January 2010

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that give you more reasons for not getting it up than you need:

• Greg Oden has nothing to apologize for.  If your penis has to make legal news, at least it’s a dong so damn big that the word “Snuffleupagus” keeps appearing in headlines.  After naked picture of the Trail Blazers center hit the Internet, legal action, of course, ensued.  But in the ballsy (forgive the pun) Internet age, it takes more than a formal letter from some General Counsel threatening action to scrub the World Wide Web clean.  Here’s what you can expect in return when your lawyer asks Gawker Media to cease and desist.  They love their work so much they even say, “Hopefully, this correspondence will end up in the hallowed halls of the ABA’s Law Museum some day.” [Deadspin]

• From the NBA to the NFL: Can the league really own a chant?  “Who Dat?” is about to find out.  [ATL]

• Unfortunately, the most famous words so far from Obama’s Congressional addresses aren’t the President’s words at all.  They’re the fragments, “You lie,” and “Not true.” SCOTUS Justice Alito mouthed the latter (video below) during last night’s State of the Union when Obama said, “Last week, the Supreme Court reversed a century of law that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests – including foreign corporations – to spend without limit in our elections.” Does Alito deserve an “Obama smack”?  [New York Daily News]

• Former White House counsels and their Skadden legal drama: While Gregory B. Craig finds a new home in Skadden’s D.C. office now that he’s left the Obama administration, a former Bush White House lawyer isn’t having such luck with the BigLaw mega-firm. John Michael Farren is being sued by his wife, Mary Farren—a lawyer in Skadden’s D.C. office—for $30 million after allegedly beating the shit out of her with a flashlight while attempting to kill her, rendering her unable to work.  [UPI]

• iPad = iFlop?  Who’s sick of hearing about it already?  Regardless, Apple is facing some iProblems.  Mainly with the name.  Go get um, Fujitsu.  [WSJ Law Blog]

• K&L Gates.  What can you say?  Is it excessive for lawyers to collect more than $800,000 in fees and costs from an estate valued at $1.2 million?  As the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court said, it’s “unnecessary lawyering.” [Legal Blog Watch]

• What happens in Florida, stays on Facebook.  A teen was sentenced to six months in jail and five years probation because she posted a photo of herself captioned “Drunk in Florida” to her Facebook profile a month after being behind the wheel of a drunk driving crash that killed her boyfriend.  [Buffalo News via ABA Journal]

• Scott Rothstein is facing 100 years.  Maybe less, if he rolls on other lawyers.  [UPI]

• Celebri-Law:

—Brittany Murphy’s husband plans to sue Warner Bros. for wrongful death of his wife.  [TMZ]

—Relax, Bragelina were just enlisting legal services, not getting their legal, individual names back.  [Just]

• “Martin Short get serious as a calculating lawyer.” Oh, brother.  [Vancouver Sun]

• Poor “Infant R.” The baby got stuck being born in Indiana, which only has a paternity statute.  And now a court has to decide if it’s biological mom is the child’s legal mom or if her sister who gave birth is, as the state law suggests.  Apparently the test tube in which the baby was conceived has no legal rights at all.  [AP via ABC7]

• The Lords in England are all hotly debating the legality of the Iraq invasion.  Do wars have to be legal?  And what the hell is international law anyway?  Anyone?  [BBC World]

• A Northwestern Law classroom building had a big, ol’ classic American lockdown yesterday because someone spotted a man with a gun tucked in his waistband on an elevator.  The building was swept; no suspect or gun was ever found.  Classes resume, per usual.  Life in the big city.  [Chicago Sun Times]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as hilarious as Steve Jobs’ (fake) diary from today’s iPad unveiling:

• People of Earth: “Conan O’Brien is getting ‘Justice’ at NBC after all.” Days after leaving the network and the Tonight Show in a late-night legal brawl, NBC picked up an hour-long drama pilot from O’Brien’s Conanco production company with the working title Justice, which is about an ex-Supreme Court justice who quits the Court to start his own legal practice.  Sounds like the perfect co-star vehicle for Masturbating Bear.  [The Hollywood Reporter]

• It’s back to work for a law firm outside Port–au-Prince, Haiti.  Though, as the managing partner pointed out, it’s hard to practice law when the courthouses are destroyed.  [The National Law Journal]

