Bitter Staff

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Caption This! 12-15-08

by Bitter Staff on December 15, 2008

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What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about courtroom meeting of the minds.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced at the end of the week.

Editors’ Pick 12-12-08

FSY: You’re telling me now, ten years later, that I could have looked all of this up online??

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Post image for Five Reasons Esq. = Douchebag

Nearly one quarter of all Bitter Lawyer readers are douchebags. This according to the other 75 percent, who said they wouldn’t dare use the dreaded—and hopelessly tacky—Esq. suffix.

But why exactly is Esq. synonymous with douchebag? We think the evidence speaks for itself.

1.  D-Bag on Wheels

BMW + Esq. = 5 Series Douche Bag

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2.  Bill and Ted’s D-Bag Adventure

Even Keanu knows better than to use Esq.

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3.  D-Bag Forum

Tough crowd, if you’re a D-Bag.

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4.  Wiki-D-Bag

Email to Bitter Lawyer (12/11/08): It’s sad that one-fourth of your readers have such crappy research skills they couldn’t manage to look this up on Wikipedia.

If those readers had used Wikipedia (sad that someone called that “research”), they would have found the following:

Regardless of to whom it is applied, the term “Esq.” should not be used when talking about oneself, or in directly addressing somebody else. The abbreviation is never to be put on one’s own name—as on a business card or stationery—nor should it be used with any other title, such as Mr. or Ms.

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5.  The D-Bag-less Magazine

It’s a magazine cool enough to feature Angelina Jolie on its cover; but it’s not about lawyers.  And regardless, even a magazine called Esquire doesn’t use Esq.

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Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Caption This! 12-12-08

by Bitter Staff on December 12, 2008

Post image for Caption This! 12-12-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this book drowning.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced tomorrow.

Editors’ Pick 12-11-08

ajc: Negative, the perp is not an ass-clown! I said he’s dressed as a clown!

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Caption This! 12-11-08

by Bitter Staff on December 11, 2008

Post image for Caption This! 12-11-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this police clowning.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced tomorrow.

Editors’ Pick 12-10-08

NO: What, this? No, it’s not because you’re drunk. It’s because you’re driving a cavalier. You’ve got to be on something to drive that turd.

Bitter Gift Guide: Ladies

by Bitter Staff on December 10, 2008

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If you’re hoping to make a certain woman feel special this year, here are six perfect gift ideas with a personal touch:

1. Kinara Red Carpet Facial Kit

“Red carpet” not only means celebrity treatment—it also means celebrity skin care.  For $145, give her the ingredients for an at-home facial identical to the ones used in the spa facials that all her favorite celebutantes receive at Kinara in Los Angeles.  Of all the things she likes nice and firm, her skin is her favorite.

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2. Gara Danielle Birthstone Necklace

Forget your adolescent perception, birthstones are cool again. The perfect way to personalize a gift of jewelry (and to attempt to actually remember her birthday) is to get her a Gara Danielle necklace specific to her favorite month.  And at $150, it’s affordable for just about any lady on your list.  Who has a neck.

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3. Digital Photo Key Chain

Entertain valets for hours.  Not just for proud ladies on the mommy track, this $40 RedEnvelope.com digital key chain holds up to 60 photos and is a fun stocking stuffer for any age.  It’s like the only part of Facebook you care about, right in your hand.  Enter promo code PRBL15P at checkout for 15% off your entire Red Envelope order!

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4. Seril Knockout Clutch

Angelina Jolie has ton of cool stuff that women want.  But since you can’t give her BP or an assortment of adopted and genetically privileged children, give her the same sexy clutch purse with finger holes that Angie likes.  Perhaps the bra-less model on the Seril homepage showcases it best.  Normally retailing at $545, if you’re buying this handbag (Style S1623) for a lucky lady, mention Bitter Lawyer and receive a 20% discount.

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5. Kassasoft Women’s Bathrobe

The Turkish are well known for two things: Turkish baths (kind of creepy) and Turkish towels (kind of amazing). So while robes generally look best on bedroom floors, any woman would appreciate the chance to wrap up in something as luxurious-feeling as TurkishTowels.com’s Kassasoft bathrobe.  And when in doubt in terms of color, white is always a foolproof option.

