March 2010

Bitter News, 3-31-10

by Bitter Newsroom on March 31, 2010 in News

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as hot as an offer to meet James Toback at the Harvard Club:

• Kenneth Schneider, CEO of a London-based M&A firm, international business attorney and performing arts philanthropist, was charged “with two counts of sex tourism for engaging in an eight-year sexual relationship with a young ballet dancer he met in Russia, federal authorities announced today.” What’s the big deal about that? It’s not like he’s a law firm peeping tom. Right up Deidre Dare’s alley, perhaps. Oh, wait. “According to the indictment, Schneider was working as a legal consultant in Moscow in 1998 when he met a 12-year-old boy who was a student at the prestigious Bolshoi Ballet Academy.” And you can pretty much imagine the sick s#!t that develops from there. Allegedly. [Philly.com]

• BREAKING: An early memo has been leaked about this year’s looming U.S. News & World Report hyped rankings. It was lifted straight from the desk of rankings guru Robert Morse, and the way the T14 is shaping up so far will shock you. There’s really no need to even review the actual rankings when they’re published on April 15. [Concurring Opinions]

• “Did You Go to Law School to Earn $12 an Hour?” No? That’s just another one of the problems with overqualified workers. [The Atlantic Wire]

• A golf war that isn’t Titleist and Callaway’s $246 million dispute: Back in July 2008, Andrew Giuliani, the son of former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, filed a federal lawsuit against Duke University after being kicked off the golf team for various minor infractions. Andrew claimed the former Duke golf coach lured him there with a promise he’d be able to play, but then the new coach cut him. Yesterday, a federal judge dismissed the case, and sweet Andrew’s golf career came to an end in three words: No enforceable contract. [New York Daily News]

• How’s this for one, big, meta, self-referential law-blog headline? Law Shucks covered Legal Blog Watch’s coverage of us interviewing the Wall Street Journal Law Blog’s Ashby Jones, who is famous for his law coverage. [Law Shucks]

• TMP: Too Many Partners. Break the silence. The partner purge has begun. [TechnoLawyer]

• You can whimper and cry poor all you want, law firms, but in the end, you know you’ll never be willing to give up the perks. Just look at how many firms gobble up suites and skyboxes at major sports stadiums. Cost watching the Minnesota Twins from the comfort of a luxury box? About two secretaries and a first-year. [The Am Law Daily]

• President Obama on Tuesday signed into law a measure revamping the federal government’s role in providing student loans. No more having banks be the “unnecessary middlemen.” So, what does this mean for law students? Does it mean “your debt repayment won’t be crushing and force you into a soul-deadening Biglaw job?” Or will you just be paying higher taxes? [USA Today]

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Yeah, I Smoke—So Shoot Me

by Bitter Contributor on March 30, 2010 in Columns

I’ve been a closet smoker for the past seven years. “Smoker” might not even be the right term. Every night after work, I’ll have 1-2 cigarettes before my roommate gets home, hop in the shower, and discretely hide this silly addiction from everyone I know. I may have hundreds of Facebook friends and a large family that, despite my chosen profession, loves me very much, but despite all these wonderful people in my life, I can count on two hands the number of people that know I smoke.

In fairness to real addictions, this is more of a habit. I’ve gone months without smoking during the past seven years. I’ve run a marathon and have a much larger, more dependent addiction to caffeine than nicotine. Still, I keep this nasty little habit secreted away.

I have a friend who is starting at Gibson this year. Smartest person AND best writer I know. Republican. Great guy. 0% asshole. He smokes. And yet, despite having a much brighter career ahead of him than me, he treats his habit the opposite. He can count on two hands the number of people who DON’T know he smokes. (His mom and dad, basically.)

At my firm, quite a few secretaries and two (as Matthew Richardson hilariously put it) Dirty Old-Man Partners smoke openly. At any point during the workday, the building’s back loading dock is populated with a couple hourly employees or guys with their name on the door having a smoke break. Afterwards, they re-enter the office—confidently—and resume whatever it is they do without anyone blinking an even slightly allergic eye. There’s no shame. None of them douse themselves in a courtesy cloud of Febreze in an effort to smell less offensive. No one seems to asperse them in judgment and/or patronizing concerns for their health.