• You know you’ve really lost your rocker edge when you go from banging Kate Moss in the mid-aughts to a judge accusing you of a publicity stunt after dropping a bag of heroin in court.  Pete Doherty’s lawyer tried to defend his client: “’He has a great many items of clothing – suits and clothes going into the hundreds. There were residual drugs, which he had left in one coat pocket. He didn’t necessarily choose the coat for himself.” Merely because he wasn’t in a drug-addicted sweat like was during his last court appearance, the judge let him off with just a fine.  [Daily Mail]

• With his hot wife by his side, Scott Rothstein, the disbarred lawyer who’s been jailed for months, pleaded guilty today in federal court to running Florida’s largest investment scam, totaling $1.2 billion.  After Kim Rothstein’s statement to the press, hilarity ensued.  (Video below.) [Miami Herald]

News continued below video.

 

• Laughing in the face of a measly $1.2-billion Ponzi scheme, R. Allen Stanford finally got a judge to approve payment for the defense team he needs for his trails over his allegedly $7-billion scheme.  [Houston Chronicle]

• Love is not in the air—legally speaking:

—Since they didn’t let gays online date, eHarmony settled a class-action lawsuit.  [SFGate]

—There is something wrong with a little bump n’ grind, as far as Otis Duffy is concerned.  The ex-jock

` filed a $3 mill lawsuit because chicks hit him on at the hair hair-transplant company, Bosley, where he

` worked as a salesman.  He blew the whistle on his co-workers’ raunchy antics of “fondling his rear end,

` grinding against him and propositioning him,” and he got fired.  Allegedly.  [New York Daily News]

• Boston’s crappy law schools oppose crappy state law school.  [Bostonist.com]

• As we mentioned in September, McDonald’s loves themselves a McTrademark lawsuit.  They are the original “big M little c,” but they weren’t able to legally stop a Malaysian restaurant from being called “McCurry.” In 2010, however, all be damned if they don’t put a stop to the speeding infringement train that comes in the form of a Special Olympics fundraiser.  The burger behemoth is trying to put the kibosh on “McFest,” a charity concert organized by a Chicago teen—who’s name is Lauren McClusky.  Their McEdict: Drop the pursuit of the “McFest” trademark by February, or prepare for court in December.  They may have to bring the saucy love of the McRib back for twice as long to make up for this bad PR.  [Wallet Pop]

• Do you really need a reason as to why UC Berkeley’s Boalt Law School is not releasing the times and location of controversial former Justice Department lawyer John Yoo’s upcoming class that he’s teaching?  Here are three: 1982; faculty lounge; bomb.  Namaste.  [San Francisco Chronicle]

• Stop the presses: There’s a situation where Nancy Grace doesn’t want to be on camera.  During her own deposition.  “Her attorneys say it’s necessary to protect Grace from embarrassment.” Where the hell have they been the last 5 years?  [PopEater.com]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as unexpected as Tim Tebow telling you to not abort babies:

• While Snooki fields offers to party with 2Ls, JWOW organizes her own press conference about her (and her breasts) safety, and the cast of Jersey Shore enjoys life in high demand—ahem, graduating class at Wisconsin Law—what happens next?  Will the group stick together and negotiate a profitable second season?  For Vinny, he was literally hoping to head off to law school at Harvard or Yale this fall.  But guess what!  We have a situation.  His LSAT score wasn’t stellar.  So much for that new Legally Guido reality show.  [US Weekly]

• Give it to me strait, doc.  How bad did major law firms really do last year?  Don’t sugarcoat it.  I’m a big boy.  Oh, seriously?  Only that bad?  [The Am Law Daily]

• Northwestern Law is offering a new “10% – for 10 years – screw it, we’ll pay 100%” program for grads going to work in the public sector.  Normally, those people have to put 10% of their income towards student loans for 10 years, but Northwestern says they’ll go ahead and take care of it.  All of it.  [ABA Journal]

• We already saw a little taste of this in the intrepidly awesome pilot episode of The Deep End, but can a baby legally have a daddy and two mommies, biologically speaking?  The future is now.  The future is monkeys.  [The New York Times]