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6. Ann Cherico Sienna Gold Hoop Earrings with Horn Tusks

She’ll happily trade her business suit, stuffy blouse or apron for these funky earrings from Ann Cherico Jewelry Design.  Did we mention there are Swarovski Crystals inside those horns?  Women love those!  This is a gift best given with an I.O.U. for a night out.

Check Out the Men’s Gift Guide

Return to the Holiday Gift Guide

Bitter Gift Guide: Men

by Bitter Staff on December 10, 2008

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Generally the more difficult gender to shop for, here are six perfect gift ideas for the guys on your list:

1. MinoHD: The World’s Smallest HD Camcorder

Flip Video perfectly packages the fun and utility of an HD video recorder into the size of an iPod.  Give this to the guy who has things to record that are about 60 minutes long, and it can be USB connected directly into a computer to upload footage onto YouTube (or YouPorn) in no time.  And it’s completely reasonable at $230.

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2. The Art of Shaving Full-Size Shaving Kit

Believe it or not, shaving really shouldn’t be accomplished in the car with a ten-year-old electric shaver kept in the glove box.  The Art of Shaving’s full-size kit brings a man back to basics with cream, oil, balm and a brush to kill the whiskers while showing the skin some mercy.  It’s a $100 set that saves a good man from looking like the missing link.

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3. 2005 Lynmar Quail Hill Vineyard Pinot Noir

When push comes to shove, you cannot go wrong with a well-chosen wine from one of the best pinot regions in the world.  Lynmar Estate in the Russian River Valley produces some of the best lesser-known pinot you can buy, and it pairs perfectly with almost any dish.  Limited amount available for purchase.  Call (877) 282-3441 and ask for Kim or Lisa to receive free shipping when you mention Bitter Lawyer.

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4. Metrokane Vertical Rabbit Corkscrew

Pull the cork in three seconds and get the party started.  Any man that is (or pretends to be) a wine geek will appreciate a gadget that lets him put on a show.  Best part is that even a non-wine geek will love it for all its re-gifting potential.  And with a retail cost of $60 from

5. Ball Park Cuff Links

A little piece of baseball nostalgia with fashionable flair.  As America’s favorite stadiums turn to rubble to make way for bigger and better parks, pieces of salvaged seats from Yankee Stadium, Wrigley, Fenway, Dodger Stadium, RFK, Busch, Tiger Stadium, Comiskey Park or Shea are embedded in these tasteful cuff links.  A spot-on personalized gift from RedEnvelope.com for $150—except for Fenway, which run for $230 because Red Sox fans are insane and will pay it.  Enter promo code PRBL15P at checkout for 15% off your entire Red Envelope order!

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6. Arcona Basic 5 Travel Kit

Skincare—really?  Yeah, so stop acting too cool for a second and listen: Arcona makes it so easy that a guy can use it and still feel like a man afterward.  And sometimes it takes putting a skincare gift in his hands for him to even try.  After that, all it takes is five minutes in the morning and evening.  No matter what, guys wash their face, so drop $87 so they can do it with a little extra somethin’ somethin’.

Check Out the Ladies’ Gift Guide

Return to the Holiday Gift Guide

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Caption This! 12-10-08

by Bitter Staff on December 10, 2008

Post image for Caption This! 12-10-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this walk-the-line.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced tomorrow.

Editors’ Pick 12-9-08

Anonymous: “Who thought a man would show up to the big law secretary convention?”

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Post image for Caption This! December 9, 2008

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this jury selection.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced tomorrow.

Editors’ Pick 12-8-08

Anonymous: Boss Cat says, “U can has 30 minuts to clean our ur desk.”

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Caption This! 12-8-08

by Bitter Staff on December 8, 2008

Post image for Caption This! 12-8-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about bring-your-kitty-to-work day.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced tomorrow.

Editors’ Pick 12-6-08

Jeff: “Look… it’s MY sleigh and *I* am the pilot. I understand that you’re concerned about anyone with a beard and different headwear. But, you’re not going to have my chestnuts roasting over an open fire because I won’t let you strip-search me prior to boarding.”

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Caption This! 12-6-08

by Bitter Staff on December 6, 2008

Post image for Caption This! 12-6-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about Santa’s visit to Air Force One.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced tomorrow.

Editors’ Pick 12-5-08

Scotious: “Now I want everyone to open their eyes, and SHAZAM! I have your wallet! Courtroom magic everybody!”