Be Funnier: A Guest Post from an Annoyed Reader

24 comments

by Bitter Contributor on December 31, 2008 in Columns

It’s tough being a lawyer these days. Miniscule bonuses, salary-freezes, layoffs, snippy partners, boring work (if you’re lucky enough to even have any work). But what makes things even worse are the incessant, sophomoric, sexual comments on this blog! Guys, can’t you think of something better to say than “Poo-say?” Can’t you make a more nuanced point about male/female relationships than “Lawyers deserve hot chicks?”

For the record, I like sex and hot chicks too. A lot. (And for the record, I get a lot too. Fact.) So this isn’t some prudish, right-wing, asexual rant. It’s a “be funnier” rant. It’s a “don’t waste my time with stupidity” rant.

Posting idiotic, un-funny, 8th grade sex comments is just plain ol’ boring.  It doesn’t make my ten minutes on Bitter Lawyer more interesting or entertaining. It doesn’t inspire anger, hate or laughter—any of which would be terrific.  It’s just lame.

So if you have some compelling, biological need to post sexual comments, that’s cool, just be better at it.  Be funnier.  Smarter.  Edgier.  Angrier. Weirder. Anything but boring. And please, for the love of God, stay away from the kinds of phrases and words freshman geeks in high school tend to use, like “poon” and “BJ.” It’s lame when they say stuff like that, but at least they have an excuse—they’re 14 and have never actually had sex. Probably never even seen a naked chick in person either. Oh wait, something just occurred to me: The sex-less ass clowns on this site doing all the stupid posting probably never have either. Now it all makes sense.

You comment dorks went to law school thinking it would somehow be a passport to naked romps with cute women.  You sadly assumed that getting a JD and landing a job at some mid-size insurance defense firm in Philly would somehow transform you from loser to rock star.  Here’s a newsflash: It doesn’t. Women don’t care about JDs or MBAs when it comes to dating or just plain ol’ having sex.  If you’re a loser, you’re a loser. Fact.

So, I guess my point is that if you guys insist on reducing every single post on this site to some sort of sexual referendum on a lawyer’s right to get laid, just step up your game. Writing about sex for the sake of writing about sex—or for the even sadder purpose of reading the dirty words you wrote online—is boring. Actually, it’s pathetic.

Got a Bitter Rant of your own?

  • Alex Hump

    Listen to Sophocles, here!  We’re evidently not funny enough for this sourpuss douchebag.  He’s getting all the sex he can handle but is bored by our sophomoric comments.  There’s a simple answer for him and anyone else with a yardstick up his keester r–go read the New Republic Magazine, or better yet, go find another lawyer website of a stature more worthy of your precious 10 minutes of free time daily —Nancy Grace.  She’ll provide the type of quality legal commentary we cannot.  At the same time, you’ll be better able to multitask your way to figure out which one of your yearning babes will be anxious to help you park your peter that night.  The rest of us humps can only imagine all the fun you have had as a successful lawyer, porking where most other men has ever been before.  If you don’t like what you see here, why don’t YOU show us how to be sharper, wittier, more edgy, etc., etc., instead of pissing, moaning and whining.

  • Anonymous

    I suggest the bitter author take up lobbying for a cause worthy of his time, like this one:  http://www.lansingstatejournal.com/article/20081223/COLUMNISTS09/812230314

  • Anonymous

    Yea, funny dude.  That guy has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Perhaps if he starts lobbying for rapid access to toilets, he won’t shit is pants so often!  As for Hump, let’s all agree to get more serious for the new year.  Since Hump mentioned Sophocles, I thought I’d note that he was a Greek writer known for such important plays as Oedipus.  And he lived for 90 years, with no evidence of taking it up the rear!  Oedipus the King is generally considered his most representative work. Aristotle considered it a perfect tragedy. As well as all his works, this tragedy talks about fatalism, a traditional theme for Greek literature. Something specific to Sophocles is to focus upon the interior life of his characters. This kind of view was to be considered a very modern approach, in fact the early introduction of psycho-analysis technique to the dramatic writings. The plot is about Oedipus, main character, who kills his father and marries his mother in an attempt to avoid the very prophecy he ultimately fulfills.

    Oedipus cannot escape his fate, but he finally finds peace, after enduring the worst the fates had to offer. Oedipus still is the most played tragedy of all Greek theater.
    Most of the story takes place before the first line of the play. Oedipus, the protagonist or the main character, is the son of King Laius and Queen Jocasta of Thebes. An oracle predicts that Laius is “ doomed/ To perish by the hand of his own son.” After learning this, he decides to deliver Oedipus, his infant son, to a servant, with orders to kill him. But the servant has not got the strength to fulfill the king’s request and, instead abandons the baby in the fields, as the believes the baby’s fate has to be decided by the gods.
    Are we acting mature enough for this dillweed yet?

  • Anonymous

    I think this guy’s just f-ing with us.  If not, he’s a dick.  Wait.  He’s a… unkind, overly-serious fellow.  Better?  Or is it still too sophmoric?  By the way, Mister Don’t Bore Me With Your SEx Comments, your post wasn’t that funny.  So heed your own advice.  Douche.  Then again, I think he’s just f-ing with us.