• Lawyer boys and their toys.  Cars are the last refuge of the persecuted corporate schlep.  [PhilaLawyer]

• A seven-year-old died after receiving Botox injections, and to no one’s surprise, it led to a lawsuit against the manufacturer that’s heading to trial.  Jury selection underway.  Those with expressionless, paralyzed faces devoid of frown marks preferred.  [The Orange County Register]

• Law School Dirt:

—At Cornell, law school applications are up 52%.  [The Cornell Daily Sun]

—Proof that journalism is dead: Four journalists are now on staff at UC Irvine Law.  [LA Observed]

—A public law school in Massachusetts may be totally unconstitutional.  [BusinessWeek]

• 10 tips for work-at-home freelance lawyers.  Basically, don’t do videoconferences in your boxers, holding your baby from your mess of guest room with a desk in it while your dog barks in the background.  [Freelance Law Firm]

• What’s the worst possible name for a legal blog—other than fidoucheiarydoody.com?  [Volokh]

• Know who will replace Oprah?  Nancy Grace.  Get ready to curl up to the tenacious former prosecutor’s Swift Justice.  Switcheroo!  Booya!  It’s for real!  [The New York Times]

• For lawyers who dabble in the flat-fee game for contracts: Is it heaven or hell?  Angel on left shoulder: It forces “lawyers to be efficient, an anomaly to the law-firm business model that incentivizes attorneys to rack up hours”?  Devil on right shoulder: It only will lead to a bunch of corner-cutting to save time when lawyers sloppily fly through it.  Now what?  [The Business Insider]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that say, “Oh, Snap!  It’s bubble wrap appreciation day” (video):

• President Obama will not be available to personally responds to his summons for jury duty in Chicago today.  He has a prior engagement with the Los Angeles Lakers.  And wars.  [Los Angeles Times]

• Like lawyer father not like lawyer son.  The son of Vice President Joe Biden (Syracuse Law ’68), Delaware Attorney General Beau Biden (Syracuse Law ’94), announced today that he will not seek election to the U.S. Senate seat long held by his father.  [Washington Post]

• You know it’s bad out there when even Psychology Today tells you that being a lawyer sucks these days.  Don’t worry though, they offer some helpful tips for JDs in the job market.  Like this gem: “5. Know why an employer might have concerns about hiring a lawyer. Don’t waste energy bemoaning the lawyer jokes and complaining that it’s not ‘fair.’” Which is a perfect precursor to our Bitter Lawyer rule: If you’re a lawyer and have to remind yourself not to tell lawyer jokes during an interview, you’re a hopeless tool.  Cheers.  [Psychology Today]

• During the Great Depression, things were so, well, depressing that lawyers in Wisconsin would trade legal work for a “a chicken or two.” (WTF, is that true?) But times have evolved way past that, right?  Right.  Despite a headline of “Revenues, Profits Flat at Northern California’s Biggest Firms,” average revenues are still in the $800 millions.  Meaning: Firms are a long way from…crying fowl.  ??  [The Am Law Daily]

• Westlaw and LexisNexis are revamping their services to compete better with rivals like Google and Microsoft.  Also, they will now trade legal searches for a chicken or two.  [The New York Times]

• The Deep End who?  Besides, the only thing realistic about that show is that the first-years are all white.  You want to watch a true Caucasian legal drama?  The storylines around Glenn Close’s mega-tough lawyer character in the new season of Damages are going to be Madoff-tastic.  And Rose Byrne’s character will still act jilted and be crazy hot.  [Philly.com]

• “An evil Ronald McDonald goes on a shooting spree on a street overflowing with 7-Elevens and U-Hauls and Wal-Marts and Pizza Huts. The Michelin Men are bumbling, foul-mouthed cops on his trail. Bob’s Big Boy picks his nose and flings it on an unsuspecting victim.” That’s the gist of a movie appearing at Sundance that copyright-clearance lawyers would definitely categorize as a horror film.  [Reuters]

• “[R]eceiving early letters of admission from top law schools around the country has meant more security for the future.” Or it means you know sooner what institution you’ll soon be paying a bajillion dollars to in exchange for professional regret.  Same/same.  [Student Life]

