Bitter News, 6-11-09

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom as chafing as a 22-mile au naturel bike ride—that means naked:

• Could Sotomayor be the hottest thing to hit the SCOTUS since Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.? Sandra had the gams, and Ruth channels a shock jock, but Sonia’s “jet black tendrils” could put the “sizzle” in “Sizzle-upreme Court.” Even a foot cast can’t slow this siren.  Sign it with x’s and o’s to wish her well.  [Guanabee.com]

• What is it with professional baseball teams not being able to treat the lady fans with some appreciation?  Just like A Lawyer’s Walks Into a Bar’s “Men’s Rights” episode about the Anaheim Angels’ 2005 Mothers’ Day tote bag violation of the Gender Tax Repeal Act (sigh), Rick Reilly points out that the year before, the Oakland A’s also had a penis-objectionable Mother’s Day promotion.  Only this one was breast cancer-related, and women attendees received “floppy plaid sun hats from Macy’s.” Un-motherlover Alfred G. Rava sued, and a judge has approved a $510,000 settlement—half going to Rava’s lawyers, of course, and the rest being doled out to “victims” who are man enough to prove they attended the game (and got their tender domes sunburned.) Who is Rava?  A San Diego plaintiff’s attorney.  Who’s “been part of more than 40 male anti-discrimination lawsuits,” including the 2005 Angels’ Mother’s Day lawsuit, which was dismissed.  (It’s so exhausting, it makes you want to pay fair and equal prices to go to Club Med.) An incensed Reilly gave Rava a jingle to hear what takes a SoCal man to an A’s/Twins all-men’s baseball game that’s 483 miles away, and that’s where the fun begins.  [ESPN]

• Jessica Alba is in some hot water.  (No, it’s not hot tub.  Yes, you’re dreaming.) Legal hot water.  Because the scandal is that she’s a vandal.  (There are photos!) I guess she got board in Oklahoma City, and, since the city hasn’t suffered enough destructive behavior, she glued a bunch of great white shark posters onto billboards and bridges.  I supposed to save the species.  And a dusty, Midwest, landlocked state is where you’d go to do that.  Look, she’s not famous for being a brain trust.  And she apologized.  [Fox News]

• Kenneth R. Feinberg is czar among executives.  He’s the “compensation official for companies on federal assistance.” He’s like the guidance counselor for really rich welfare moms.  [The New York Times]

• Child pornographer?  Simply keep your blinds closed. “‘You don’t revoke bond because of creepiness,’ [Judge Martin] Ashman said. ‘You revoke bond because of a danger to the community.’” Like dead-sexy, sadomasochistic Cécile Brossard[Chicago Tribune]

• “Load onto the conference bike, New York City Correction Department officials.  We need to have a talk.” That’s basically what Mayor Bloomberg said as he tries to get to the bottom of why a jailed scam artist was allowed to host his son’s “lavish” bar mitzvah (catered with knives) in prison.  [New York Post]

• There’s a Bitter Lawyer, and then there’s a ‘Bitter’-drunk-who-has-a-great-lawyer.  An Aussie actor’s son drove away from a bar wasted on 20 Victoria Bitter beers but wasn’t convicted because he bolted to avoid a bar fight.  [ABC News]

• I hate when people start sentences with “In my travels…” as if they’re Lewis or Clark and went on some old-world fact-finding mission.  Anyway, third-year law student Justin Williams has already won his first case after suing South Carolina governor Mark Sanford for not accepting a $700 million stimulus package.  [Fox News]

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2 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    June 11, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    seriously?  not hot…..end of story.

  2. Bravo

    June 12, 2009 at 4:54 am

    I like Aussie’s justice.

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