So, I definitely didn’t think it would’ve been that big of a deal when one night I broke down and…smoked where I eat, so to speak. It was almost 9:00 PM, and the office was empty with exception to the three guys I was working late with on a ridiculous client fire drill. Wanting a break that didn’t include eating any of the florescent-orange, iridescent pizza one of the partners’ secretaries (a smoker, btw) ordered for us before leaving for the night, I headed out to my car for a quick smoke.

Given my erstwhile mention of how much I appreciate my habit remaining just between me, myself and I, I removed my suit jacket and dress shirt and put them in my car to keep the evidence off me as best I could. I stood in my undershirt in a corner of the deserted parking garage. No big deal. Til a female senior associate pulled in to fetch a file she forgot—her face immediately aghast through her Volvo window as if she caught me committing sexual assault.

She got out and shrilled, “I didn’t know you smoked!”

“I don’t. Normally. It’s just been a stressful night, and this seemed more satisfyingly destructive than cold pizza.”

Infuriated at how embarrassed I felt, put the cigarette out, tried more downplaying and prayed for the elevator to come so she could get on.

The next day, almost in perfectly timed increments, people would approach me to recite the same line I heard last night.

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

The most vexatious part is that it’s always a statement asked as a question.

I quickly realized that the senior associate from the night before must have went into the office (after leaving me to stew in smoke and shame) and sent out a mass email of McCarthyism-like proportions to every person in the firm whose opinion I value.

Like any office rumor, my smoking was highly shocking and compelling—and all anyone can talk about. I hate it. Even more, I hate how much I hate it. Why can’t I just not care? I did nothing illegal or elicit. And I know I would never call someone out like that.

I get that it’s no longer cool or acceptable to smoke, but why the hell can’t people just mind their own damn business? FML.

Bitter News, 3-30-10

by Bitter Newsroom on March 30, 2010 in News

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as American as a tramp stamp and Weapons of Ass Destruction:

• Even though people murmur and make mention of rumors that Justice Souter and Justice Sotomayor might, maybe, could be gay, America has never had an openly gay Supreme Court judge. Could “America” even handle such a thing? Well, the legal media is burning a lot of pixels today (here, here, here) on a non-event poll by Vaniety Fair that says 55% of people surveyed would support an openly gay Supreme Court justice. Our generous country even says that 62% of them would support a gay Super Bowl quarterback. Don’t even get us started on those Peyton Manning/Kenny Chesney rumors. [WSJ Law Blog]

• Speaking of the Supreme Court and diversity, SCOTUS ruled against a man who contended that his Sixth Amendment rights were violated “because African-Americans were underrepresented in jury venires.” [ABA Journal]

• The in’s and permanent out’s of college basketball:

—Kevin Willard is the new Seton Hall men’s b-ball coach, getting law school dean’s OK. [NorthJersey]

—Franklin Burgess, U.S. District judge and Gonzaga’s 1960 #1-scoring hooper in the U.S., passed. [LAT]

• When attorney Jay Korn jumped to his death from his office roof last week, it was discovered that he may have been a mini-Madoff. Three dozen people say they have lost about $11 million and have filed complaints in a new Ponzi scheme probe that just launched after he off-ed himself. [New York Post]

• Associates at Latham & Watkins now get to use unlimited vacation days. Jealous? You shouldn’t be. [Above the Law]

• Sometimes art—like Fox’s Glee—imitates real life. “Representing a DeKalb chorus teacher who allegedly allowed male students to strip in front of their classmates and engage in sexual dance moves, the defense attorney offered a startling rationale: ‘That is customary and usual activity at Southwest DeKalb. This is what the kids do daily, weekly, monthly at Southwest DeKalb.’” [AJC.com]

• The debate over “the appropriate role for lawyers and the importance of a vigorous defense” has been a hot topic in the Liz Cheney/”Al Qaeda 7” dustup. Here’s more backlash to the backlash of the backlash about the one-time BigLaw lawyers who did pro bono Gitmo defense work before becoming DOJ employees. [The Am Law Daily]

• You finished bottom of your class at a T4 law school. You blame it on how “isolated and alone” you felt in law school. Your prospects are dismal. Can even an LLM save you now? [New York Law Journal]

• What’s that you say? It’s time for Celebu-Law? Holler.