  • Anonymous

    Youre right.  He is not funny.  He also is pathetic.  If I want POO-SAY, as he calls it, I will say so–there’s no more sophisticated way to say it, is there?  –i.e., pardon me, maam, would you mind accompanying me to my apartment so that I can access your vulva?  Come on!  We are lawyers, we have to be able to tell it like it is.  If we want sex, we say so.  If we think a girl is worth humpin’, we say so.  We are known in the industry as mouthpieces!  We have to be able to speak our minds!  The crack below about Sophocles is dull, though as sophisticated as Grey Poupon mustard.  Every one knows that those two got it on after the commercial, but don’t admit it.

  • agreed

    I agree with Annoyed Reader.  Douchebags that could never pull ass think that once they become attorneys, the women will get in line.  As Annoyed Reader stated, once a no-pussy-getting-motherfucker, always a no-pussy-getting-motherfucker.  Your personality has not changed.  Just because you have the most boring job that ever existed, you are not entitled to bang girls. 
    Then, when the girls don’t want to sleep with you, you bitch about how there’s no hot girls in the business.  No shit.  Who wants to bang female attorneys anyways (I’ve only come accross a few good ones)?  Go to the bar or the strip club or the gym.  I don’t want to discuss law shit with a girl I’m trying to bang.  In fact, I don’t want to discuss anything.  I want to get drunk and make some bad decisions.
    My only beef with Annoyed Reader is that he felt compelled to state that “for the record, I get a lot too.  Fact.” Why state this?  You sound like one of the clowns that you detest.

  • correct

    Also, the post is not a rant; it is a request.  And, as already pointed out, it fails it’s own test–it does not entertain.  A true rant would entertain and would not end with a plea.  Please try again.

  • Anonymous

    I think “Agreed” is bitter because he can’t seem to find the honey hole.  Poor bastard.  Some girl ought to give him some pooty-tang, in the spirit of the holidays, of course.

  • Poonetta

    Pastor: “Hello.”
    ME: “Uh, hello, Pastor. I need prayer”.
    Pastor: “OK, Lee. What’s wrong?”
    ME: “Well, my poontang is hurtin’ somethin’ awful”.
    “dialing phone again……ring, ring, ring”
    MIL: “Hello.”
    Me: “Hi. It’s me. My twat is really irrating me”.
    MIL: “Oh, is that his nickname now.”
    ME: “Huh? Who?”
    MIL: “I thought maybe you had switched from calling my son a stupid bastard to “twat”.
    ME: “hangs up”
    So, ya see, I’m in a quandry. When a women’s poontang hurts, she’s gotta tell somebody.

    “Hello”
    ME: “Patty, my poontang is killing me. “
    MF: “Why is your poontang killing you?”
    ME: “I think it was that Victoria’s Secret Sweet Pea Body Wash. It irratated my va-jayjay”.
    MF: “inaudible words due to extremely loud laughter”.
    ME: “Stop laughing, dammit. This is serious”.
    MF: “Hold on a minute”. “hear her yelling for her husband to come quick”. “Mike, Lee’s poontang is sore.”
    “lots of loud laughing heard in background”.
    ME: “hangs up phone” Great, itchy poontang and now, I’m feeling insulted on top of that!
    So, ya see, I have no one else to complin to about my “present” hurting. (yes, I actually know someone who refers to her vagina as her “present”)
    It started on Tuesday. Took a nice, long relaxing bath using VS’s Sweet Pea Body Wash. Smelled devine. The warm water and lovely smell lured me into staying the tub longer than usual. Later that day, developed a slight itch. Scratched it. Itched some more. Scratched some more.
    Tuesday evening, poontange burned slightly upon peeing. Then itched some more. Scratched some more. Looked in bathroom closet for that tube of Vagisil I bought 3 years ago. Couldn’t find it. Oh well, I was sure that it would stop soon. It didn’t. I started doing that funny walk….you know the one women do if they have an irritation or a yeast infection…..the one where you try to walk kinda squigilly so you can scratch your ho-haw with the seam of your jeans. This is the only time that you deliberately look for jeans that give ya a camel toe……the other cleavage.
    Suffered thru Wed cause I know that I already had a gyno appt scheduled on Thursday.
    Thursday……went to gyno…..same one that I’ve been going to for 3+ years, ever since I became a woman.
    After quite a long wait, I finally got called in. Told to pee in the cup. My pee was orange. And smelled like a rented porta-john after a Irish family reunion.
    Even with that good news, I couldn’t take my mind off the fact that my va-jayjay HURT.
    OK…enough was enough. Time to take matters into my own hands! (No pun intended).
    In midconversation about her sons , I scooted down and put my feet in the stirrups without being told. Shit….it itched! Finally, she takes the hint and grabs her instrument of torture. OMG!!!!! THAT HURT!!!!! Never had hurt before which makes me wonder can your poontang “grow over” if you don’t use it enough? And, I haven’t been using mine that much……believe me. That’s a story for another time. Anyway, it felt like she had stuck a mini-excavator up my “biscuit” and was scooping something out. Then, of course, there’s always that cursory “surprise finger up the butt” thing. I was sooooo glad when it was over.
    So, I asked her what the problem was with the itching, burning, and knock-ya-on-your-ass odor. She said it was just an irratation from something I was allergic to or a product that was not meant to be used on the vaginal area.  What???? Or, maybe, I should say “twat”????  I started to enquire about this last thing (things used that were not meant to be used) but, I noticed that she kept looking down. After, a few minutes, I looked down and there was my right boob……poking all the way out of the paper gown. Pulled gown together and continued coversation. A couple of minutes later, she is looking down again. Boob poking out again. This time, I figured, “She’s seen plenty of boobs” so, I just let it hang there.
    All done. Got dressed and went to pay my bill. I have no insurance. So, when they handed me a bill for $192.00, I bout crapped my pants (nice thought……itching and crap in pants at same time. UGH!).
    So, now I’m wondering if I can sue VS’s for my $192.00 back. Plus, the Vagisil I bought at WalMart on the way home.

