The $5,000 Résumé

golden resumeDebbie Michelle Zamacona has pulled the craziest résumé move of all time. Emphasis on crazy. The 40-year-old Georgian claimed a ghost stole her curriculum vitae — which she valued at $5,000. Five. Thousand. Dollars.

I understand many people use the fancy paper for their résumé, but this is a power move and a half by Zamacona. According to the police report, Zamacona claimed a ghost stole a paper documenting her criminal history, a black and blue blouse, and of course what I can only imagine was a gold plated résumé. It does really make me wonder what was on her résumé.

With the job market as tight as it is nowadays, résumé writing has become a true art form. Do I include my class rank? GPA? Does anyone actually care that I studied abroad in Junior year of college? What’s my Objective? Umm . . . to move out of my parents’ basement and have enough money to occasionally drink something above well liquor when I am at the bar. What the hell are “skills” and “achievements”? I once ate 15 White Castle sliders . . . is that an achievement? Don’t even get me started on my skills. Girls only like guys who have skills. My skills: I wear fancy suits and say big words to a judge while I act like I know what I am doing. Boom . . . skills.

Then there is the stretching the truth portion of résumé writing. Does knowing the proper way to pronounce Chipotle make me bilingual? I spent a summer being the law firm bitch = “gained valuable knowledge researching and drafting motions and pleadings for a high volume litigation practice.” Computer skills: I know how to turn on a computer and use Microsoft Word. This likely makes me more proficient than a majority of your firm’s partners.

But stretching the truth for a résumé valued at FIVE GRAND?!? It takes a lot to surprise me with the amount of crazy that is out there, but when a “ghost thief” is the second craziest thing in a story you know this lady is special. I really hope police catch this villain so I can see this résumé. I don’t want to see it – I need to see it. Do you think she is proficient Word Perfect and Microsoft Word? I bet for 5 G’s she has to know all the secret shortcuts on Excel. It’s official — next job interview I am just going to tell them a ghost stole my résumé instead of giving them mine. Done and done.

Post image courtesy of Shutterstock.

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

2 Comments

  1. Ashley Casas

    January 7, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    This seriously made my day! You are not the only one who wants to see the content of that resume! I am dying to see what kind of paper she used. Must be speckled with diamonds.

  2. Lou

    January 7, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Ashley sounds like she has possibilities. How about it, Ashley. Spill!

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