Columns

Five Ways to Say Grace

by Michael Estrin on November 27, 2008 in Columns

What’s Thanksgiving without a little grace? Nancy Grace, that is. We thought about telling you what we were thankful for this year, but that just isn’t very bitter. So, instead we decided to share our favorite clips from America’s top cable news lawyer—Nancy Grace.

1. Who is Nancy Grace?

This lawyer turned cable news pundit lost on “Jeopardy!” to Regis Philbin and Carson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

2. Touch of Grace

Okay, we lied. We are thankful. Thankful that Nancy Grace is no longer working as a prosecutor. Get ready for the worst interview. Ever.

3. Saturday Night Grace

We love Amy Poehler’s impression of Nancy Grace, but after watching hours of the cable news pundit, we’re wondering why Lorne Michaels doesn’t just put the real Nancy Grace on “SNL.”

4. Goodness Gracious

Who needs Black’s Law Dictionary when we have Nancy Grace to keep us straight on those pesky terms of art?

[Video No Longer Available]

5. DisGraceful

Nancy Grace outraged. Paris Hilton in a bikini. This was supposed to be Thanksgiving, but it looks like everyday is Christmas on the internet.

God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our Nancy. Amen.

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Giving Thanks for Billing on Thanksgiving

by Bitter and Abused on November 26, 2008 in Columns

I just got back from a meeting regarding a response (due Monday) to a motion for summary judgment in a trade secrets case. Junior partner who was left in charge of dealing with responding to the 865 statements of undisputed material fact (and who had been aggressively insisting since last Monday that it was “under control”) revealed that although he had disputed nearly every one of the statements, he “hadn’t really had time to completely finish” filling in the supporting cites from a record containing hundreds and hundreds of pages.

For the un-anointed, all you really need to understand is that there is a lot of fucking work left to do. Not only is Thanksgiving shot, but so is close to every minute of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, including those traditionally spent sleeping.

Of course I desperately wanted to fire off a searing indictment of this abuse, until it dawned on me: This is precisely why they pay me five times the median household income for single women. So perhaps my mood (and productivity) would be better served by reflecting on why this abuse should be greeted with holiday gratitude:

It’s concrete proof I haven’t been laid off
Won’t have to pretend I’m working just to save face in front of my law school friends who work at more prestigious Big Firms than mine
Perfect opportunity to act out my fantasy of pulling that senior associate of indeterminate relationship status into a make-out session in Docketing
Can finally stare for as long as I want at the creepy family photos in the offices of the senior partners I work for
The borderline psychotic wife who is convinced I am having an affair with her junior partner husband is (presumably) with him today, which means an all-day reprieve from those unsettling hang-up prank calls
Won’t have to take the long route to the bathroom to avoid the secretary that terrifies me
It’s a weekday (holiday or no holiday), and I might be able to cut out before 10:00 PM
No need to come up with excuses to get that Mormon paralegal who thinks we’re BFFs out of my office
Will not be subjected to the open-mouthed ogling usually caused by my office’s placement on the path to the men’s room—none of the male partners will be here
The saved calories means slightly less guilt over not having gone to the gym since five weeks before the bar exam
Won’t have to deal with the newly minted family holiday tradition of having my Uncle Joe announce derisively “Here comes the bigshot rich lawyer” every time I enter a room

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Two Bar Exams, One Dream Clerkship, No Job

by Katie Apple on November 24, 2008 in Columns

The thrill is gone.

Last Friday, I found out that I passed the New York bar. How I was able to find that out after five-plus hours of fruitlessly trying to load a page on their website, which crashed approximately 14 minutes after results became available, is another story.

I immediately had that “whoosh” feeling, like 15 tons had just been lifted from my shoulders. I had that same feeling almost exactly one year prior, when I found out that I passed the California bar.

A year ago, I went out, got drunk and took a cute guy home. It was great.

But one year later, the results of the New York exam inspired little in the way of drunken revelry and casual sex.

Why the second bar exam?

I had moved to New York for what was supposed to be a six-month clerkship at DreamJob (yes, you’ve heard of the company. No, I’m not going to name them). After a few months at DreamJob, I fell in love with New York, which prompted me to begin my search for local BigLaw jobs that would help me eventually return to DreamJob as an in-house counsel. In other words, DreamJob doesn’t hire lawyers straight out of law school. They’ll give you a “clerkship” with a meager stipend that won’t even cover the cost of renting an apartment in New York.