—Kelsey Grammer ended a lawsuit by paying a $10 settlement. [TMZ]

—Britney Spears met with K-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, for two hours. [TwitterGlitter]

—LA Dodger’s owner Frank McCourt’s lawyer “clowned” about CA’s most expensive divorce. [TMZ]

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BigLaw Madness: Elite 8 and The Finals

by Matthew Richardson on March 30, 2010 in Columns

Well, it was an exciting BigLaw Sweet Sixteen—especially for those who advanced to the Elite Eight. Without further ado, I’m breaking down the four regional matchups to see who advances to my fake FINAL FOUR, where I will crown a BIGLAW CHAMPION! Playing Madness God is awesome.
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Bitter News, 3-29-10

by Bitter Newsroom on March 29, 2010 in News

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as “still kickin” as 92-year-old attorney W. Jerome Offutt:

• It’s like 10 years worth of People’s Most Beautiful People issues wrapped up into one master, lawyer-specific list—except with less beautiful people and more lawyers! Who have lots of swing and power. Basically, it’s a list of the decade’s 40 most influential lawyers broken down by practice area. You dig?

[The National Law Journal]

• God does sometimes give with both hands. In addition to the list of individual lawyers burning up the scene, we also have a top-10 list of global M&A firms. Who’s number one? Can I get a “Woop! Woop!” for Weil, Gotshal & Manges? They’re cashing in with $90.8 billion in deals so far this year. [Reuters]

• Rounding out the perfect list trifecta: “The U.S. Chamber of Commerce’s Institute for Legal Reform (ILR) released 2010 Lawsuit Climate Survey, which ranks the states with the best and worst legal climates for business.” Worst goes first: Louisiana (49th), and West Virginia (50th). Put the best to the test: Delaware (1st), North Dakota (2nd). [Law Librarian Blog]

• Last week we mentioned how Donald Trump’s never-say-die show The Apprentice is looking for laid-off lawyers to fill up their new season. But now there’s a report that some law firms are looking for legal talent Apprentice-style. The Candidate Challenge 2012 even has the tagline “Play your trump card.” South African firm Werkmans is looking for the best law students who are in their “penultimate year of studying” to compete for the firm’s 2012 intake of candidate attorneys. [Times LIVE]

News continued below video.

• Don’t stop til Yoo get enough. A lot has been written this year about the unrepentant John Yoo. He was recently cleared for his involvement with the infamous torture memos as a Bush administration lawyer, he sparred with (and won against) John Stewart, and he’s a lightening rod as a Boalt Hall School of Law professor at the “the People’s Republic of Berkeley.” A profile of his last few months and his life now… [Los Angeles Times]

• Whose late to the party? Um, Massachusetts School of Law at Andover students who think they’re going to graduate and ride the bankruptcy wave. Also, I’ve heard this little company called Google is supposed to do some big things. Maybe buy some stock in it. [Boston.com]

• Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Because it might explode and kill you. Florida lawyer Gary Dorst found a grenade hanging from the front door of his law office Sunday night. Listen to Dorst’s 9-1-1 call here. [Central Florida News 13]

• How not to de-stress: Road rage on fellow motorists’ faces. “Michael Diaz Jr., founder and managing partner of international law firm Diaz Reus & Targ, faces arraignment next month for allegedly attacking a driver and his girlfriend in a road-rage incident.” Though, in his possible defense, the girlfriend’s name is Nancie Grace. [Daily Business Review]

• Work too “boring” for BigLaw attorneys? “Cry me a mutha f(*#&(*in Godd@@*&% river!” sez the Jobless Juris Doctor. [The Jobless Juris Doctor]

• If you’re a fan of Breaking Bad as much as we are, then you’re pumped for season three and last night’s return of “Better Call Saul!” Goodman,” the “oily” lawyer with a heart of gold. [Cincinnati.com]

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Dear PhilaLawyer: My Crush is a Slut; Who Can I Assault?

by PhilaLawyer on March 29, 2010 in Columns

[Ed. Note: The following is the second reply in Bitter Lawyer’s offer to Ask the Philadelphia Lawyer Anything. We received a ton of “interesting” entries seeking advice from the all-knowing lawyer/writer, but he is only answering three. The lucky person who submitted the below question just won a copy of The Philadelphia Lawyer’s best-selling book, Happy Hour Is for Amateurs: Work Sucks. Life Doesn’t Have To.]

