Cheese and crackers—what the hell is wrong with Florida? I’m not talking about the nice touristy areas where I can sip on a delicious fruity mixed drink while rocking a Tommy Bahama shirt and white linen pants. Nor am I referring to the retirement villages full of people cheating at golf and waiting to die. I’m talking about the people who call it home. Natural born Floridians top the list of dumbest people in America. Florida truly is the ass-backward armpit of America. Let’s have a round-up of news from America’s penis (hanging long and a little to the left).
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Is there a better made up holiday than Valentine’s Day? For couples, love is in the air tomorrow. For those who are single, the worst day imaginable is tomorrow. No matter. We here at Bitter Lawyer have you covered in all your big V-day woes. Many of you might already have your plans set. Flowers ordered. Reservations made. Fresh sheets on the bed. Personally, I will just be waiting for Paige Brenner to return my phone call. But if you are still pondering your Valentine’s Day plans, let me help.
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Happy Day After Puppy Bowl VII The Super Bowl! If you are anything like me, you are likely regretting some decisions made yesterday. Between the food coma/hangover/depression for not mortgaging the house on a safety as the first points (50-1 odds) the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday really should be a holiday. Somewhat like New Year’s Day being a recovery holiday for the night before.
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Relationships can be difficult. Let me rephrase that. Relationships are difficult. Especially for those in the legal profession who are often working more than 60 hours each week with barely enough leftover time to fulfill individual vices, let alone attempt to woo a cutie with a booty. Even for those individuals who currently have a significant other, relationships can be difficult to manage. Are lilies her favorite flower? Milk chocolate or dark chocolate? Do I ask her to be in an open relationship or do I just cheat? From the courting stage to the first date to the “Facebook Official” to the (likely eventual) breakup, problems can arise. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.
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Are you looking for a new nickname? Do you like committing felonies? Do you punch guys you date in the testicles after they accuse you of stealing from them? If you were thinking about using “Bambam” as a nickname, too bad—it’s already taken. Savannah “Bambam” Rios is facing felony charges of kidnapping, robbery and sexual abuse stemming from a confrontation of a man she recently dated. The man accused Bambam of stealing some of his belongings. Bambam, in response, led the victim to a room, slapped him several times, pulled a knife and stated, “You wanna die?”
Then it gets weird.
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An argment over a batch of burnt biscuits led to a man placing a meat cleaver under his son’s neck and threatening to kill him. Harry A. Woods III, 43, has been booked for aggravated battery following the alleged attack on his 24-year-old son. According to police, Woods’ daughter placed the biscuits in the oven then departed for a friend’s house. Woods’ son, also named Harry, was to watch the biscuits that would later be used for biscuits and gravy. This apparently fell on deaf ears, as the baked goods were forgotten. Woods the elder began arguing with his son and smashed a platter over his son’s head. Moreover, since he was hungry he apparently bit the finger of his son. Then he turned to the meat cleaver.
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What is wrong with Europe today? I’m not talking about the giant mess that is their economy or why some of their leaders sound like entries in the urban dictionary (read Merkel). Nor am I talking about why dead bodies are turning up on royal property. I’m not even talking about why Pippa Middleton hasn’t called me back yet. Seriously though, holla at me Pippa. No, what is really weird is why they are trying to become American with crazy lawsuits. Stupid lawsuits are as American as apple pie. Now they’ve gone international. I present to you Idiotic Legal News, European edition.
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I love the Holiday season. Sure, spending time with family and friends is nice, but what I truly love is how it brings out the crazy in everyone. Whether it is camping out at the mall for a deal on a toaster, panic buying your gifts for everyone, or drunk dialing someone on New Year’s Eve, everyone has a moment of stupidity. You could open a law practice specializing in Black Friday events alone.
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