Bitter News, 4-12-10

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that are the new porn men love—like Facebook:

• We mentioned Alex Barnett, former lawyer-turned-comedian, in our “Top Three Stand-Up Comedians Who Were Lawyers” list, but he didn’t make the ranks.  Because no one’s ever heard of him.  And he’s learning the hard way that cracking funnies doesn’t pay the bills like his soul-killing law practice did.  [New York Daily News]

• The whole Elena Kagan discussion is a snoozefest.  It’s like comparing Vampire Weekend to Talking Heads.  Just so obvious.  Right, Elizabeth Wurtzel? We want to know if Hillary Clinton is going to be the next SCOTUS nominee.  Justice Clinton? Now that’s fresh.  [The Stir by CafeMom]

• If you’re not jealous of the associates at Clifford Chance, you may be now.  Not only is the firm unfreezing associate salaries and revealing a “balanced and flexible bonus scheme,” but it also dropped its minimum billable-hours requirement for bonuses.  [ABA Journal]

• Sending out a huge “Get well soon!” to 24-year-old Temple University Law School 3L Tony Foltz.  And a big “Fuck you!” to the hit-and-driver who critically injured him.  [Philly.com]

• On April 2, we asked what First Lady Michelle Obama and Jersey Shore squatty cast member “Snookie” had in common—and we admit it was a bit of stretch.  So let’s do an apples-to-apples comparison.  What similarities exist between First Lady Michelle Obama and Margarita Zavala, Mexico’s “primera dama?” They’re both products of the 1960s, graduates of ultra-prestigious law schools and mothers.  And both of their first names start with M.  [Chicago Tribune]

• In more Jersey Shore news: You know you’re at a swanky firm when it publishes a press release bragging that it now represents MTV sensation Jenni “JWoWW” Farley.  (Guess she couldn’t wait for Vinny to be her “smaht” counsel.) Stay classy, Leeds, Morelli & Brown P.C.  And readers: Don’t play dumb like you don’t know the firm.  They used to rep Anna Nicole Smith, “the voluptuous Playboy centerfold, in her legal matters.” Exactly.  [PR Newswire]

• Back to this new Supreme Court justice issue.  Last week, we mentioned that Justice Stevens is the only Protestant on SCOUTS.  Need they continue to represent?  Who on the short list even could? [AllGov]

• Last SCOTUS headline—I swear!  Justice Samuel Alito loves the Philadelphia Phillies.  Like a fat kid loves cake…or Scalia loves Sarah Jessica Parker.  [Philly.com]

• DING DING!  It’s time for CelebuLaw—today in question form:

—Waiting for Sandra Bullock to drop her ‘bombshell’: Divorce mediation or litigation? [Injury News]

—Did Steelers QB Roethlisberger’s high-profile defense help him avoid assault charges?  [NY Times]

—Jon Gosselin’s error-filled custody request begs a “Who’s dumber: Him or his lawyer?” [PerezHilton]

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Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that are the new porn men love—like Facebook:

• We mentioned Alex Barnett, former lawyer-turned-comedian, in our “Top Three Stand-Up Comedians Who Were Lawyers” list, but he didn’t make the ranks.  Because no one’s ever heard of him.  And he’s learning the hard way that cracking funnies doesn’t pay the bills like his soul-killing law practice did.  [New York Daily News]

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