Q: This question has absolutely nothing to do with law, law school, law firms, etc… The only legal aspect is that I may or may not go to jail for assault, depending on what you say.

________________________________

A: Good. This may be “Bitter Lawyer,” but let’s face it—nobody here wants to read about law. Law’s boring. Look at the pieces that get the most traffic here: Bits on breast implants, breasts generally and…breasts. Like everybody else filling out “TPS Reports” in Our Great Whiffle Economy, readers here want to think about anything that’ll keep their minds off the Matrix they pretend to care about for paychecks. Congrats. If nothing else, you’ve helped make someone’s quest for Monday-morning distractions a little easier.

________________________________

Q: The situation: For the past several months, I have been smitten by an extremely attractive former co-worker. Although she is slightly nuts, I have made my feelings clear—and been rejected. Fair enough. On St. Patrick’s Day, we happened to be at the same bar, and I drunkenly put a move on her, which she rejected. Again, fair enough. However, 20 minutes later, she starts making out with some douchebag right in front of me. Then a mutual friend of ours, who I consider a close friend and who knows my feelings towards this girl, admits to me he’s been fucking her for the past two weeks. So my question has a couple parts. One, am I permitted to call her a slut to her face?

________________________________

A: No. But not because some notion of politeness or chivalry demands discretion. Because the simple fact is: This woman is not a slut. A slut screws everybody. It’s the definition of the animal. “That which sleeps with all.” Black’s Law Dictionary, 12th Ed (1957). This woman merely screwed your friend, which makes her a garden-variety chick-you’d-like-to-be-banging-who-happens-to-be-banging-your-buddy. My advice is to do what most men do in this circumstance: Call her whatever you like. In the privacy of your apartment. Then masturbate to internet porn, get loaded and forget about her until the next day, when you see your friend again, and he goes on for 10 minutes about her Brazilian.

________________________________

Q: I also feel like either punching my good friend in the face/nuts or never speaking to him again. Is this a womanly overreaction, or am I justified?

________________________________

A: It’s on page 10 of the Marquess of Queensbury Rules: You can’t fight men over women, or women over women (the latter’s difficult to explain at arraignments). I won’t comment on fighting women over men. If that’s a possibility, you’re beyond my help. (But please send me an email through my website, as I may want to write about you). My advice is to cool down. Put it from your mind. You’ll find someone else soon enough, and the vision of this unrequited love that pops into your head every time you see your buddy—the one of her riding him in a reverse cowgirl position as he spanks her like a petulant child—will fade like the memory of the conference call you read The New York Times through this morning.

________________________________

Q: Being a big fan of your website, I know how you love fine booze. What is the ideal drink for getting over rejection?

________________________________

A: None. The only cure for not screwing who you want is screwing someone else. I don’t care if you have to go on a sex tour of Thailand, you need to get laid, yesterday. It’s ancient wisdom, predating Confucianism, Zoroastrianism…running back to the days of Neanderthals, that one can only purge the pain of love rejected by purging something else, into someone else. In the words of the immortal Stephen Stills (the wellspring of all sound, life-enriching advice), “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Long time.[1]

Barring that, magic mushrooms and three bottles of Veuve Clicquot Demi-Sec. (A little pricey, but it goes down like soda, and who’s more deserving of our generosity than ourselves?) Do not seek solace in bourbon. Liquid rage is the last thing you want in your bloodstream. A half a bottle of Knob Creek is the fastest path I can imagine, short of an eight ball, to an assault conviction for scattering your buddy’s teeth around his apartment. Stay cool and follow the time-tested wisdom of Frank Costanza: “Serenity now… Serenity now…”

________________________________

BONUS QUESTION FROM A SECRET ADMIRER:

