Bitter Factoids 9

It seems that Friday’s are day for these guys to slack off, again, and it’s not even good friday.

This isn’t advice on how to keep a man.  This is how to keep an empty shell of a man.  Do you really want rules on how to bring a man down so much that he’ll settle for being with you?
Here are some real tips on how to keep a man.
1. Stay fit.  This one’s just obvious.
2. Shave your legs, put on make up, do your hair, and do you other hair.  Yes girls, we really do care that your legs are a little prickly.  We might still have sex with you anyways, but we’re not going to like it.  And if you’re wondering why your man hasn’t gone down on you, it’s because he’s afraid of getting lost in the jungle.
3. Stop complaining about everything/trying to fix what you don’t like about us.  If I want to spend my time with a wet blanket, I’ll just piss on a blanket.
4. Go out to bars and clubs with your man.  A lot of the fun of having a hot girlfriend is showing her off and feeling like the man when you get to tell the losers trying to hit on her to scram.  Let your man have his fun.
5. Learn to cook.  Men love food, and a good cook will keep us around.  This doesn’t mean that you can stop at just learning what are the good places to have him take you to dinner, or learning what places have good take out.  We can get a Zagat’s.  We can check where you’ve ordered from recently on Seamlessweb.  I mean actually buying some groceries yourself and cooking a meal.
6. Be more sexually aggressive.  Your man wants to feel like you’re attracted to him.  I don’t mean asking him to give you a back rub.  Asking us to do chores is not the same as initiating sex.  A blowjob is initiating sex.  And, don’t ever say you’re too tired for sex.  We’re never too tired if the girl is attractive enough, so when you say “I’m tired,” we hear “You’re fat and ugly.” We’d prefer a women who actually appreciates us, and if we don’t think you do, we’ll go find one who does.
7. Get a calendar.  Keep it in a conspicuous place.  Write down things you want him to remember on it.  The trick here though is to do this without being passive aggressive about it.  Do it as a genuine favor and to avoid fights in the future, not as a way of saying “Is this what you need, you big stupid oaf?”
8. Lose the misandry.  Don’t insult behavior you consider boyish.  Even if you think your man is mature, and you’re talking about behavior in other guys, you don’t know if your man used to be that way, or secretly envies the guys with a more carefree lifestyle.  When you start trying to tell him what it means to be a man, he’ll start telling you where you can hail a cab.
9. Don’t ask us to hang out with your girlfriends if you know we don’t like them.  We don’t want to be stuck out for drinks listening to three of your girlfriends complain about how all the guys in the city are immature assholes.  And don’t ask us to set our friends up with your fat friend.  And, if you do, don’t ask us why we don’t have any friends for her.  It’s because she’s fat.  If we don’t introduce your friends to our friends, it’s because your friends are fat.  Do you really want to make us say it?  You know it, we know it, and your fat friend better figure it out.
10. Let him win some arguments.  A lot of women complain that their man never opens up to them emotionally.  The reason is we know it’s going to turn into you complaining about us.  We’ve read the Art of War, we know not to get into battles we’re not going to win, and so we avoid conversations likely to turn into fights.  And when I say let him win, this means actually letting him win.  It does not mean guilting him over the victory so he does something nice for you in return.

Wilbur is a slacker everyday.

I doubt anyone who goes by he handle wilbur gets hot babes. Not in this century, not in the 20th, and probably not in the 19th.
Well, maybe Wilbur Wright got hot babes. That airplane thing was impressive.

Wilbur Wright got some top crotch.