Bitter News, 9-23-09

Roll up your shirtsleeves like Obama and get ready for some headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

• A court turned Steven Tyler into a Rag Doll and has thrown Aerosmith into Hawaii for two mandatory shows—and they better be damn good, despite Tyler’s broken shoulder after a very public stage mishap ala Bret Michaels’ schnozsmack.  The band will perform concerts on October 18 and 20 in Maui after losing a class action lawsuit.  “According to a clause in the settlement agreement, the gigs have to be the same ‘quality, type and duration’ as a regular kick-ass Aerosmith concert.” They’re basically legally obligated to be Livin’ on the Edge. (Okay, that was the last song pun.) From Brandee Faria, the lead council for the suit: “They know they can’t come out and do a 30-minute gig … because I’ll be there watching.” No word on if Brandee will insist on having group sex with Tyler on the tour bus afterward to assure a compete rock star experience, but from the looks of it, she might be cute enough to pull it off.  [TMZ.com]

• Flow from pop rock to hip-hop with me, will you?  Janero Marchand, 22, is apparently uber-connected in the rap/R&B world.  Kanye and he chill.  It just ain’t no big thang.  Marchand, the “Future Thurgood Marshall/Johnny Cochran/Hill Harper,” is now a Georgetown law student, and when not tweeting to one his “myfave140” honeys, he’s slaying rumors that he’s Rihanna’s new flavor.  [LimeLife.com]

LF10 cautionary tale: Lawyer who met soul mate after personally pledging to have 100 coffee dates with 100 men to find a husband gives the same idea to her friend.  Girl runs with idea.  Girl shockingly still single and over-caffeinated.  And Oprah, of course, loves it.  [CNN.com]

• For most lawyers, sex with a client is a severe enough violation to get your disbarred—but usually not criminally convicted.  For an assistant public defender, on the other hand, it led to complete career derailment plus maybe some jail time to think about it. Matthew Swedick was convicted yesterday of a misdemeanor for official misconduct because he told a client he’d work harder for her if she worked on the hard part of him.  [Times Union via ABA Journal]

• According to a federal appeals court, it’s cool for employees to access their company’s computer files and use them to open a competing business.  Just like it’s cool to for a mother to pose as a teenage boy on MySpace and taunt a teenaged girl to death.  Call it what you want, but you can’t call it “hacking.” [Wired]

• “Leaving the Big Firm and Lowering Rates: Is Success Really So Simple?” No.  [The Am Law Daily]

• Who needs lawyers when you can just let ‘Allah’ take the wheel?  [Miami Herald]

• Time to shed a tear for Harvard 3Ls because there are not enough BigLaw jobs or SCOTUS clerkships to go around—WAH!  [Bloomberg]

• Then, as soon as your eyes are dry, you get to wail again thinking about the one-year anniversary of the Heller Ehrman collapse.  Never forget.  Never forget.  [The Recorder]

• It’s just sort of a celeb-law kind of day:

—Usually when the word “shoot” is mentioned in reference to supermodel Gisele Bundchen, it’s usually preceded by the word “photo.” According to a $1 million lawsuit filed on Tuesday against her and husband, Patriots QB and GQ poster child Tom Brady, “shoot” this time refers to guns.  Gun that were allegedly fired by the face-jock couple’s bodyguards and aimed at the paparazzi.  [Associated Press]

—Lawyers for Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberer have asked for sanctions against the attorney for the woman who accused QBRoe of rape because, they say, he knew the story wasn’t true. [Pittsburg Post-Gazette]

—Michael Jackson’s girlfriend—wait, that doesn’t sound right…oh, I forgot a word—Michael Jackson’s doctor’s girlfriend is being called to testify before a grand jury in the investigations of MJ’s sudden death.  [Los Angeles Times]

—More multiple-arraignment counts for those accused of even knowing Anna Nicole. [Radar Online]

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