Q: Are you hot? In my head you’re classically very masculine and sexy (think Colin Firth or Clive Owen), but then reason sets in as to the likelihood of that, and I think otherwise. I need a visual, PhilaLawyer. How sexy are you?
________________________________

A: Flattery will get you everywhere, and here it’s gotten you a book, but I’ve been asked this a number of times, and I can’t objectively answer. So here it is from my wife:

Thank you. Although he wrote an entire chapter about my anatomy, I never had the opportunity to return the favor. In a word, yes. The Clive Owen/Colin Firth scale is appropriate. He’s 6’2, thick, straight hair, great hands, a laugh that can be deep or a giggle like a naughty schoolboy, and expressive green eyes that get a wonderful side crinkle when he smiles. I could go on, but he says this has to be short.

She tells me women will understand that. I assume you’re a woman (or a very strange man), so there you have it.
________________________________

[1] Airfare to Bangkok is surprisingly cheap, I’m told.

The Philadelphia Lawyer lives outside Philadelphia with his family, including his non-lawyer wife.

Bitter News, 3-26-10

by Bitter Newsroom on March 26, 2010 in News

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as apologetic as you’d be for having “negro” on the Census form:

• Rangers pitcher and “renaissance man” Darren O’Day scored sky high on the LSAT and MCAT, but his low ERA keeps him in the game. He studied a few hours in a bar he was working in before taking the LSAT, but trix like “reading books and writing memos” is for kids. [MLB.com]

• And while the Census may be battling a racial issue, so is a little St. Louis suburb. Claiming he was fired for not going with the racist flow, Larry White (there’s always an ironic name associated with stories like these), former police chief of the posh suburb of Ladue, filed a lawsuit because he got canned for standing up to pressure to “pull over blacks and set ticket quotas for out-of-towners, but be lenient with the town’s residents, even those who drove drunk.” It’s like verse two of a Jay-Z song come to life. I got 99 problems, and the Ladue police are one. [AP via STLToday.com]

• The hardest, toughest job in Washington: Grrr—dying to make an off-color joke here, but apparently the real answer may be White House Counsel. [WSJ Law Blog]

• Texas’ $5-per-visit strip club “pole tax.” Why continue with commentary when you’ve already clicked over? [The Am Law Daily]

• This is a whole different kind of “sin tax.” It looks like one lawyer may be successful in finding ways around the statue of limitations for alleged victims of sex abuse by Catholic clergy. However, religious officials are being compared to the Nazi regime for what some are considering to be “crimes against humanity.” Which means trying them in international court? [Law And More]

• If you’re having sex with a lawyer, there ought to be a post-sex gag rule. [PhilaLawyer]

• Let’s talk about something not fun now. Police determined that a missing lawyer who turned up dead in golf course pond staged his suicide to look like a murder. But the biggest missing link (relax, not a golf course pun) remains “Why?” [AP via Law.com]

• Don’tcha know: The Minnesota House of Representatives “recently killed a bill that would have prohibited government employees from staying at hotels that offer pornography on their in-room televisions when on official business.” Cause if that would’ve happened, some associates would end up in the wood chipper. (I know for darn tootin’ that Fargo is not in Minnesota, but play along please.) [Legal Satyricon]

• Don’t listen to your high school guidance counselors, ladies. It’s okay for women to be lawyers. Even in Wyoming. [Billings Gazette]

• It’s amazing how snoozy and uninteresting this Toyota debacle has become already. It’s like listening to 2009’s number-one song (and there’s debate over whether it’s a Taylor Swift, Black Eyed Peas or Lady Gaga song, btw) on repeat. But it continues to be a serious issue—and one that lawyers can make a lot of money on—so what really happened at yesterday’s big meeting? [The Am Law Daily]

• Start your weekend with a shot of Captain. Captain Obvious, that is. “Nearly 75 percent [of 30 practicing lawyers, academics, in-house counsel and CEOs interviewed] agreed that whether beneficial or not, the profession is experiencing a sweeping evolution that will be marked by permanent changes to billing structures, firm organization and value and efficiency expectations from clients.” [ABA Journal]

