Bitter News, 10-29-09

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that are more productive than swastidoodling

• Can no one get away with a little cheap thrill anymore?  “Government lawyer fired after caught with stripper in graveyard during lunch break.” South Carolina Assistant State Attorney General Rowland Corning and an 18-year-old woman were pulled over on a one-lane dirt drive behind a cemetery.  Yeah, she was an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman’s Club.  Yeah, there were sex toys and Viagra in the car.  Yeah, he no longer works for the government.  Full report here[Telegraph]

News continued below video:

• San Francisco City Attorney Dennis Herrera wants the CEO of Kellogg’s to justify claims printed on Cocoa Krispies boxes that the sugary, delicious cereal “now helps support your child’s immunity.” Perhaps it means immunity to health.  [San Francisco Chronicle]

• Judges behaving badly…and paying for it:

—Circuit Court Judge Robert C. Nalley pleaded guilty to letting the air out of a custodial crew woman’s tire when she parked in a restricted zone at the courthouse.  Nothing that a court-mandated “heartfelt” letter of apology can’t fix. [Washington Post]

—“A Will County judge says he’s eating his words after accepting a tray of jerk chicken as a substitute for a man’s sentence of 100 community service hours.” Which of course means an investigation into judicial misconduct.  Even though the didn’t even bring fixin’s!  “[I]t makes a mockery of what judges are supposed to do,” said DePaul law professor Jeffrey Shaman.  Yeah, but it’s Jamaican me hungry.  [Chicago Tribune]

• Reed Smith: Lockstep OUT, three tiers IN.  They’re actually going to train their damn associates.  Brilliant!  [The Recorder]

• A carry-over from yesterday’s news theme of high-ranking women… “The new top federal prosecutor in Seattle knows the significance her role carries for many people: She’s apparently the nation’s first openly gay U.S. attorney.” Apparently.  Because it’s hard to confirm gay.  [Associated Press]

• Did our parents and elders lie to us when they said to go pursue an education and it will open up a world of opportunities?  With droves of new law school graduates pounding the pavement to find jobs—what happens now to this generation?  The law schools took all their money and then some, no problem.  But now who’s going to let them earn it back?  Eff you for pushing me to go to law school, MOM.  “It’s as if some unspoken intergenerational contract has been broken.” [STLtoday.com]

• Come on down, Bob Barker, and take a bow.  The former The Price is Right host added to his collection of eight law schools, including Harvard, where he has endowments funds set up for animal rights law by donating $1 million to his Missouri alma mater in hopes of creating a full undergraduate animal rights program.  Which is great.  You know what I’m spaying?  [ABC News]

• Edward Ates (a poetic last name) is on trial for allegedly killing his former son-in-law.  But his defense is that he’s too fat to be able to kill.  At 285 pounds, there’s no way Ates could have been the murdering ninja the defense describes as the murderer.  Ates should go hang out with Albert Freed (another poetic last name), who is suing because he was too fat to see that his penis was coming out the fly hole of his “defective” Hanes briefs and being rubbed raw.  It’s hilarious because it’s true, people.  [New York Daily News]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that are more productive than swastidoodling

• Can no one get away with a little cheap thrill anymore?  “Government lawyer fired after caught with stripper in graveyard during lunch break.” South Carolina Assistant State Attorney General Rowland Corning and an 18-year-old woman were pulled over on a one-lane dirt drive behind a cemetery.  Yeah, she was an employee of the Platinum Plus Gentleman’s Club.  Yeah, there were sex toys and Viagra in the car.  Yeah, he no longer works for the government.  Full report here[Telegraph]

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