But the lawyers at DreamJob did help setup a few BigLaw interviews for me that went something like this:

Partner: “Oh, you’re not licensed in New York. But you’d be willing to take the Bar again, right?”

Me: “Well, I can waive into DC and in five years I can waive into New York…”

Partner: “Not so much.”

Me: “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

So I had to regroup, suck it up and sign up for the New York bar.

Let me just tell you 3L’s out there who bitch about studying for the bar: You have nothing else to do but go to class, write some outlines and work out. (I was never in better shape than when I was studying for the California bar. And I’m talking about California-hottie shape, mind you.) Working and paying rent in New York City while studying for the bar was a totally different experience. I worked for most of the summer, found a new apartment, moved and managed to do my first multiple choice questions the weekend of July 4. This was not the plan for success I had followed the year before, and I was nervous. I had an epic breakdown after the test was over. I was so exhausted.

But there was no rest after the July exam It was time to find a job.

Luckily, DreamJob extended my clerkship (with its meager stipend) while I was looking for a job. I thought, yeah, I’ll be out of there in a month. That was back in August. Four months later, I’m still working as a clerk and going on interviews.

That’s the good news. The bad news is that DreamJob’s kicking me to the curb by December 31, and I’m looking at a widespread BigLaw hiring freeze.

So, despite a regular stream of “promising” interviews, this is my life right now:

Ignorant Slut Co-Worker: “Congrats on passing another bar.”

Me: “Thanks.”

Ignorant Slut Co-Worker: “Now if you could only find a job.”

Me: “I hate you.”

Got a Bitter Rantof your own? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com

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I Did Coke and Slept with a Paralegal

by Ex-Bitter on November 24, 2008 in Columns

QI’m a fourth year, and last week I hooked up with this paralegal. It was a total one-nighter kind of thing. And we also might have snorted a little something. Not to mention, I have a girlfriend who lives in another city. I’m freaking out that she might report me to firm management or tell other people in the firm what we did. What should I do?

AFirst thing to do is relax. (You’re not the first man in this position: I’m Sexing a Paralegal) When the time is right—i.e., today—hang out with your paralegal pal and casually let her know it was a one-and-done kind of thing. But be cool. Make her think it’s her decision. Let her think she’s blowing you off. Talk about how conflicted and depressed you are, that you hate your job, etc… Say things like, “I’m just in a really weird place right now” or “Now’s not a good time for me to be in a ‘complicated’ relationship.” Remember that word. Complicated. Keep using it.

As for the drug thing, just deny it. You never did coke with a paralegal. Got it? Never happened. Unless she has surveillance cameras in her bedroom, she can never prove it. So leave it at that. But lay off the blow nonetheless. Not a great rap for an attorney. Kind of lame. And very 1987. Being lonely and miserable is no excuse. Just ask Gordon Gecko himself; “If you need a friend, get a dog.”

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Return of The Tool

by Bitter Temp Guy on November 24, 2008 in Columns

Rather than redacting, I’m listening to a Hippie temp tell me that we could win the war in Afghanistan by encouraging the farmers to grow pot, when the Tool walks into the room.

The Tool hovers over us.

“You sure you know to redact only personal information?”

“I thought we were redacting everything but the personal information,” I say.
Keep Reading ⇒

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Nine Bitter Details on Eliot Spitzer

by Michael Estrin on November 22, 2008 in Columns

Nine Bitter Details on Eliot Spitzer:

We thought we had heard the last of Eliot Spitzer earlier this month when departing U.S. Attorney Michael J. Garcia told The New York Times why he declined to bring charges against the former New York governor in the infamous prostitution case. But then Ashley Dupré, the girl who allegedly had an encounter with Client 9, broke her silence, telling 20/20 and People Magazine that she’s a “normal girl.”

We’ll let the “normal girl” claim slide since we don’t have any actual knowledge of high-class prostitutes here (we swear). But we do know quite a bit about lawyers, and Spitzer was no ordinary lawyer, which is why we put together Client 9’s most bitter details.

1. Client 9 was a BigLaw veteran

Having spent two years at Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison after earning his JD from Harvard Law, he also spent two years at Skadden after working for the Manhattan DA’s office. And that’s quite a bio, but we’d probably file the sex scandal thing under “community outreach” in the activities/hobbies section of Spitzer’s new resume.

2. Client 9 is wicked smart

He reportedly scored a perfect 180 on his LSAT and 1590 (out of 1600) on his SAT. Nobody’s perfect all the time.

