Bitter Lawyer’s Epic New Comment Policy

While comments are not necessarily important to us, we welcome them if they meet the requirements of the following Bitter Lawyer Comment Policy.

A. Definitions

  1. “You” and “Your” refer to you.
  2. “Us” refers to us and includes, without limitation, the masculine and feminine gender, as well as the neutered and transgendered (as appropriate) and vice versa. Ditto for “We.” It also includes anyone named Brad, where allowed by law.
  3. “And/Or” means and refers to both “and” and/or “or,” and/or vice versa, as applicable.
  4. “Effective Date” means yesterday.
  5. “Delete” means getting rid of something. It could, but may not necessarily, involve flammable materials.
  6. “Approve” is a word that is not used in this document. Neither is “Indefeasibility.”
  7. “Comment” or “comments” shall be given the plain language English meaning contained in the United States Administrative Procedure Act, 5 USC § 553, as amended, and shall include, without limitation, written data, views, or arguments, with or without opportunity for oral presentation.
  8. This definition is intentionally left blank.

B. How We Handle Comments

Comments are reviewed by free software. This review is sometimes referred to in this document and elsewhere, as appropriate, as “The Initial Review” or “the Electronic Review” or “Our Software Quality Assurance Review Process” or “etc.”.

As a result of, but not necessarily on account of, The Initial Review and/or etc., Comments are generally, but not necessarily, categorized into “this pile” and/or “that pile.” We review whatever pile we feel like reviewing on any given day, at our sole and exclusive discretion, and ignore the other pile, sometimes alternating days, weeks, hours and/or months, including, without limitation, any extra days during leap year, as the case may be. “Review” is not defined by Our lawyers and they say it is best left to Our creative judgment, which shall not be abridged or limited by You or by anyone else.

Upon Our review of any or all piles of Comments, as applicable, We will Delete comments that:

  1. We don’t like; or
  2. We cannot read legibly, whether written in English, Chinese, Esperanto, Euskara, or in any machine-readable language, including without limitation, XML, JSON, or RDF; or
  3. We feel like deleting.

We will also Delete Comments if they are authored, directly or indirectly, by anyone named or related to Guano Dubango, if they use the word “tit” — whether referring to human anatomy or to accepted ornithological classifications; if they are “anonymous”; if they use the term “banging” without immediately referencing a door or cupboard; and/or if they fail to fit well within Our ambiguous notion of decency, respect, and the Estonian way.

C. What We Do With Spam

Each month, or thereabouts, we ship the entirety of our spam Comments to an appropriate Eastern European and/or near East country, where they are disposed of consistent with the laws of the host nation. We are not responsible for spam comments that shift or settle during transport. Spam Comments are not shipped through the states of Ohio, Nebraska, and/or South Carolina, as applicable and subject to local laws and customs.

D. Assholes

If You are an Asshole, we will Delete your Comments. See “How We Handle Comments,” infra, especially the enumerated items therein. Asshole is specifically not defined by Our policy. We know Assholes when we see them, or when we read their Comments, as applicable.

E. Dispute Resolution

All disputes between You and Us concerning or arising out of etc., shall be subject to a dispute resolution format involving either 1) arm-wrestling; or 2) rock paper scissors; or 3) karaoke; or 4) chessboxing. We choose.

F. Singular vs. Plural

The singular shall be the plural and the wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

G. Stipulations

This document is subject to all of the typical stipulations, excluding those in Workers Compensation matters.

H. Choice of Law/Jurisdiction

This document shall be interpreted under the laws of the Nation of Estonia. Any litigation under this agreement shall be resolved in the Riigikohus, Tartu, Estonia. If there is a conflict between the laws of Estonia and the laws of the United States, then We will use the laws of Guinea-Bissau instead.

I. Force Majeure

“Force Majeure” shall mean fires, earthquakes, floods, acts of an appropriate God, strikes, work stoppages, or other labor disturbances, riots or civil commotions, a robot or zombie apocalypse or both, singularity, litigation, war or other act of any foreign nation, or any other cause like or unlike any cause above mentioned which is beyond Our control. During a Force Majeure, Comments must be submitted in French, but are otherwise subject to our guidelines, infra.

J. Entire Agreement

This document constitutes the entire Bitter Lawyer Comment Policy and there are no oral or other representations regarding the subject of this policy. Nothwithstanding the foregoing, any words, phrases, or any other terms contained in Comments below shall be incorporated and made part of this policy through this reference.

Gregory Luce is the editor of Bitter Lawyer. He creates stuff and writes various columns, including Legal Crap My Kids Ask Me, Ask a Futurist, and Postcards from Lawyers.

2 Comments

  1. Sam Glover

    November 7, 2013 at 11:51 am

    By reading this comment, you agree to assign to me all right, title, and interest you have in any Double Stuf Oreo cookies that come into your possession, from now until your death.

  2. VJK

    November 15, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Who is Guano Dubango? Sounds like something you find on the bottom of your shoe when crossing through a cow patch.

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