Oh, the interview. Thirty minutes of your life that will cause you to drink like you just took a Property I exam. Did I focus too much on my personal life? Did I relate my favorite baseball team with my volunteering at the local little league? Will the interviewer actually call my previous boss where I stated I was a valuable clerk when really I was just the coffee bitch? Interviews can humiliate and dehumanize you. No worries however, Bitter Lawyer is here to help with honest answers for some of the most common interview questions.
God if I know. I was surprised by the lack of job prospects for my Political Science/Literature degree. Also, I thought you would be able to sleep with your clients and now I find out that is frowned upon. In summation, I guess the main reason would be that I absolutely hate myself.
My parents say I have a month to find a job before I get kicked out. I tried to explain to them that I am pretty close to finishing my novel and it’s going to be huge. Imagine Harry Potter if only Harry was a cat. I have had some writer’s block but once I get the title down I think it will flow pretty good. Plus my mom is back on Weight Watchers and refuses to buy me Oreos so I need some extra spending cash.
What is the area that lets me play golf twice a week and drive a new BMW? Yeah, that is the area that I want to go in. Is that the department I’m interviewing for now?
That is a really good question. I really consider myself a leader in the classroom. Once our Civil Procedure professor was 10 minutes late to class and I was the first person to suggest we should just leave. I mean really, the nerve of the guy. Here we are ready to learn about Erie Railroad v. International Shoe or some dumb case like that and the guy doesn’t even show up. So after a while, I closed my game of solitaire and grabbed my computer and left. Nobody else actually left and I later heard that he showed up a couple minutes later but my BFF signed me in so it doesn’t matter. Plus, I got a C+ in that class so obviously that Erie case wasn’t even necessary to learn. I’m sorry – what was the question again?
Oh, I have a ton of strengths. I might be the greatest Connect 4 player of all time. I can bench press 225 lbs. I am very good with movie trivia. But mainly I make the best Buffalo Chicken Dip. I will bring it to every lunch-in that we have. We will have lunch-ins, right?
Boobs and bourbon! If you want me to do anything . . . just give me boobs and/or bourbon. I will schedule my client meetings around happy hours. I will give my business card out to strippers more than potential clients. And if you want me to bill 2,000 hours, then you can bet that most of those will be geared towards late night “meetings” with the hot paralegal. That is a promise you can take to the bank. [Editor's Note: Women may substitute "pectoral muscles and Mike's Hard Lemonade" for "boobs and bourbon".]
Are you serious? That is one of the questions that will decide if I can eat something other than Ramen Noodles and Beefaroni? Ridiculous. I guess I would be a tiger so I can maul you to death like Siegfried and Roy for asking such a dumb question. Idiot.
Yes. What is the firm’s policy on day drinking?