Bitter News, Week of September 12, 2011


Here are your headlines from the Bitter Newsroom, where we LMAO smokers CMAO.

Cheating Isn’t Just for College Sports Teams. In the spirit of NCAA sanctions, the ABA slapped Villanova for padding the LSAT scores and average GPAs of incoming students. In its attempt to game the U.S. News rankings, Villanova avoided the specter of losing its ABA accreditation (the equivalent of the athletic “Death Penalty”), but must wear a badge of public shame: for two years, the school’s website must display a link to its public censure. At least there’s basketball.

The French Shy Not From Cliche.A French court has fined a man for not having enough sex with his wife. In violating the article requiring a “shared communal life”, it appears France’s civil code contains a number of implicit wink-winks. More reason for Al Bundy to stay put.

Nothing Says College Rivalry Like “Tortious Interference!” As Texas A&M looks to leave the Big XII athletic conference to join the Southeastern Conference, it finds itself in a pickle as one of jilted league’s have-nots has made clear that it intends to sue to keep the school in its present conference. According to one expert, by threatening to sue the SEC on the basis of tortious interference, Baylor University needs to prove malicious intent (but there are plenty of other opinions). Unfortunately, like a mob hit, this may be a case of “nothing personal, just business”.

We Welcome Our Future Robot Masters. New textualists, led by minds such as Justice Antonin Scalia, want to see a legal system where the discretion of judges in analyzing statutes is reduced and replaced with a formulaic and systematic interpretive rules. A Yale law student took the argument to a new level: why not use computers like IBM’s Jeopardy-winning Watson to help judges cut through their pesky emotions? We propose taking this a step further by allowing the robots to fill the role of judge, jury and executioner. There is no way this could possibly go wrong.

Law School Remains a Fine Racket. The institutions of California Western and Thomas Jefferson share two traits: they rank #1 and #2 in the average indebtedness of their students (for the class of 2010, the average at California Western was i$145,621, Thomas Jefferson $137,352) and most people have never heard of them. Also in the top ten is Charleston, a for-profit law school that only recently received ABA accreditation, where the portion of their per-unit profit margin supplied by crushing student debt is $128,571. Seriously, if you can swat down the occasional lawsuit, forming an ABA-approved law school is the way to go!

Baphomet is My Copilot. Trying to expand your book of business? Why not try Craigslist, where you can find winners like this.

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