  • Anonymous

    I guess “Poonetta” is the type of sexual action our Bitter Poster gets a lot of. “ Fact.” He can keep it.  What a dork.  Skanky

  • Bittersweet

    as a smart and attractive female lawyer….I totally agree with annoyed reader.

  • Wilbur Moore

    I disagree with Annoyed Reader and Bittersweet.  Men go to law school to improve their lot in life.  With a BA degree, you get middle of the road chicks.  But remember back to college, where the top shelf babes went head over heels (literally) for the dorky professor with thick glasses and ratty sweater that was inside-out?  Why?  Because he had a PhD.  It was the fact he was a Doctor of Philosophy that transformed this dork into a dreamy connection for the babes.  That’s why we went to law school.  Not just to get “the most boring job” but to get those same top shelf babes.  Agreed that we don’t want to discuss “law shit” with females (indeed “attractive female lawyer” may well be oxymoronic), but we believe we are ENTITLED to top shelf babes.  My family subsidized my law school studies to give me that opportunity.  So Law Men, don’t settle.  Insist only on the top shelf babes.  You may not find one on day one, but that is no excuse for settling for anything less; and certainly not the wealth of dumpy chicks that will come your way.  Don’t settle!

  • Anonymous

    Here’s a website that anyone can use to describe the poster.  Choose any sound and it will describe what I think of his opinion.  It stinks!
    http://www.fart-sounds.net/fart_sound_board.htm

  • Hot and Sophisticated

    The truth hurts, eh boys?

  • Anonymous

    Not really, you cow.  You can’t be a hot and sophisticated LAWYER.

  • BL1Y

    In defense of my law firm comrades, on average men have sex with 16.5 women in their lives.  I lost my virginity in law school (second semester…ugh).  I’ve since had sex with 18 women, 8 of them in just the last year.  More than one of them has been hot (if my alchohol-riddled brain recalls correctly).  While I’m certainly not picking up models on a regular basis, I have to assume that we’re not as desperate as law women would like us to believe we are.

  • Bill Dugan

    BL1Y tells it like it is.  His sexual record shows clearly that it is his legal status, and being a member of the bar, that is now getting him mucho crotch action.  8 in the last year alone is conclusive evidence of same.  I note he did not mention anything about boning any female lawyers.  That is because they aren’t worth the trouble.  Who wants to look at (let alone pork) a technical “female” that looks like a man with a cheap wig; sometimes with more hair downtown than on their head; especially when they start barking about contractual issues, or worse yet, corporate finance.  Do I really want to pleasure “that”?  No, and while I too don’t attract the top models, there are so many good looking girls just out of school, looking to “make it” in the big city, that don’t mind sharing it all with us.  Therefore, I am busy working my way through this crop of talent, waiting for the one who will rock my clock; and when I find her, I will marry her and settle down with her only–not cheat like Elliot Spittzer and other humps like him.

  • Anon

    agree. the truth does hurt da boys!

  • Anonymous

    So Law Men, don’t settle. Insist only on the top shelf babes. You may not find one on day one, but that is no excuse for settling for anything less . . .

    __________________________________________
    To sleep–perchance, to dream . . .

  • Anonymous

    Oh, be quiet, will ya?  Don’t you know that women are meant to be humped, not heard?  Read the picture, beeotch!  If you were something, you’d be doing something more useful for a man with your fingers than having them busy on your keyboard.

  • Shelly

    wasn’t it the point to step up the game? Anonymous below sounds like a super loser and does not appear to have read post above.

  • SDL20

    This guy is a dousche that isn’t funny. Period.

  • nobody

    If it makes you feel better, I’ve never posted a sexually-slanted comment.  It’s crude.  It’s crass.  And besides, I’m a virgin.
    anonymous 4th year

  • R. Duke

    That’s what she said. Boom tho’!

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