Bitter News, 12-11-09

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that legally rebuff Owen Wilson’s sexual advances:

• Industry-leading pornographer Larry Flynt (who rides in style these days in a golden wheelchair) sued his own nephews for starting a porn business that used the Flynt name in a way Larry thought was too lowbrow and diminished his own brands—because “his videos of people having sex are a cut above other smut on the rack.” So he’s been in a U.S. District Court all week slugging it out in front of a jury that’s been so professional and composed they give Judge Richard Smoak a run for his money.  “The four women and four men of the mostly middle-aged jury stoically viewed photos of some of the nephews’ DVD boxes. Images of naked, well-endowed women on the front and people in all sorts of contortions on the back, were flashed on a giant-screen TV right next to them.  A few jurors scribbled notes. Some studied the images carefully. But there was nary a snicker, a blush nor a smile.” [AP via Philly.com]

• When he’s done with his pesky nephews, Flynt can take on this: Texas has a stripper-poll tax.  Seriously.  The state “enacted a law last year requiring every patron who enters a ‘sexually oriented business’ (defined as a business that combines nude dancing and alcohol service) to pay a $5 tax.” Now K&L Gates is fighting to defend the tax against members of the adult industry who claim it violates the First Amendment.  [The Am Law Daily]

• In celebration of a year of Bernie Madoff headlines, a black Bob Ross does a charcoal sketch of the Ponzi master.  [WSJ Law Blog]

• You suck.  We hate you.  Seriously.  Unless you vote for Bitter Lawyer.  [ABA Journal]

News continued below.

ABC announced that its new drama series, The Deep End, will premiere on January 21.  The show focuses on five “eager and attractive” young associates at a prestigious Los Angeles law firm “who come to learn that their new job is even more cutthroat than they initially imagined.” (Preview below.) Could be good, right?  Well, so far it’s not being well received by our peers in the legal community.  ATL’s Elie Mystal dices it up in a way that’s probably more entertaining than the show itself.  He opines that the cast is too hot (“The guy should be slightly overweight, as pale as Vermont snow, and have some kind of subtle facial disorder. You know, something between a noticeable overbite and Bell’s Palsy”), the inclusion of sex is totally unrealistic, and any firm led by a partner played by Billy Zane is as big of a joke as, well…Billy Zane.  [Above the Law]

News continued below video.

• A bunch of 3Ls and 2Ls gush and pat themselves on the back for how well they crushed their first-year finals.  But for you 1Ls, we’re going to package it up and call it “advice.” [WSJ Law Blog]

• What do Brooklyn DA Charles Hynes and PepsiCo legal secretary Kathy Henry have in common?  They both sat on a lawsuit a little to long.  Hynes lost a “child-endangerment case against an allegedly sadistic bus matron” because he missed the 90-day period…by more than 1,200 days.  [New York Post]

• What do Meg Ryan and former law student Kumari Fulbright have in common?  They both have kidnapped, tied up with duct tape, tortured and threatened their boyfriend/husband.  Only Meg does it in an acting role, playing a high-powered lawyer who learns that her faithless husband, Ian (Tim Hutton), is about to leave for Paris with his mistress (Kristen Bell) in the new movie Serious Moonlight[Philly.com]

• Tiger Woods won a court ban that forbids any media entity from publishing photos or video of him nude or having sex.  Not that any thing like that exists, of course.  It’s a just-in-case measure.  Because he’s too insecure about the world seeing any more of his tiny, small, neither-a-shower-or-a-grower…calves.  [Washington Post]

• A 3L at Hamline School of Law (you hear of a new T4 law school every day) “is leading an effort to get lawmakers to go back to the drawing board on expungement procedures.” An effort that could benefit more than your garden-variety juvenile offender.  So put the roach down and listen up.  [Minnesota Lawyer]

• “An Illinois insurance executive agreed to plead guilty to interstate stalking after secretly making nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews” and could be sentenced to five years in prison.  But he should get another five years for giving some of us a nasty virus[AP via Chicago Tribune]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that legally rebuff Owen Wilson’s sexual advances:

• Industry-leading pornographer Larry Flynt (who rides in style these days in a golden wheelchair) sued his own nephews for starting a porn business that used the Flynt name in a way Larry thought was too lowbrow and diminished his own brands—because “his videos of people having sex are a cut above other smut on the rack.” So he’s been in a U.S. District Court all week slugging it out in front of a jury that’s been so professional and composed they give Judge Richard Smoak a run for his money.  “The four women and four men of the mostly middle-aged jury stoically viewed photos of some of the nephews’ DVD boxes. Images of naked, well-endowed women on the front and people in all sorts of contortions on the back, were flashed on a giant-screen TV right next to them.  A few jurors scribbled notes. Some studied the images carefully. But there was nary a snicker, a blush nor a smile.” [AP via Philly.com]

• When he’s done with his pesky nephews, Flynt can take on this: Texas has a stripper-poll tax.  Seriously.  The state “enacted a law last year requiring every patron who enters a ‘sexually oriented business’ (defined as a business that combines nude dancing and alcohol service) to pay a $5 tax.” Now K&L Gates is fighting to defend the tax against members of the adult industry who claim it violates the First Amendment.  [The Am Law Daily]

Read more from the Bitter Newsroom.

1 Comment

  1. Brett

    December 13, 2009 at 11:05 am

    We’ve actually heard of Hamline Law School before…that’s the school with the professor that recently got popped for tax evasion (and my alma mater…so glad to see that we dropped back down to T4 *sarcasm*)

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