• When New Year’s resolutions go awry in Houston, the old and fat start suing their trainers in record numbers.  Health club waivers be damned.  Hell hath no furry like a woman who just fell off a treadmill.  [Houston Chronicle]

• Hey, pretty lady, can I interest you in coming over to my place for some business school?  Wait, you’re not a bitch alpha wife, are you?  [Women’s Radio]

• We said that being an entertainment attorney is the best job in law.  But what about a celebrity divorce attorney?  If your clients are the unmarried-yet-rumored-to-be-contractually-separating Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, that’s a good gig too.  (Yes, ladies, it’s looking like Brad Pitt will soon be just another single dad.  With six kids.  That are 4 different races.) Who is this masked “top attorney” enforcing the unmarried pre-nup?  TBD.  [Telegraph]

• What’chu talkin’ bout, Utah cops?  Arresting Gary Coleman?  And his penis?  [Los Angeles Times]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that are a ray of sunshine—like Britney in court:

• It’s harder to cross examine a star football coach than it is a Catholic priest—so we’ve heard.  Mike Leach would likely be no exception.  Which is probably why a judge ordered Leach’s case claiming wrongful termination from Texas Tech should be settled in mediation.  [USA Today]

• In other sports news: Who wants to sign up for the new all-white basketball league?  Needless to say, it raises sufficient “interesting theoretical legal questions about private entities setting up entry barriers.” [WSJ Law Blog]

• Ratings for the premiere of law firm dramedy The Deep End were kind of shallow Thursday night.  However, future-lawyer Vinny and the gang fist pumped the Jersey Shore finale through the roof—scoring record numbers.  [SeattlePI]

• Remember how there was that The New York Times piece on the disenchantment of BigLaw that was published on Sunday?  “As the profession lurches through its worst slump in decades, with jobs and bonuses cut and internal pressures to perform rising, associates do not just feel as if they are diving into the deep end, but rather, drowning.” Ring any bells?  Sadly and ironically, a day later, John Mason Mings, an IP partner in the Houston office of Baker & Hostetler, committed suicide.  Mings certainly wasn’t the first lawyer to take his own life.  But more shouldn’t follow either.  Don’t feel isolated.  Seek help when it’s getting bleak.  Maybe Lawyers With Depression can help.  [The Am Law Daily]

• Associates, take ownership of your legal work.  Nuff’ said.  [The Legal Intelligencer]

• The Prop. 8 same-sex marriage trial is really heating up in California.  And it’s so important that even straight people should follow what’s going on.  Here’s why.  Live blogging!  [Huffington Post]

• The FBI allegedly broke the law by illegally obtaining the phone records of reporters—sometimes replacing the legal process with simply a Post-It note.  And as the report on the breach of wiretap laws becomes more apparent, there’s no reason to be concerned.  Obama said it was cool.  And that makes it legal.  Right?  [TechDirt]

• John Patten, the defense lawyer for NYC police officer Richard Kern, has a perfect defense for his client.  He told the court that Officer Kern didn’t sodomize the victim, Michael Mineo, with his baton after catching him smoking pot in a subway station—instead, Mineo was likely “digging into his backside” and caused the anal lacerations himself because he’s a scam artist.  So it looks like you really can go F yourself.  [New York Post]

• Mischa, Mischa, Mischa.  Can’t handle the Law.  Actress Mischa Barton was sued by her landlord yesterday after allegedly skipping out on her $7,000-a-month rent.  And around the same time, she was bombing her scenes as a guest star on the set of Law & Order: SVU.  [New York Daily News]

• Since disbarred attorney Scott Rothstein is in jail waiting to plead guilty to charges connected to a $1.2 billion Ponzi scheme, he doesn’t need his law firm office anymore.  So the contents are being auctioned off on Saturday.  But the action house is recreating the office in its original state including the desk where he ran his empire all the way down to where each one-of-a-kind $5,000 pen laid when they first entered.  [WSVN]

• Once bitten, twice shy. Samantha Geimer, the victim in the Roman Polanski rape case is taking a new legal step on the director’s behalf: She’s “asking that a Los Angeles court force U.S. authorities to abandon their ongoing attempt to extradite the filmmaker from Switzerland.” [Los Angeles Times]

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