A Law Student’s Letter to Santa

8 comments

by Not an Elle on December 24, 2012 in Columns

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Dear Santa,

You may remember me from last year. On Christmas Eve, I offered you extra cookies if you’d bring my J.D. and license to practice. You didn’t bring them, so I sent you a little reminder on Christmas night. Since I’m still in law school, it’s clear you didn’t put a bow on those things, even after my second request. With that in mind, I’ve attempted a more realistic Christmas List for this year.

  1. Grades back in a reasonable time. And by “reasonable” I mean, before the Spring semester starts. I’m not asking you to work a miracle. I’m just saying, I’d like to start my next semester knowing how the previous semester went.
  2. Office supplies. Highlighters are basically currency in law school. Don’t even get me started on tab pens. New ink cartridges for my printer would put me over the moon.
  3. Caffeine. I’m not picky: coffee or Diet Coke or tea will all work just fine. If you’re feeling extra kind, I’d also accept a caffeine IV, so long as it comes with a medical professional to administer it.
  4. To do well. We all want to do well, but we can’t all do equally well. So, my wish is to do well at the expense of the classmates I can’t stand, rather than the expense of my closest friends. (as an aside, if by some sorcery, the law school best friend and I 4.0 any class we had together, go ahead and give her the CALI. She deserves one for putting up with all my whining).
  5. General wellness. I would love to be in a classroom that doesn’t sound like a tuberculosis ward or an auditorium full of single-for-way-too-long girls watching the Notebook on Valentine’s Day.
  6. Less intense hangovers. Some of us cut out alcohol during finals. Some of us self-medicated. Either way, our tolerances are all discombobulated. I’m not asking for a free pass to down a fifth of Jameson in a couple hours and wake up hydrated and refreshed the next morning. But at 3pm the next day, I’d love to not still be suffering from the bottle of wine and 3 drinks I had the night before.

Now, if you feel like tossing out a few miracles, here’s the rest of my list: getting a decent amount of sleep throughout the semester, Professor McGonagall’s TimeTurner, and of course that J.D. and license to practice.

Thank you for time, and I’ll look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards,

Your Favorite Law Student

PS:  I’m putting out different cookies this year . . .

Post image via Shutterstock.

 

  • Evan

    No law student EVER looked like this blond! I would flunk out if this babe went to my law school because I would be too busy STUFFING HER STOCKING 24/7. It is because of the women in law school that prevented such distractions!

    • Bob

      This is the truth. I challenge anyone to find us (and prove) that any woman this fine ever went to an ABA accredited law school. There is no way, man, no way. The professors would be all over her in 5 minutes like a cheap suit, and if they were unable to get anywhere the guys, especially the 3Ls, would be pounding the pavement outside her house waiting to do headstands to impress her. No, this is a phony picture. I agree with Evan that this woman would not stand a chance in law school. She’d be married in about 3 weeks, and out of law school with kids in less than a year. If there are any women in law school who look like this, I challenge them to post a picture proving it. This is NOT admissible. I object!

  • Mean Partner

    Its an old photo: I believe she was top 5% at UCLA, has a 6m IP book at a major LA firm, and skis at Squaw Creek in December.

    • Roger

      BS… At an LA firm she would have gotten married to a partner or drowned in semen before making partner.

      • Mean Partner

        My, my having a problem with successful women are we? Is that you Keith Magness? Your personal experience is interesting but not applicable. She wouldn’t marry someone making less money than her. Spousal support can destroy an otherwise solvent lawyer. And you’re just jealous because all NY women don’t look like this one.

        • Evan

          Dude, I agree. This CANNOT be a real lawyer. All the lady lawyers I see look like mooses next to her. Bone-able, yes, but still mooses.

    • Hank

      The partners would be tapping that 24/7.

  • Iysnsesq

    Every industry has its own fair share of roach-brained mysoginists who seek to overcompensate for their lack of confidence around nonprostitute women by spewing in a forum such as this. The above posters, namely Evan, Bob, Roger and Hank, are such characters . . . spineless creatures who can only wish they could bone in real life and not only in their dreams. As a Solo Practice University member, I oppose our organization having any sort of affiliation with this group that entertains these vile beings.

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