Bitter Lawyer Medal Count


We are off and running like the fat kid in the Nike commercial. China is leading the medal count but that includes fake sports like badminton and trampoline. If a majority of your medals come from sports mainly played at family reunions, they don’t count.

Real question: Do the horses for an equestrian event have to be from the same country they are representing? Do they get medals? And has anyone, ever, won the Visa “go the Olympics for life” competition? I feel like that scam has been going on forever. Still I’m thinking about getting the Olympic rings tattooed on me somewhere and say I competed. I’m not sure for what event yet. Probably Race Walking. Seemed to work for this guy.

Let’s check the medal podium:

Bronze

Defense counsel pay attention — the latest excuse to hit the courtroom for public intoxication: Medicinal Beer. John Sawyer was charged with drinking alcohol in public and the only reason why he drinks is because of his back and leg pain. According to Sawyer, the hospital won’t give him any pain medication so he drinks for his pain. While it might have been a good defense, the judge still accepted his guilty plea.

Medicinal alcohol is the wave of the future. All those old people with glaucoma are allowed to smoke weed like they are Snoop Dog . . . err . . . Lion, but what are creaky old homeless people with arthritis suppose to do? When does someone champion the alcoholic movement? Think about that next time you act like you are on your cell phone when you pass a homeless person. Okay really this excuse sucks but John Sawyer is the exact same color as the Bronze Medal so it works.

John Sawyer claimed he drank beer as a remedy for his sore back and legs

Silver

Julian Call, 22, and Tina Gianakon, 35, have been charged with lewd and lascivious behavior and theft after they stole K-Y Jelly from Walmart and started to engage in sexual activity . . . while still in the store.

This is a crime? I’m pretty sure this is what Walmart calls Tuesday. Walmart is basically the island from Lord of the Flies without that chubby bitch Piggy; a true study in the Social Contract if I have ever seen one. The crazy part is that Walmart doesn’t even care. In fact, they embrace it. How else can you explain the fact that their greeters look like the McPoyle family? That is suppose to be the first face you see when walking in the door. Those are Walmart’s money beets.

It is all part of a business plan that is preparing you for the carnage that you are about to witness. Between obese rednecks acting like Dale Jr. on their Rascal scooters and homeless people cooking meth in the electronics boutique seeing some lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous activity is par for the course at Wally World. If you don’t want to see Julian and Tina getting freaky in aisle 9 then go to that fancy bourgeois Tar-je.

Gold

Are you tired of friends/family posting about politics on Facebook. So is Lowell Turpin. Except Turpin might not be a political insider. Lowell suspected his live-in girlfriend was planning an affair, which was nearly confirmed when he saw a picture of a man he didn’t recognize on her Facebook page. Turpin demanded to know who the man was as he slammed her laptop onto the ground and hit her in the face. Unfortunately for Lowell, his girlfriend is (apparently) having an affair with Mitt Romney.

Lowell TurpinThat’s rough. No I’m not talking about getting punching in the face. That sucks. I’m talking about your (probably) ex-girlfriend hooking up with Mitt. Dude is the ideal rebound guy. Crazy rich, pretty powerful and he has that ‘nice guy’ dickishness to him. Just no way Lowell Turpin can compete with that. You want to win the break-up. You want your ex to fall for some ugly, poor fat guy who may or may not live at home with his parents. Unfortunately by the cut of Lowell’s jib that might be difficult. Seriously, what is going on with his jib? It’s like his neck has an inner tube in it. Is he storing food for winter? Maybe if he spent a little more time watching the news and a little less time playing Chubby Bunny he wouldn’t be facing domestic assault charges.

Photos are from the news stories. Links:

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/broward/oakland-park/fl-medicinal-beer-arrest-20120801,0,5252045.story

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2012/jul/30/report-romney-photo-sets-off-man-who-assaults/

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

2 Comments

  1. Frank

    August 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    Romney is piping this dude’s beeotch? He needs new specs or this dude has a garden hose!

  2. Claudia

    August 8, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    I think that is among the so much important info for me. And i’m glad studying your article. However want to observation on some general things, The web site style is great, the articles is truly great : D. Excellent process, cheers

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