3. Client 9 worked on Claus von Bulow’s appeal

While attending Harvard Law School, Client 9 was one of several students who worked for Professor Alan Dershowitz on Claus von Bulow’s appeal. Von Bulow’s conviction for attempting to murder his socialite wife was overturned, and Dershowitz later told Time Magazine that Spitzer “always wants to do what’s right.” Talk about a reversal of fortune.

4. Client 9 helped end the Gambino crime family

The Gambinos lost their stranglehold on New York City’s garment and trucking industries. How did he get the evidence he needed after numerous attempts at planting wire taps were snuffed out? Spitzer came up with the idea of opening a sweatshop and letting the mob come to him. Unfortunately, the investigation took longer than expected, which put the Manhattan DA’s office in the awkward position of running an unprofitable sweatshop for several months. Good thing Spitzer wasn’t trying to take down a mob prostitution ring. That investigation may never have ended.

5. Ashley Dupré says she didn’t know that Client 9 was NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer

What Dupré did know about Spitzer was that he was “polite” and “strictly business.” Way to keep it classy, Spitz.

6. There are several Facebook groups that pay tribute to Client 9

Such group include “Elliot Spitzer can be my Pimp,” “C’mon Spitzer, keep it in your pants!” and “Prostitutes for Governor Eliot Spitzer.” And just because your law career went down in flames doesn’t mean we won’t accept your Facebook request to join our group, Eliot. Don’t be a stranger.

7. Client 9 used the alias George Fox

Spitzer was George Fox when he checked into room 871 of the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC. But that wasn’t the first (and probably not the last) sex scandal to take place at the Mayflower. It played host to Monica Lewinsky when her affair with President Bill Clinton was making headlines. So, um. Maybe the DC vice squad should setup a permanent stakeout at the Mayflower. Just an idea.

8. Client 9 wasn’t the only high-profile man caught in the Emperor’s Club sex ring

Britain’s Duke of Westminster was alleged to be Client 6. But since when are the Brits allowed to screw around in the U.S.? Doesn’t anyone respect the Monroe Doctrine anymore?

9. According to reports, Client 9 spent up to $80,000 on prostitutes

But those same reports also point out that the prostitutes made as much as $31,000 per day. It looks like BigLaw salaries and bonus have nothing on the Emperor’s Club compensation plan.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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I Modeled in College

by Ex-Bitter on November 21, 2008 in Columns

QI’m a 1L at a top-20 school hoping to get a summer job some place. Here’s the issue: I did some modeling during college. Nothing major, but I was in Vogue, Elle, and a few other magazines. Other than law school and a brief stint as a waitress, it was the only real job I’ve ever had. Should I put this on my resume, or is it cheesy? If I don’t, I’ll have nothing to put down and it will look I’m a slacker. If I do, I fear that I’ll be judged negatively or that I’ll sound conceited.
Keep Reading ⇒

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I Failed the Bar Exam

by Ex-Bitter on November 19, 2008 in Columns

QI’m working at a Big Firm, and I just found out I failed the bar. Out of 30 first years, I think I’m the only one. Is my career ruined? Will my reputation forever be tarnished? What should I do?

ALie your ass off. Tell everyone you were preoccupied with your girlfriend’s terminal cancer or your best friend’s tragic suicide. Or something like that. Even though it’s a common occurrence, failing the bar still ain’t cool in Big Firm World. People pretend it’s not a big deal, but it is.

The firm will probably have you meet with some well-wishing partner who failed 30 years ago to help allay your humility and anxiety, but don’t be fooled, they’re not thrilled. To them, you either didn’t study hard enough or you’re not that smart. Neither one is great. Think about it. If you were a partner and you had a choice to work with two associates—one who passed the bar and one who failed the bar– who would you pick?

So do yourself a favor and come up with a simple, credible excuse that makes you look neither stupid nor lazy, and then study your ass off and pass the goddamn bar in February. Bottom line: If you’re smart and diligent, people will forget you failed. If you’re not, they won’t.

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Six Facebook Groups to Know About

by Michael Estrin on November 17, 2008 in Columns

Six Facebook Groups to Know About:

You should be billing hours, but with so many friends to keep tabs on and ex-lovers to stalk, Facebook has become a major part of your day. But if you haven’t ventured far beyond the confines of your own social network, you’re missing out.

Here are six legal-oriented Facebook groups that got our attention.

