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Eight Interview Don’ts

by Bitter Staff on September 2, 2008 in Columns

Let’s get right to it.

1. Don’t write stupid, trivial things under the “Personal” section of your resume

Nobody cares if you’re a Woody Allen fanatic, bake a mean kiwi-lemon pie or “love to travel.” Save this section for real things only. Stuff like “Speak Cantonese fluently,” “Varsity Golf, Vanderbilt University,” or “Published Various Political Essays in The New Yorker, 2004 – Present.” In other words, if you don’t have anything legitimate and unique to add, say nothing. Please.

2. Don’t put your goddamn LSAT score on your resume

No matter what. Even if you scored a perfect 180. People will hate you.

3. Don’t put your high school on your resume

Even if you went to Andover, Choate, Dalton, or Harvard-Westlake. It’s just a high school. We know you’re proud and all, but the risk of irreparable alienation far outweighs the potential reward.

4. Don’t try to impress the interviewer with how smart you are

Believe it or not, you’re just another law student looking for a job, and nobody is going to be wowed with your keen intellect and superficial knowledge of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934. The most important thing is to be enthusiastic and eager. The interviewers assume you’re smart–that’s why you got an interview in the first place. So do yourself a favor and try to be “normal”—not intellectual. It’s far more impressive.

5. Don’t exaggerate your work experience

Truth is, people don’t care what you did prior to law school—unless you’re one of the few people who actually did something relevant and interesting. For the other 99% of the student body, keep it simple and honest. People are more interested in your ability to learn than what you’ve already learned. So don’t attempt to spin some internship at your dad’s friend’s law firm into some sort of high-powered, transactional gig.

6. Don’t dress like a jackass

Be stylish, but in case of a tie, err on the side of conservatism. But please, wear something manufactured in the past three years. Men, stay away from black, bow ties, summer suits and “statement” ties. Women, keep the cleavage and hip-hugging to a minimum, regardless of how many times a week you do pilates.

7. Don’t harass interviewers with thank-you emails and letters

People often say “Feel free to call me if you have any questions,” but they don’t really mean it. So save your calls and emails for when it matters—after the firm actually makes you an offer and you’re trying to decide what firm to pick. Remember, 90% of the time, the decision to hire you has already been made by the time you send your ass-kissing email anyway. Not once in the history of the world has someone been hired because they sent a thank-you note. In fact, it might actually cost you points because now the person you sent it to has to respond—which is annoying.

8. Don’t ask about billable hours, lifestyle or firm culture

You might as well just pull out a clown mask and start dancing around the office. If you give the interviewer any sort of hint that you’re not interested in working your ass off, you’re dead. Save all the “give me the skinny” questions for post-offer discussions. Until then, attitude is king.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Seven Things to Look Forward to as a Junior Associate

by Bitter Staff on August 30, 2008 in Columns

Seven Things to Look Forward to as a Junior Associate:

1. Doing absolutely nothing all week, then getting a Friday phone call from a partner at 5:15 PM.

2. Being uninteresting to people with cool jobs.

3. Telling people that vacations are for pussies and actually believing it.

4. Telling your friends that you have a shot at making partner.

5. Finding out that you were just passed over for partner.

6. Changing jobs without letting your new firm know that you were passed over for partner.

7. Not making partner at your new firm because they already knew you were passed over for partner at your old firm.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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TV Review: Raising the Bar

by Bitter Staff on August 29, 2008 in Columns

RAISING THE BAR

Premieres Labor Day, TNT, 10 p.m.

Synopsis: Life of a righteous public defender and his friends, who just so happen to be prosecutors and judicial clerks. And really cute.

Pedigree: A+. Steven Bochco. The Cravath, Swaine & Moore of television producers. Emmy Award winning credits include L.A. Law, Hill Street Blues and NYPD Blue. Not to mention, Doogie Howser, M.D..

Overview: Public Defender (played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar) clashes with crazy, right-wing judge to free innocent African American man wrongfully accused of rape. The rational and gorgeous prosecutor (played by Melissa Sagemiller) understands the case is weak, and agrees to plead out the defendant to a less serious crime, but the wacko judge won’t accept the plea. The Public Defender goes nuts in his pursuit of justice and gets thrown in jail for contempt. In between the court battles, the prosecutors and public defenders hang out at the local bar and talk about their jobs.

High Points: Jonathan Scarfe, who plays a deliciously circumspect law clerk and Currie Graham, the charmingly heartless and randy chief prosecutor.

Low Points: Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s one-note, super-earnest pursuit of justice begins to wear thin; the legal plotline and judge’s absurd behavior (whether she’s crazy or not) is implausible; the legal and romantic plot turns feel obvious and conventional.

Verdict: It’s not Mr. Bochco’s best. The acting is solid, if not brilliant, and the storytelling, though familiar, is interesting enough to entertain. But if you’re one of those lawyers who can’t watch a legal show that plays fast and loose with the law, don’t bother. You’ll go insane.

