Bitter News, 11-13-09

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as “What the hell now?” as a water-yielding moon bomb:

• So you avoided our indirect advice not to go to law school, read both this prophecy statement and this New York Times declaration that it’s a bad investment and still said “eff it.” But now you need to ace that final paper so you can have it in your back pocket while you serve Pike’s Roast at Starbucks next year.  Here’s how.  Next stop: National bar exam.  [Lawyerist]

• Wanna remain a non-equity partner at Reed Smith?  It’s gonna cost you.  Like 15% of your salary.  It’s sort of a unity thing.  Go Team!  [The Am Law Daily]

Greg Craig out.  (His name was stupid anyway.) Robert Bauer is in as new chief counsel for the Obaminator and the 19 White House lawyers.  Edgy.  [Washington Post]

• Twice Bitter Lawyer interviewee Gerald Posner explains why Attorney General Eric Holder is sending the five leading Guantánamo Bay detainees behind 9/11 on an all-expense-paid trip to New York for some fun, holiday shopping, trials and death[The Daily Beast]

• You know how when people are so obese that their bodies turn on them?  That’s sort of what happening to Burger King.  They’re being sued by franchisees because the fast food company’s $1 double cheeseburger promotion is forcing them to lose money.  [AP via Yahoo!]

Mad Men is for rich people.  Which means all you lawyers are really going to pick up what Larry Ribstein is throwing down here.  [The Business Insider]

• You’re a Kool-Aid-drinking company man.  Got the law firm ankle tat to prove it.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Right?  Wrong.  Law firms fail.  And it’s every man for himself.  To the lifeboats.  [The Legal Intelligencer]

• Nothing gets you into the Thanksgiving spirit quite like a judge ordering you to stop feeding the homeless near people who actually have houses.  Because they just shit on their yards.  [Change.org]

News continued below video.

• Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley is getting gang banged.  It’s not what you think.  Or is it?… [Boston Herald]

• Did that politically crazy Carol Channing birther lawyer Orly Taitz try to convince witnesses to lie?  “Quick, tell everyone you have Obama’s 1964 Kenyan birth certificate.” “Well, Hello, Dolly!, but no, I won’t.” “Fine, then I shall go bang a three-state-disbarred member of my legal team.” Yeah, you read that right.  [The Orange County Register via Huffington Post]

• Once high-profile Newark defense lawyer Paul W. Bergrin who had been in a windowless prison cell for 23 hours a day was released from solitary confinement.  His lawyer said it was eroding his client’s mental state.  Bergin almost forgot how ugly Newark really is.  [NJ.com]

• Stop acting like an eight grader, or I’m going to arrest you.  Oh, wait, these are eighth graders.  Who got arrested.  At school.  For having a food fight.  The new “zero tolerance” poster children.  Because tossing Jell-O is a gateway crime to murder.  [ABC News]

• It’s slightly painful to watch, but I’ll give them a break since they’re (I assume) law students, not comedians.  In this SNL spoof (satire does satire!), two prospective Barbri clients “REALLY!?!” make the point that they’re outraged by the bar prep provider’s price gouging that requires “a six-day course in pricing just to understand.” This is what happens when the funniest guy in law school gets convinced by his buddies to do a video, and he uses a laugh track and the “cool chick” as his female foil to look even funnier.  And it helps.  Just push Play. Cheers, and happy weekend.  [YouTube]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as “What the hell now?” as a water-yielding moon bomb:

• So you avoided our indirect advice not to go to law school, read both this prophecy statement and this New York Times declaration that it’s a bad investment and still said “eff it.” But now you need to ace that final paper so you can have it in your back pocket while you serve Pike’s Roast at Starbucks next year.  Here’s how.  Next stop: National bar exam.  [Lawyerist]

• Wanna remain a non-equity partner at Reed Smith?  It’s gonna cost you.  Like 15% of your salary.  It’s sort of a unity thing.  Go Team!  [The Am Law Daily]

Greg Craig out.  (His name was stupid anyway.) Robert Bauer is in as new chief counsel for the Obaminator and the 19 White House lawyers.  Edgy.  [Washington Post]

Read more from the Bitter Newsroom.

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