Think you are having a bad day? At least you aren’t Alex Boulet. Boulet is facing felony drug charges following a traffic stop. Following three X-rays, a laxative, and “a cup of coffee,” police were rewarded with “a record for narcotics recovered from a suspect’s rectum.” The final hull: 84 individually packaged crack rocks, 218 Oxycodone pills, and 11.5 grams of marijuana. Holy Shit. A drug dealer’s starter kit in a convenient carrying case. This guy has an asshole like a Mary Poppins bag.
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An Italian couple is about to become two of the world’s oldest divorcees, after 77 years of marriage. The husband demanded the divorce after finding out the 96-year-old wife had an affair in the 1940s. Almost eight decades down the drain. EIGHT! Most people don’t even live that long and here Antonio finds out Rosa has a sidepiece during Dubya Dubya 2 and is like “fuck this I’m out.” Isn’t there some form of statute of limitations on being held culpable for cheating? Serious, it’s not cheating if it happened 70 fucking years ago. Antonio is about to make a match.com profile: “99-year old divorcee looking to find love like its FDR’s 3rd term. Must like soft foods and playing shuffleboard.”
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I am sure you have heard of the woman who allegedly died from drinking too much Coke. Natasha Harris died from hypokalemia that may have been caused by her excessive consumption of Coke. Listen lady, if you are drinking 2.5 gallons of Coke every day you deserve to die, because you are an idiot. That is almost two pounds of sugar just from Coke. Two pounds in one day! Oh, and she smoked 30 cigarettes a day and barely ate. I’m just surprised this lady is from New Zealand and not Alabama. Wilford Brimley would be pissed at this lady. “Did she check her blood sugar? Did she check it often? No! Then yes she deserves to die and I hope she burns in hell.”
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Guess who’s back . . . back again. Florida’s back. Tell a friend. After a week off, my favorite state to write about is back in the fold with the minx Melissa Mansfield. The Floridian was caught defecating on the side of the Interstate 95. Police also “found multiple open beer bottles inside” the stolen car. Class. Class. Class. However, rookie mistake by Mansfield. Everybody knows you got to take a pre-game dump. I don’t care if you are going on a date or stealing a car and drunkenly joy riding—you can’t really do anything at 100% with a dump on deck. It can be downright draining worrying about rocking a deuce in public. Last thing you want to do is shart. You already got grand theft auto on the ticket. No reason to add destruction of property.
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“A state trooper says an extremely drunk woman met him at the door wearing underpants and holding two yellow roses she wanted him to accept as part of her ‘cop fantasy’— before he charged her with drunken driving instead.” Officer Thomas Laskey received a call of a motorist that was driving erratically on the Interstate only to find 40-year-old Monica Barnhart who was four times the legal limit for drivers.
Fantasies are a two-way street, Monica. Guys want a lady in the streets, not a drunk driver in the streets. If you think Officer Laskey’s cop fantasy is a 40-year-old wearing “underpants” and holding a rose like it’s the fucking Bachelorette, you are an idiot. Sure Officer Laskey has probably wanted to pull over some young cutie and tell her to put her mouth around something and blow but a 0.28 on the breathalyzer isn’t want he was hoping for.
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What a strange week of news. Geraldo Rivera said everyone wearing a hoodie is violent. Couldn’t be more correct. SAT question: Hoodie is to criminals as big bushy moustache is to _______. Go ahead and fill-in pedophile on the scantron. Doesn’t matter if you report the ‘news’ or drive around in an Astrovan talking about free candy. It’s like the old saying goes: Guns don’t kill people, kids with sweatshirts and a bag of Skittles kill people. Something like that, right Geraldo?
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The Madness continues. Mixing 70-degree weather and St. Patrick’s Day is a ticking time bomb for dumb criminals.
Hopefully your bar tab wasn’t too bad from all the festivities. If you had multiple pages listing Green beer drafts perhaps you even thought about stiffing the bar on the bill. If you thought you had a cool dine/booze and dash story you are about to get one-up’ed.
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First, I’m extremely happy that my Ohio Bobcats made the tournament this year. Now all the “Bracketology” commentators can go back to living in their parent’s basement for 8 months and yelling ”Ma, the meatloaf.” (having “Bracketologist” on a business card, however, would be legit). But the NCAAA doesn’t have a lock on all the madness. It’s March Madness everywhere.
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