[Ed. Note: The following is the second reply in Bitter Lawyer’s offer to Ask the Philadelphia Lawyer Anything. We received a ton of “interesting” entries seeking advice from the all-knowing lawyer/writer, but he is only answering three. The lucky person who submitted the below question just won a copy of The Philadelphia Lawyer’s best-selling book, Happy Hour Is for Amateurs: Work Sucks. Life Doesn’t Have To.
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Q: This question has absolutely nothing to do with law, law school, law firms, etc… The only legal aspect is that I may or may not go to jail for assault, depending on what you say.
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A: Good. This may be “Bitter Lawyer,” but let’s face it—nobody here wants to read about law. Law’s boring. Look at the pieces that get the most traffic here: Bits on breast implants, breasts generally and…breasts. Like everybody else filling out “TPS Reports” in Our Great Whiffle Economy, readers here want to think about anything that’ll keep their minds off the Matrix they pretend to care about for paychecks. Congrats. If nothing else, you’ve helped make someone’s quest for Monday-morning distractions a little easier.
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Q: The situation: For the past several months, I have been smitten by an extremely attractive former co-worker. Although she is slightly nuts, I have made my feelings clear—and been rejected. Fair enough. On St. Patrick’s Day, we happened to be at the same bar, and I drunkenly put a move on her, which she rejected. Again, fair enough. However, 20 minutes later, she starts making out with some douchebag right in front of me. Then a mutual friend of ours, who I consider a close friend and who knows my feelings towards this girl, admits to me he’s been fucking her for the past two weeks. So my question has a couple parts. One, am I permitted to call her a slut to her face?
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A: No. But not because some notion of politeness or chivalry demands discretion. Because the simple fact is: This woman is not a slut. A slut screws everybody. It’s the definition of the animal. “That which sleeps with all.” Black’s Law Dictionary, 12th Ed (1957). This woman merely screwed your friend, which makes her a garden-variety chick-you’d-like-to-be-banging-who-happens-to-be-banging-your-buddy. My advice is to do what most men do in this circumstance: Call her whatever you like. In the privacy of your apartment. Then masturbate to internet porn, get loaded and forget about her until the next day, when you see your friend again, and he goes on for 10 minutes about her Brazilian.
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Q: I also feel like either punching my good friend in the face/nuts or never speaking to him again. Is this a womanly overreaction, or am I justified?
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A: It’s on page 10 of the Marquess of Queensbury Rules: You can’t fight men over women, or women over women (the latter’s difficult to explain at arraignments). I won’t comment on fighting women over men. If that’s a possibility, you’re beyond my help. (But please send me an email through my website, as I may want to write about you). My advice is to cool down. Put it from your mind. You’ll find someone else soon enough, and the vision of this unrequited love that pops into your head every time you see your buddy—the one of her riding him in a reverse cowgirl position as he spanks her like a petulant child—will fade like the memory of the conference call you read The New York Times through this morning.
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Q: Being a big fan of your website, I know how you love fine booze. What is the ideal drink for getting over rejection?
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A: None. The only cure for not screwing who you want is screwing someone else. I don’t care if you have to go on a sex tour of Thailand, you need to get laid, yesterday. It’s ancient wisdom, predating Confucianism, Zoroastrianism…running back to the days of Neanderthals, that one can only purge the pain of love rejected by purging something else, into someone else. In the words of the immortal Stephen Stills (the wellspring of all sound, life-enriching advice), “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Long time.[1]
Barring that, magic mushrooms and three bottles of Veuve Clicquot Demi-Sec. (A little pricey, but it goes down like soda, and who’s more deserving of our generosity than ourselves?) Do not seek solace in bourbon. Liquid rage is the last thing you want in your bloodstream. A half a bottle of Knob Creek is the fastest path I can imagine, short of an eight ball, to an assault conviction for scattering your buddy’s teeth around his apartment. Stay cool and follow the time-tested wisdom of Frank Costanza: “Serenity now… Serenity now…”
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BONUS QUESTION FROM A SECRET ADMIRER:
Q: Are you hot? In my head you’re classically very masculine and sexy (think Colin Firth or Clive Owen), but then reason sets in as to the likelihood of that, and I think otherwise. I need a visual, PhilaLawyer. How sexy are you?
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A: Flattery will get you everywhere, and here it’s gotten you a book, but I’ve been asked this a number of times, and I can’t objectively answer. So here it is from my wife:
Thank you. Although he wrote an entire chapter about my anatomy, I never had the opportunity to return the favor. In a word, yes. The Clive Owen/Colin Firth scale is appropriate. He’s 6’2, thick, straight hair, great hands, a laugh that can be deep or a giggle like a naughty schoolboy, and expressive green eyes that get a wonderful side crinkle when he smiles. I could go on, but he says this has to be short.
She tells me women will understand that. I assume you’re a woman (or a very strange man), so there you have it.
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[1] Airfare to Bangkok is surprisingly cheap, I’m told.
The Philadelphia Lawyer lives outside Philadelphia with his family, including his non-lawyer wife.