Bitter Lawyer’s Oscars

So the Oscars were weird last night. Was that just me or did it seem like something was off the whole night? Maybe it would have helped if I had seen half of the movies. I still have a ton of questions from throughout the night. Why Peter Griffin was singing the entire night? Did Adele try to unwrap her Oscar to find chocolate? Didn’t Afflack get banned from the Oscars after Gigli? Did we ever get an explanation as to why Chicago was talked about 11 years after it came out?

Nonetheless, with little love in the legal cinema world this year, Bitter Lawyer has decided to host their own Oscars. Thus we present the 2013 Blawscars, and don’t worry we don’t give out awards for Costume Design or Cinematography (I’m pretty sure that is the doc review of the legal field).

Best Witness—Colonel Nathan R. Jessep, A Few Good Men

No brainer in my book. He provided the most electric testimony ever. Granted everyone probably would have been held in contempt and most of the testimony stricken from the record but who cares. It’s the truth and if you don’t believe it: “You can’t handle the truth!”

(Writer’s Note: Yes Samuel L. Jackson’s portrayal of Carl Lee Hailey is a close second in this category. Yes he deserved to win and I hope he won the Golden Globe.)

The Attorney Every Other Attorney Wishes He Was—Jerome Facher, A Civil Action

Robert Duvall is pretty boss in his defense of Beatrice Foods against the slightly sleazy ambulance chaser Jan Schlichtmann. There is a certain level of not caring while simultaneously being really good at your job that we all wish we had. Unfortunately most of us just have the first part of that sentence.

Best Client—Andrew Becket, Philadelphia

A great movie with a great cast and Tom Hanks actually won an Oscar for his roll as Andrew Becket. Obviously he is the client that every plaintiff’s attorney wants: smart, cooperative, and (most importantly) in the right. Plus getting a payout of over $5 million doesn’t hurt the cause. I’ll take my 1/3 now, please and thank you.

Best Actor Every Defense Lawyer Wishes Was Part Of His Jury—Juror # 8, 12 Angry Men

First of all, 12 Angry Men was in the running for Best Picture. A true classic. However it is undeniable that every criminal defense attorney prays to the god of crime (is that still OJ?) that they get Juror #8 through voir dire. Someone who actually understands reasonable doubt and won’t vote guilty simply because they are tired of eating bad deli sandwiches and hanging out with 11 other people who are also hating life at that moment. Innocent until proven guilty… just like Oscar Pistorius.

The Attorney That We Daydream— Michael Clayton, Michael Clayton

Other than almost getting blown up (Spoiler), Clayton is a degenerate gambler, always having to fix his clients mistakes, unsupported by his firm, and finally gets to completely screw over the obnoxious asshat of the client U-North. Plus its freaking George Clooney. So hot right now.

Movie That Most Inspired Us To Be Lawyers— To Kill A Mockingbird

Class, class, class. A real classic. TKAM is a staple of 8th Grade and a staple on any Legal Movie list. There are a lot of things that could be said about this movie but I think we have all seen this and respect that this is in everyone’s top 3 legal movies of all time. Not to mention its Superman’s favorite movie. Seriously.

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

3 Comments

  1. CSM

    March 1, 2013 at 8:42 am

    I think Tom Hanks actually won an Oscar for is role in Philadelphia. Laps.

  2. southern bitter

    March 4, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    it blows my mind that Legally Blonde is nowhere on this list.

    Lawyer I would most like to sleep with: Harvey Spektor from Suits.

  3. Daphne Macklin

    August 22, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    The film that inspired me to become a lawyer was “I Want To Live” with Susan Hayward. I don’t do criminal law, but the level of injustice reflected in that film still gets me going.

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