Bitter News Update: It’s the Best Time of the Year


Fall is in the air. The leaves are starting to change. Football is back. It’s socially acceptable to eat six bratwursts in a day. I just wish my clients would understand that my fantasy team is far more important than their case. I get that you are facing three years in jail but I’m down 12 points and I need A.J. Green to come up big tonight. You have to have your priorities in order and deciding who to play as my flex player is at the top of my list.

At the top of your list on this Monday . . .  catching up on some Bitter Lawyer News.

Oreos came out with a candy corn flavored cookie. What’s next Nabisco? Maybe some cookies that taste like those disgusting circus peanuts? Cherry cough syrup? Perhaps a Chick-o-Stick? Plain and simple: If you like candy corn there is a 1000% chance you are a serial killer. I don’t understand how a company like Nabisco can go against the sanctity of an Oreo. The target customer would have to be 87 years old and that will only last until Chips Ahoy! comes out with a Werther’s Original cookie.

Baskin-Robbins on the other hand just made my day: Introducing ice cream nachos. Boom. They are officially called Waffle Chip Dippers and they solve all my problems. I love eating ice cream in a waffle cone but I end up looking like George Costanza at the US Open. Then it starts melting and dripping down the sides and I look like Romulus sucking on the tit of the Motherwolf. Not to mention eating ice cream out of a bowl is straight un-American. But now I can have “smooth and creamy vanilla Soft Serve drizzled with chocolate syrup, topped with M&Ms and Snickers pieces, all accompanied with six hand-cut, triangle-shaped waffle and brownie chip pieces built for dipping.” God Bless America.

Still unemployed? Now that the divorce is final I would imagine Tom Cruise is starting to interview again for a potential wife. I don’t understand how Nazanin Boniadi wasn’t selected to be his wife. She was awesome on How I Met Your Mother as Barney’s girlfriend. Plus that means she already has experience dating someone who is gay. I would imagine being a beard was big plus on her dating résumé.

James Gagum, 43, shot himself in the head while watching a movie because the movie incorrectly displayed someone shooting themselves in the face. Gagum said, “That’s not how it’s done,” and began pulling the trigger. On the third pull the gun went off. Ugh. I hate the guy who points out every small detail in a movie that is slightly unrealistic. Let me stuff some popcorn in my mouth and drink my $12 soda in peace. I don’t care that you really can’t make dinosaurs from mosquito blood I just want to see a Velociraptor eat that whiny girl. She was the worst.

Speaking of gun to the head, I want to start by saying I am a huge dog lover. However, if you don’t laugh at this picture then you are missing your funny bone.

The photo was sent to Emily Conners during ransom negotiations with an individual who kidnapped her 7-year-old Maltese, Plato. The kidnappers originally wanted Conners to pay $3,000 to get Plato back. Eventually Conners convinced the suspect to accept $1,000 and Plato was returned to Conners however the suspects are still at-large. Seriously, it’s a shame her dog got puppynapped, but look at Plato’s face. Zero fucks given. Who can blame the canine when you look at how the terrorist holds the gun. I hope when this guy gets arrested they turn off the cameras in the interrogation room and let the K-9 unit have some time with the perp. High comedy all around.

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

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