I assume you all know that lawyers are stuck in the 1990s. Lawyers still use faxes. Many still hand write notes on yellow legal pads. Our offices are filled with filing cabinets from cases 8 years old. But most old-timey of all: We love writing letters. And when it comes to legal writing, its not how you start but how you finish.
Han Bitter Solo
They say you are what you eat. Well in the law firm setting taking time for an actual meal is frowned upon. Still, breakfast is the most important part of the day. I am of the firm belief that you can judge a book by its cover and that goes double by an individuals drink choice. Without further adieu, Bitter Lawyer presents: You Are What You Drink, Breakfast Edition.
It is often difficult to find time to workout with the busy schedules attorneys keep. You could be one of the psychos who wake up at 4:00 am to hit the gym before work. You could be the envy running joke of the office and sit on a giant swiss ball. Perhaps you are the hip associate who is doing Crossfit. Don’t forget that the first rule of Crossfit is to tell everyone you are doing Crossfit. Nonetheless, the summer is creeping up and it is time to start talking about how you should start getting in shape. No worries, Han Bitter Solo and Bitter Lawyer have you covered with a full body 5 day workout plan.
It’s tax day. Have you filed your
Form 1040 extension to file your Form 1040 yet? It is always a depressing time of the year. Two things will happen. First, you will be sad that you didn’t make more money last year. Second, you will be sad with how much money you have to pay. But no worries, Bitter Lawyer is here to help reduce your tax burden. We present your Top 5 Business Expenses You Should Try to Deduct.
Lawyerist tells me I am to send out Declining Representation letters to potential clients I do not retain. I guess it makes sense and often can explain what options a person might have while still remaining on good terms with people. However, every so often you get that special potential client. We have all had this person. They watched half of Erin Brokovich on TBS in between episodes of Springer and MoPo and want to take their chance in the legal process. Guaranteeing their case is a winner and is going to make you very rich. Either way the office has a “Free Consultation” policy so I must waste an hour of my day (AKA Money) to let them make my office smell like smoke and garbage. For this person, they get my special Declining Representation letter.
Marketing. Marketing. Marketing. It is often a foreign language for attorneys, but it doesn’t have to be. Shelly Simpson, a criminal law attorney based in Denver, has taken the idea to the next level. Simpson has had a steady flow of clients into her practice throughout the years but has had to hire three associates in the past year to accommodate the increase in cases being handled by the firm. Simpson’s secret, “We want to be our client’s attorney before they even know they need an attorney.”
Tattoos and lawyers have been a long held debate here at Bitter Lawyer. Many claim that visible tats will hurt your career prospects. Some claim that having ink will display your uniqueness to the firm. Personally, I believe it depends on your practice area. If you practice in tax law it might be better that you don’t imbibe in the ink. If you are a divorce lawyer, perhaps a broken heart on your arm will attract clients. However, I think we can all agree that Criminal law attorneys should be required to obtain prison tattoos in order to practice. Call it a badge of honor, call it a marketing ploy. Nonetheless, Bitter Lawyer presents the 5 prison tattoos a Crim lawyer must have.
Why do clients believe their attorney’s billing is optional? No, that is not the beginning of some bad joke – its an honest question. If you get your oil changed at the mechanic you have no problem paying. Need your A/C fixed, pull out that check book. Going to update your kitchen? Here is the down payment. But lawyers are a different breed. Sure I saved you thousand of dollars, or maybe even some time in jail but I guess that is not worthy of tapping into your savings. Here is an example of my latest client billing letter:
In a rather embarrassing admission, attorney Mark Klein has stated his clients are “always right.” It is a shocking statement to most lawyers. “I always thought clients were just mistaken when they said ‘my case is a clear cut winner,’ but, as it almost always turns out, they are correct,” stated the Sacramento solicitor. Klein states he has become a rich man, “all thanks to following the advice of my clients.”
Police received a call this week from a Utah couple that claimed they found razor blades in their doughnuts. (ATTN: Personal Injury Attorneys). However, after an investigation, police have determined that the couple, Carol Lee Leazer-Hardman and Michael Condor, actually placed the razor blades in the pastries themselves before ingesting the pastries. (ATTN: Prosecutor’s Office).