50 Shades of News


Alan Petrusson has wood. The Ramsey, Minnesota native tied himself to a tree, put on a blindfold, exposed his genitals and waited for a lovely lady to have some anonymous sex in the park. I can’t knock the hustle. With all this pent up sexual frustration with girls getting hot and bothered by 50 Shades of Grey, you never know what might happen.

Sure, Alan Petrusson used to have to rely on a wedding or a funeral to find some vulnerable young lass to have some anonymous sex with, but ever since that book hit the shelf you never know who is DTF. This time Petrusson caught charges of indecent exposure, lewd conduct, and trespassing, but maybe next time the handcuffs will be attached to a bedpost.

Randy Swopes has been put on 24-months of probation and 250 hours of public service after pleading guilty to sewing his son’s buttocks closed to stop him from rocking a deuce. Swopes’ 14-year-old son suffers from Crohn’s disease and received an infection and month long hospital trip from his father’s needlework. Serious question . . . where did the kid’s shit go? Really mind-bottling stuff. Did he hold it in too long and the urge vanished? Did it burst out like it was the spaghetti press on a Play-Doh factory?

I’ll admit my knowledge of the human body comes from acid reflux commercials and the game Operation so I’m not an expert. I don’t see it staying in the breadbasket, so it seems like there are only two places it can go. Nonetheless, probation and community service for sewing an asshole shut. What a crock of shit. This guy needs a real pain in the ass—AKA sharing a cell with a guy nicknamed Tiny.

How was your Saturday night? Get into anything fun? Perhaps, like Christopher Slate and Sean Mosey, you had some dinner and drinks. Hopefully that is where the comparison stops. The two Tennessee men became incensed with their “messed up” cheeseburgers from McDonalds because of the lack of onions. Slate and Mosey then “went home and continued to drink beer and get worked up about the cheeseburgers.” Cooler heads prevailed, and by that I mean they returned to McDonald’s and threw a chunk of concrete through the drive-thru window and a brick through the front window.

Who the hell wants extra onions from McDonald’s, minced up like Masaharu Morimoto is working in the kitchen? It’s one of the top three things that will ruin a fast food order. Getting all mixed up in the ketchup like they are engrained in the bun. Those things absolutely ruin a cheeseburger. So, if you are saying two Southerners ordered EXTRA onions on their cheeseburger they are a certified whacko. Two drunken bros, eating McDonald’s late night, in the South—you got off easy with just some property damage.

P.S. The other two things that ruin your takeout/fast food meal:

  1. Wendy’s forgetting your barbecue sauce for the nuggets.
  2. When you don’t get ranch/blue cheese with your wings order. Don’t even get me started on the places that make you order it extra. Yes they deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell.
Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

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