Bitter News, 11-10-09

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that will not have sex with you because your penis is too big:

• Those screwed by the Madoff Ponzi scheme can bid on Ruth’s crusty handbags to try and get something back.  But everyone else who touched Madoff turned to gold.  For those from the SEC who investigated Madoff, the tokens they take away from their experience are phat jobs.  While the investigations have failed, for the former SEC execs who flubbed them, they have failed upwards with current positions as GC for Deutsche Bank, Senior Counsel for MetLife and Bats, and even Partners at Gibson Dunn and David Polk.  (See video below.) And as for Lev L. Dassin, the federal prosecutor who won Madoff’s 150-year sentence?  Welcome to the partnership of Cleary Gottlieb.  [Dealbook @ NYT]

News continued below video.

• We now even need the courts to decide who’s a Jew?  [The New York Times]

• Working at Reed Smith will soon practically be a part-time job.  The firm “announced it was slashing associate salaries and billing rates and dropping its associate hour requirements from 1900 to 1700 hours.” Call me crazy, but earning “$130,000 in major markets such as New York City, Chicago, California, and Washington, D.C.” while only billing 1700 hours sounds like a work-life balance that’s pretty livable.  [WSJ Law Blog]

• Their former execs may not be lucky in poker, but the two Bear Stearns hedge fund managers on trial for allegedly lying to investors were found not guilty—which will lower other worried managers’ “Defcon 2” status[CNN Money]

• Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, meet your legal team.  You’re going to need them.  [KDHN.com]

• People were happy to bust Rush Limbaugh’s hump, taunting him with allegations of racism, when he tried to buy the St. Louis Rams.  But where’s all the coverage on Los Angeles Clipper’s owner Donald Sterling’s second lawsuit settlement (this one for $2.725 million) for allegedly trying to keep African Americans and Hispanics out of his apartment buildings—the “largest ever obtained by the Justice Department in a housing discrimination case involving apartment rentals”?  [Newsbusters.org]

• Speaking of pro sports, here are two friends, both lawyers, who made a bet that ended in one swallowing a bitter pill.  How to lose a World Series bet and be forced to positively write about your rival team in employment-law terms.  [Ohio Employers Law Blog | Connecticut Employment Law Blog]

• Above the Law tickled your jealousy bone yesterday when they explained how Goldman Sachs General Counsel Greg Palm made $60 million from 2003 and 2009.  It dials up even further the tender argument that law firm attorneys (even at the biggest white-shoe firms) don’t earn enough compared to their i-banker and private equity brethren—especially now given that even GC’s can trump their asses.  “Sullivan & Cromwell partners, eat your hearts out. Not only does Goldman GC Gregory Palm get to boss you around, he also makes more money than you do.” Why make $3 million when you can make $8?  Why take it when you can give it?  Why not be thankful you at least have humble pie to eat while gobs of lawyers are chowing in soup kitchens[The Business Insider]

• All of those depressing, shitty stats being thrown around about the massive loss of 5,259 lawyer jobs at the top 250 law firms puts a spotlight on the mysterious, taboo topic of stealth layoffs.  It’s what makes basic math so neat.  [Law Shucks]

• “[S]pecial agent Michael Weston, a 37-year-old Harvard Law School graduate who’d already been deployed to Iraq as a Marine three times” was killed along with nine others in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan while trying to escape gunfire.  To make it even more gut-wrenching, this is the second husband Harvard Law alum Cynthia Tidler has lost in Afghani conflict.  Her first spouse, Helge Boes, who was Weston’s best friend in law school, was killed in 2003.  Their deaths go far beyond the dbag, egotist stereotypes of top-tier graduates.  “He was selfless in a way that few who pass through Harvard Law School have the strength and the courage to be.” And we honor them.  [Law.com]

• “A can of deodorant helped a 21-year-old law student escape from the clutches of a driver who ‘abducted’, assaulted and robbed her” in Calcutta, India on Monday.  Now that she’s safe, Indian 3L Chandrima Gupta can get back to preparing to take your job.  [Telegraph India]

• Celeb legal news:

—Jenny from the sex tape.  J. Lopez is suing for $10 mill to suppress her sex tape.  [CNN]

—James Woods’ fights as hard as oak in court over his bro’s death.  [AP]

—Bon Jovi is not having a nice day with a man’s $400-billion lawsuit appeal.  [THR, Esq.]

—In the name of showbiz, Letterman was apparently only being sold some lit by Halderman.  [AP]

Girls Gone Wild’s Joe Francis can “exxxhale.” He was sentenced to time served.  [NY Daily News]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that will not have sex with you because your penis is too big:

• Those screwed by the Madoff Ponzi scheme can bid on Ruth’s crusty handbags to try and get something back.  But everyone else who touched Madoff turned to gold.  For those from the SEC who investigated Madoff, the tokens they take away from their experience are phat jobs.  While the investigations have failed, for the former SEC execs who flubbed them, they have failed upwards with current positions as GC for Deutsche Bank, Senior Counsel for MetLife and Bats, and even Partners at Gibson Dunn and David Polk.  And as for Lev L. Dassin, the federal prosecutor who won Madoff’s 150-year sentence?  Welcome to the partnership of Cleary Gottlieb.  [Dealbook @ NYT]

• We now even need the courts to decide who’s a Jew?  [The New York Times]

• Working at Reed Smith will soon practically be a part-time job.  The firm “announced it was slashing associate salaries and billing rates and dropping its associate hour requirements from 1900 to 1700 hours.” Call me crazy, but earning “$130,000 in major markets such as New York City, Chicago, California, and Washington, D.C.” while only billing 1700 hours sounds like a work-life balance that’s pretty livable.  [WSJ Law Blog]

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