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I’m Unsure How to Handle an OCI Situation

by Ex-Bitter on August 28, 2008 in Columns

I met a partner from this highbrow law firm when I was out one night having a nice dinner with my fiancée. I asked for his card, he gave it to me, and I ran into him again at that very same restaurant when I was waiting for a friend to meet me at the bar. He remembered me, and we talked for a bit. It turns out that I currently work with one of his good friends, and he’s also a graduate of my current law school.

So I came to find that his firm was conducting OCIs at my school. I applied, looked him up on the firm website, and saw that he was on the firm’s board of directors. I decided to e-mail him asking if he could help me secure an interview. I expected no response. Sure enough, he emailed me back, told me that he remembered me, said that he would help me out, and said that he would “recommend me” to the partner conducting interviews (he also gave me that partner’s name.) He ended his response with “good luck”.

What does this mean in lawyerspeak? Does it mean that he got me an interview, but anything beyond that, I’m on my own? Should I offer to take the guy out to lunch so we could get to know each other better? What about the partner conducting interviews? Should I reach out to her before she come to campus? What should I say?

Based on what you’ve told me, it means he’s going to help you get an interview. That’s it. Unless, of course, there’s more going on here than you’re suggesting. If there’s not, here’s what you should do…

If Partner Guy delivers on his email and gets you an interview with his firm, send him a thank you email prior to the on-campus interview. If for some reason he doesn’t hook up the interview, send him an email asking him one more time if he can possibly get you on the list (citing the various reasons you think his firm is a good fit for you, etc…).

Other than that, leave it alone. No lunch. No calls. No flirting. If you get the interview, show up and do your thing. That’s it. And no matter what, do not reach out to the interviewing partner prior to the interview. What would you say? “Hi, I met this guy at a bar… Don’t really know him, but he hooked me up with an interview. Oh well, I hope you guys hire me. Bye.” I also wouldn’t drop your bar-buddy’s name in the actual interview either, unless of course, the interviewer brings it up first.

And yeah, you’re on your own after that.

Got a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com.

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Gayholm Syndrome: LIVING the DREAM, Webisode 5

by Rick Eid on August 27, 2008 in Columns, Video

If you really must know, a million years ago, when I was a first-year law student, a woman I was dating off and on asked me one night, jokingly, if I was gay. It’s worth noting that the question was posed moments after I told her, yet again, that I was tired and not in the mood to have sex. It’s also worth noting that I was stressed out, studying for finals and dating someone else at the time. Anyway . . . .

Two days later, after about 40 consecutive hours of studying torts, my mind began to drift—and I began to wonder if maybe I was gay. Until this precise moment in time, the thought had never entered my mind. Not for a millisecond. But somehow, after being trapped in a library for what seemed like a decade, I began to question everything and anything—especially if it was unrelated to law. Did I believe in God? Was The Godfather Part II really better than The Godfather, or is it just one of those trendy things to say? Is it possible to actually hear color?

So anyway, there I was, studying “foreseeability” when a handsome blond man walked past. No big deal. But then, my so-called girlfriend’s words began to echo in my mind. “Are you gay?” Bored and sensory deprived, I stared at the lad and wondered: if I were on a desert island, could I possibly imagine . . . Oh my God! I could. Kind of. I guess. Imagine it. In a theoretical, desert-island kind of way. Maybe. Then again, I could also imagine eating raw bison if I was on a fucking desert island. Nonetheless, my mind began to race. Was I really gay? And if I was, how come it never occurred to me before? And how come I like women so much? Thankfully, a moment later, another man walked by. Fat, kind of bald. No interest. Then another. Athletic, reasonably attractive. Nope. As I was trying to process all this, a not-so-attractive woman walked by and my sexual orientation was instantaneously—and unequivocally—restored. If she were on the desert island too, I’d go with the not-so-cute woman. No brainer. The blond guy was officially dead to me. Desert island or no desert island.

For about twelve seconds, I was convinced I might be gay—not because I was gay, but because I’d been so goddamn deprived of any and all external stimulation for weeks. Not to mention sleep.

Gayholm Syndrome (a riff on Stockholm Syndrome) is a law-firm dramatization of the cruel jokes your mind can play when you’re trapped in a windowless conference room for three days straight. POWs fall in love with their captors even though they hate them, so why can’t first year associates fall in love with gay co-workers even though they’re straight?

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Hard (Not) at Work

by Bitter and Abused on August 27, 2008 in Columns

Some partner I never met emailed last night and asked if I’d help out with a closing. I said yes, of course. Thirty-eight hours later, I haven’t gone to bed, left the building—or done a goddamn thing. I’m just sitting outside the conference room, waiting for this ass clown to give me something to do. All-nighters suck.

Gratuitous all-nighters suck much more! I’m literally just sitting here, doing nothing, drinking shitty coffee, trying to keep my eyes open. Every once in a while, his lordship will walk past me, crack a demonic smile and say something like, “Don’t fall asleep now, chief.” AAAHHHHHH! I HATE THIS JOB!

