Bitter News, 3-11-10

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as tasty as whale sashimi—very illegal whale sashimi:

• This whole Justice Department lawyers / al Qaeda Seven thing has been going crazy on the left, right and center.  Now #3 hottest TV legal analyst Ann Coulter is piping up—and she’s got BigLaw in her long, stringy crosshairs.  She says that Big Firm associates try to represent terrorists to just make themselves feel alive.  Apparently trying to cut your own thigh with a merger doc isn’t enough.  “Every white shoe law firm in the country has been clamoring to take the cases of Guantanamo detainees, while young associates line up to be put on the case. This is even more fun than defending Ted Bundy!” She says legal drones in their first years are just dying to be noticed and are nothing more than high-maintenance egotists.  “Like Hollywood actresses, lawyers need to believe they’re noble and courageous to help them forget that they are corporate drones doing soul-destroying work, which mostly consists of making photocopies. Defending terrorists gives status-conscious attorneys a chance to get standing ovations at the annual ABA convention.” [Human Events]

• There’s a new “World’s Richest Man.” Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim Helu is worth an estimated $53.5 billion.  And while he’s not a lawyer, I bet he works very closely with one.  [Forbes.com]

• “Profits per equity partner dropped an average of only .8 percent at the top law firms” last year.  Which means Kathleen Sullivan has a lot to celebrate.  Mainly, she just trailblazed legal history by becoming the first named female partner in the Am Law 100.  It’s now Quinn Emanuel Urquhart & Sullivan, LLP.  And don’t you forget it, bitches.  [Above the Law]

• You can debate the whole “thank you note for an interviewer” issue til your blue in the face, but it doesn’t matter if you never even get an interview.  Great cover letters are now all the rage.  People who hire—like General Counsels—told the Wall Street Journal that they LOVE them.  Putting effort into a cover letter goes a long way.  Spritz it with some perfume or cologne for that extra-personal touch. 

[ABA Journal]

• Conan O’Brien is “Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television,” so that’s exactly what he’s calling the new two-month comedy-music tour he’s headlining.  [ABC News]

• “This Isn’t the End of Big-Law-Firm Associates.” A promise or a threat?  [Am Law Daily]

• Another law school beauty queen takes a crown.  Last month, we met Miss Arkansas, JD-2-Be.  Then last year’s Miss World Malaysia.  Then Miss World 2005.  And now Miss Pierce County 2010 is Seattle University 3L Kristen Tateishi.  World peace is within our reach.  [Tacoma Weekly]

• Former Texas Tech head football coach Mike Leach’s legal team is really pissing off his old employer in his fight over being fired.  His lawyers are being accused of trying to “invade the privacy of [new] Coach Tuberville” by subpoenaing school district documents for evidence that the Tuberville family was looking at schools or house hunting in the Lubbock area before Leach was terminated.  [Dallas Morning News]

• Also in football: When an NFL star gets whopped with a sexual assault accusation for his 28th birthday, it’s all about the downplay.  His accompanying off-duty cops saw nada.  And Ben Roethlisberger’s lawyer does a good job of blowing off the accusations against his client: Act totally annoyed and exasperated even though we all know you’re billing boatloads. [AJC.com]

News continued below video.

• For as mind-numbingly boring as most lawyers’ work is, it’s amazing how much money is made on tales of what some do.  Two tell-all books by lawyer about lawyers are duking it on the best-seller charts. 

[Law And More]

Journal of the Plague Year: An Insider’s Chronicle of Eliot Spitzer’s Short and Tragic Reign by Lloyd Constantine, former senior advisor to the governor;

The Politician: An Insider’s Account of John Edwards’s Pursuit of the Presidency and the Scandal That Brought Him Down by former Edwards aide and sex tape master Andrew Young.

• Bank of America has foreclosed on the wrong houses and seized a beloved 11-year-old blue macaw.  Now Polly wants a lawsuit.  [Consumer Affairs]

• Former in-house defense attorney Dimitrios Biller is busting the hoods of Toyota’s “Books of Knowledge.” Leaving with a $4 million severance package and a nervous breakdown couldn’t keep him quiet.  He says the automaker has a lot of skeletons—and he knows where they are.  You can run, but you can’t hide…Corolla.  [CNN]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as tasty as whale sashimi—very illegal whale sashimi:

• This whole Justice Department lawyers / al Qaeda Seven thing has been going crazy on the left, right and center.  Now #3 hottest TV legal analyst Ann Coulter is piping up—and she’s got BigLaw in her long, stringy crosshairs.  She says that Big Firm associates try to represent terrorists to just make themselves feel alive.  Apparently trying to cut your own thigh with a merger doc isn’t enough.  “Every white shoe law firm in the country has been clamoring to take the cases of Guantanamo detainees, while young associates line up to be put on the case. This is even more fun than defending Ted Bundy!” She says legal drones in their first years are just dying to be noticed and are nothing more than high-maintenance egotists.  “Like Hollywood actresses, lawyers need to believe they’re noble and courageous to help them forget that they are corporate drones doing soul-destroying work, which mostly consists of making photocopies. Defending terrorists gives status-conscious attorneys a chance to get standing ovations at the annual ABA convention.” [Human Events]

• There’s a new “World’s Richest Man.” Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim Helu is worth an estimated $53.5 billion.  And while he’s not a lawyer, I bet he works very closely with one.  [Forbes.com]

Read more from the Bitter Newsroom.

1 Comment

  1. Friend

    March 11, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Please find Polly!

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