[Ed. Note: A Facebook account is required to access the following groups, which are linked by title.]

1. I’m a Lawyer But I’d Rather Be a Pirate

Their Take: Self-explanatory, but for all those who’d rather be trawling the high seas than trawling through a contract, a lease, a shareholder’s agreement…

Bitter Take: You know the pirate craze has officially become lame when it has reached BigLaw.

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2. I’m a Lawyer and I’m Hot

Their Take: The Practice made you think you’d be rubbing elbows with Dylan McDermott and Lara Flynn Boyle. Then you started law school and reasoned that all the hotties must have gone to that party school you ambitiously avoided. Now that you’re practicing, you realize you were sadly mistaken. Every law school, every firm, is comprised of the same sea of Denny Cranes, and YOU stand out like a cookie in Calista Flockhart’s hand. You know from experience that you don’t have to look like a turtle to swim with the sharks, and now you know you’re not alone. You’re in a precious minority: you’re an attorney and you’re HOT! This is the group for YOU!

Bitter Take: We’re willing to concede that there are some hot lawyers out there (we’re looking at you, Skadden), but 740 members for this group? No way. v

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3. Legally Blonde Inspired Me to Become a Lawyer!

Their Take: For all of those blondes out there who saw this movie and saw Elle Woods as an inspiration….and who have now decided to become a lawyer!….or who thought they would like to become a lawyer and then found out that it takes 7 years of school:D

Bitter Take: Sorry, we’re still laughing over that second sentence. For the record, this group has only 167 (rather attractive) members. Take that, “I’m a Lawyer and I’m Hot.”

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4. I’ve Thought About Dropping Out Of Law School At Least Ten Times Today

Their Take: This is a support group for students who have seriously considered throwing down their highlighters and running screaming from the building at least ten times in the past day (or hour, if you’re me). If you’ve been feeling this way, but yet still keep coming back for more, please join. Invite your friends. And together, BY GOD, we will persevere.

Bitter Take: Here’s a staggering fact: This group has more than 6,000 members. Our favorite forum post: “Addictions I picked up in law school to help me cope: Smoking. Drinking. Yelling at well-meaning loved ones.”

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5. Why did I become a lawyer? Why… WHY ???

Their Take: Need I say more?

Bitter Take: We’re sold.

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6. The Disgruntled Associate (Lawyer Attorney)

Their Take: A GROUP FOR U.S. ATTORNEYS and ATTORNEYS TO VENT.

Why does the partner pile work on you so he/she can fly to Antigua with his/her mistress for a week-long tryst? Are you overworked and underpaid? Office politics suck. What can you do about it?

Ask questions or just vent.

Give advice to greenies.

(Licensed U.S. Attorneys ONLY – to join send request and SBN).

Bitter Take: There’s only one member in this group, but you are not alone, Disgruntled Associate. Join the Bitter Lawyer group on Facebook and tell us more about that partner with the mistress.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

Loose Ends, 11-17-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 17, 2008 in Columns

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Think you’re sitting pretty in this current economy because of the cellar full of 2005 Chateau Lafite Rothschild Bordeaux you bought years ago? Think again. Even the fruit of the vine doesn’t have as much juice as it once did. [BBC News]

Gregory Craig will be the new White House counsel for the Obama administration. Which is a surprising, change-we-can-believe-in decision considering Craig is a 1972 graduate of the New England School of Law… Er, just kidding. He graduated from that “other Boston-area school,” then Yale Law. He also has a snappy rhyming name and defended President Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. [WSJ Law Blog]

Who might Obama appoint to the Supreme Court? It’s uncertain at this point, but it seems everyone is ready for whichever Justices are thinking about retiring to get going so the fun of choosing some fresh blood can begin. Out with the old. Kicked to the curb. The bell is ringing. It’s time to go new school. [Los Angeles Times]

Throw a rock down the street and you have a good change of hitting any number of lateral partners on the job market. But it’s all about whose got the biggest book of business and knows how to use it. [Law.com]

Billing rates and billable hour totals are down compared to years previous, which means a lot of firms have a lot more time on their hands. So what if they sold it off Costco-style using value billing? Just a thought. [Law Department Management | The Greatest American Lawyer]

For most, the bitter feelings accrue slowly over time. For others, a Bitter Lawyer is born day one of law school. A simple acoustic guitar sets the 1L stage for a Dashboard Confessional-style expression of a bitter law student. [Pax Plena]