The fact that I no longer have a Facebook account means that I’m swimming against the tide when it comes to the popularity and pervasiveness of social networking. Clearly Facebook isn’t going anywhere, and all the signs seem to be pointing to an ongoing, steady increase in usage. So I thought it might be useful to provide a little guidance to the multitudes who still insist on parading each and every detail of their mundane lives on Facebook.
The following list contains things you must avoid posting on Facebook, both for your own sake and for the sake of humankind as a whole. Or, to put it another way, if you post any of the following things on Facebook, you’re a delusional, idiotic, desperate, attention-whore and completely lacking in self-awareness.
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CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND
TO: Men
FROM: Women
RE: The wearing of sandals for men (hereafter, “mandals”)
DATE: May 1, 2012
Dear Sir(s):
This CEASE AND DESIST DEMAND is to inform you that your repeated wearing of mandals has become unbearable for myself, along with the women I represent. Such anti-social behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form.
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It’s pretty hard to take the sting out of being rejected by a guy after a month or so of semi-serious dating, especially when the signs seemed to be indicating a reasonable likelihood of success. Sadly, I find myself in this situation a little too often, so by now I’ve got a system for dealing with my hurt feelings and bruised ego in the immediate wake of being rejected. It typically involves a great deal of drunken analysis, the focus of which is to compile a list of non-threatening answers to the question—”Why didn’t he want me?”—and I’ve had a lot of success with this approach for the past couple of years. Until recently, that is, since I’ve started to notice an alarming trend:
In three of my last four rejections, I concluded that the guy ended things with me because I intimidated him.
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Like most other maladjusted, self-conscious late bloomers in my viciously looks-driven co-ed Catholic grade school microcosm, I started keeping tabs on the specific aspects of my appearance that I hated when I was still in the fourth grade. The list went something like this:
- Enormous, crooked front teeth
- Huge glasses (it was the 90′s, after all)
- Lifeless brown hair
- Thin lips
- Hips too big
- Stomach not flat enough
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When I first heard about the class action lawsuits alleging fraud based on inflated post-grad career placement statistics filed against 14 law schools, I wasn’t shocked in the least by the allegations contained in the complaints.
Instead, my reaction was more like, “Yep, that sounds about right.”
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Like many smart and independent single girls, I like to outwardly project an air of indifference toward the concept of Valentine’s Day. But that’s all a big show, passive-aggressively calculated to increase the chances of being showered with gifts by whichever guy I happen to be involved with when the middle of February rolls around each year.
Unfortunately for me, I had gone on only three dates with Mr. February 2012, as of Valentine’s Day Eve, so it was damn-near certain that I wouldn’t be receiving an understated, yet still cute and thoughtful, surprise token of affection from him. I was correct. So I celebrated the fake holiday as best I could, given my dateless and giftless status: I downed one-third of a bottle of bourbon and came up with Plan B, i.e. ask every girl I know what they got for Valentine’s Day and then put together a blog post mercilessly skewering them (something along the lines of, “You know your bf’s a douche if he got you any of these things for Valentine’s Day”).
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I inherited a lot of things from my dad: cooking skills, small hands, a bad temper—and a burning hatred for Tom Brady. I usually assume that everyone else hates Brady as much as me. But at the Super Bowl party I went to on Sunday, I had to suffer through hours of female Squawk & Awe over Brady’s hotness. None of the other girls could understand why I wasn’t trembling with desire along with them, though at the time, I didn’t feel like wasting my breath defending myself. Instead, I decided to list my reasons all at once, along with an evidentiary record. Here they are:
1He’s a loser. I mean, come on—Eli Manning just beat him again!
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With each January day that passes, the hordes of people armed with New Year’s resolutions flocking to the gym begin to phase out, and you start to notice a sharp increase in overheard conversations involving women sharing various excuses about their inability to lose weight. I would like nothing more than to find a way to totally avoid being trapped in any of these stupid discussions in the coming weeks, so I thought I would offer the list below to preempt the need to have them in the first place. Here are ten reasons you haven’t achieved your weight loss goals for 2012:
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Maybe this is yet another example of me being an out of touch childless single person—but lack of direct personal experience has never stopped me from issuing judgment before, so why stop now? After spending all of Christmas day with my cousins’ babies and toddlers, my dissatisfaction with an ostensibly new cultural phenomenon reached its climax:
What is the deal with babies playing on iPads? What is with these iBabies?
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