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I Got Busted for Running a March Madness Bracket at My Law Firm

by Ex-Bitter on March 26, 2010 in Columns

QI just got yelled at by a partner for running a March Madness bracket. Twenty bucks a person. No big deal. But when I sent him a copy of the bracket, he got pissed. Told me that gambling in the workplace is inappropriate. I apologized, and that was that. But I didn’t cancel the pool. Advice?
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Bitter News, 3-25-10

by Bitter Newsroom on March 25, 2010 in News

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as reliable as Shai LaBeouf’s stock tips—“The BL Bump”:

• WWJD in TX? What if Jesus were sentenced under Texas law? Have you ever thought of that? YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT? Baylor Law School professor Mark Osler had a hankering to determine if Jesus would have still been executed had he faced a jury of his modern-day, Baptist peers. He even wrote a book about it. Is it enough to make you empathize with the mob who cried out for Christ’s execution? What if Pontius Pilot got a call at the last minute that there was maybe still some DNA evidence to consider? It’s a very interesting interview wrapped up in a crown of thorns.

[Texas Death Penalty Blog @ The Dallas Morning News]

• Jesus makes the perfect segue into this story. (Thank you, Jesus.) The U.S. Supreme Court halted the Texas execution of convicted murderer Henry Skinner until there’s a review of an appellate court’s decision to deny a civil rights claim for DNA testing. [Houston Chronicle]

• The inaugural class at Univ. of California, Irvine School of Law—AKA the new Harvard—AKA the hot, new startup—has some news to share: They all have jobs this summer. And they’re all working in law—not at, like, Maggiano’s. The school was practically the Oprah of summer placement. And you get a legal job! And you get a legal job! And you get a legal job! [Above the Law]

• Lawyers are converging in a San Diego federal courtroom today where a panel of judges are hearing arguments about whether to consolidate 100-someodd lawsuits filed against Toyota. In the crowd will be lawyers like Mark. And Mark. Oh, and Mark. [WSJ Law Blog]

• Seaton Hall has a men’s basketball coaching job available. But if you wanna be coach, you gotta get through Law School dean Patrick Hobbs first. [NJ.com]

• Getting your J.D. in two years is impressive and all, but now we may have family doctors with an M.D. degree in three years. Just in time for the new health-care bill to take effect. Suck on that. [USA Today]

• You don’t have to work at TMZ to have your ailing mental health allegedly spat on. A former secretary at Davis Wright Tremaine is suing the firm for firing her after she suffered two panic attacks after her workload was unbearably increased. She had been supporting three attorneys, but due to 11 other secretaries being laid off, a fourth was added, which broke the camel’s back. We’ve written our fair share about support staff—but we never like to see them break like a camel. [The Am Law Daily]

• Listen up, 1Ls: This is ~~the truth about cats and dogs~~ the truth about how BigLaw hires. [Law Vibe]

• High you doin’, California? An initiative to legalize marijuana and allow it to be sold and taxed will appear on the November ballot. Or as CNN says, they’ll vote on “legal weed.” [Los Angeles Times]

• “Students at Brooklyn Law School were in for a treat Tuesday when Chris Noth and Julianna Margulies filmed The Good Wife on campus.” Producers baited law students with tables of sundries in an effort to make them extras on the show. We interviewed the show’s executive producers, Robert and Michelle King, back in January—and they didn’t offer us crap. A muffin would have been nice. [New York Daily News]

• Sad news—and an even sadder delivery method: Dennis Hopper’s divorce lawyer, Joe Mannis, revealed in court papers that the cancer-stricken actor is too sick to give a deposition. The Easy Rider has been battling prostate cancer while trying to end his nearly 14-year marriage. [AP via Washington Examiner]

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Ashby Jones: AKA Mr. Law Blog

by Bitter Success on March 25, 2010 in Interviews

Captains of the legal industry haven’t time for all the petty BS floating around the web. So when they want to know the hot lawyerly topics of the day, they count on the big guns to keep informed. And that’s where The Wall Street Journal Law Blog comes in.

Ashby Jones has been the lead writer of the Law Blog for a year and eight weeks. (As he would say, “Who’s counting, right?”) And whether he’s quoting The Onion or the actual Wall Street Journal, his job is to constantly post an eclectic mix of interesting and provocative legal news in bite-sized chunks that read nothing like a law school casebook.
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