst on CNN.”
  13. ConLaw refers to the school’s admissions office, not to any class offered by the school.
Gregory Luce is the editor of Bitter Lawyer. He creates stuff and writes various columns, including Legal Crap My Kids Ask Me, Ask a Futurist, and Postcards from Lawyers.

1 Comment

  1. Miscellaneous Lawyer

    August 26, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    14: Late assignments don’t attract a deduction, because “no one ever hands them up on time anyway.”

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