Report your tales of Associate Abuse. Email them to info@bitterlawyer.com

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I Forgot my Portfolio at an OCI

by Ex-Bitter on August 26, 2008 in Columns

I’m a 2L and just got a call back from a big firm and think it went great. The only problem is that I left my douchebag interviewing portfolio in one of the six offices I went to and have no clue which one. Any advice on how to probe for this?

My biggest fear is that they think I’m one of those needy people who leave things around for more face time opportunity. And that I’m careless and forgetful. Which I obviously am.

Chill out. Nobody’s thinking about your douchebag interviewing portfolio. I promise. This isn’t the same as accidentally-on-purpose leaving your coat at an ex’s apartment after a post-breakup one-nighter. Everyone’s way too busy to give your damn portfolio a second thought. So get over yourself. Having said that, if you NEED the portfolio back for some reason—some legitimate, non-needy reason—call or email the hiring coordinator. Other than that, move on.

Got a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com.

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I Need a Job

by Ex-Bitter on August 25, 2008 in Columns

QWhat is your best advice for someone trying to find a job now? I graduated in May from a 2nd tier school in the top 30%, and I still don’t have a job. Also, I’m not a social moron, so that’s not the reason.

AThe primary reason you’re still in job hell is that the economy sucks. When corporate deals begin to disappear, the easiest way for firms to save money is to decrease the number of first-year associates they hire. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t quality jobs out there. You just have to work harder and more creatively to find them. Right now, you’re an average looking dude looking to hook up with a hot chick at a bar. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible either. You just have to be clever about your approach. Brad Pitt—Editor of the Harvard Law Review—can just wink at one of ‘em, and boom, he’s out the door and back at his apartment, drinking wine and having sex. Not you.

First thing to do is broaden the scope of your search. Unless you’re absolutely committed to one city, send out resumes to firms in different places. New York, Boston, D.C., Chicago, L.A., San Francisco. Also consider applying for jobs in the public sector. If you’re interested in corporate law, think about the SEC, the FDIC, etc. If you’re interested in being a litigator, think about the Justice Department, the FTC, the New York Corporation Counsel, etc. You also need to take advantage of any and all contacts you might have. Family friends, second cousins, “that guy” from college whose father is a big-shot lawyer. And be aggressive about it. Call them, email them, invite them out to lunch. You never know where a job tip might come from, so stay active. In the interim, you should also consider finding interesting part-time work. But make sure it’s at a place that enhances your resume, not just your bank account.

Finally, stay positive. You’ll find a job. No doubt about it. It’s easier said than done, I know. But you need to remain optimistic and diligent. Remember this: Right now, your job is to find a job. So get up early and work hard. Eight hours a day minimum. Just like you would if you were working at a firm. Good luck!

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I’m Deciding Between a JD and a JD/MBA

by Ex-Bitter on August 23, 2008 in Columns

I recently graduated and acquired a bachelors degree. I was wondering what are your views between a JD/MBA program vs. the traditional 3-year JD. I don’t know whether I want to do legal work forever. If I do, would the JD/MBA put me in a disadvantage position compared to a 3-yr JD?

It would give you a competitive advantage, not disadvantage. Especially if you plan to focus on corporate law. It would also make it easier for you to transition out of the law down the road, should that be of interest to you. A JD/MBA shows that you have at least a rudimentary understanding of finance and accounting, something many lawyers don’t have. So, in case of a tie, go for the JD/MBA. But don’t sacrifice academic quality for degree quantity. In other words, it’s better to get a JD from a top 10 school than a JD/MBA from a top 30 school.

P.S. You say you don’t know whether you want to do legal work forever, yet you haven’t even applied to law school yet. Not a good sign. Why spend three years busting your ass to get a degree you’re not sure you even want? Don’t be afraid to take a year off and get some real-life experience. Get a paralegal job at a big firm, see if you like it. If you do, go to law school. If you don’t, do something else. You’ll save lots of money—and avoid lots of career frustration.

Good luck.

Got a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com.

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I Need More Work

by Ex-Bitter on August 22, 2008 in Columns

QHi! I work in a medium law firm in Manhattan and am a first-year in corporate law. We closed a big deal about three weeks ago. I am in charge of the boring, tedious, post-closing grunt work. I’m the most junior attorney so that is my lot in life. I honestly don’t mind it. I’m just happy to be a part of the team. My concern is that the post-closing work at this point only consumes an hour or so of my day. No other attorney has given me any other assignments.

I’ve specifically stated to the second-year and the senior associate who worked on the last deal that I have a very light work load and I would be happy to work wherever I am needed. They both said that if they had something, they would give to me. I’ve heard through the rumor mill of new deals starting up, but no one has officially asked me to do anything. I really have nothing to do and am bored out of my mind and worried about my job security. I feel like I’m being neglected and am slipping through the cracks.

How do I ask for work in a meaningful, polite way? Who do I ask? I’m afraid to go to my practice group leader before I talk to the partners in my office, but the partners in my office should know that I need work and have nothing to do. Plus it is difficult to strike up a conversation with them when I see them in the hallways.

AOkay, here’s the deal. They don’t tell you this in law school, but part of your job as an associate is to market yourself within your firm. It’s your job to meet the people that matter and to make them want to work with you. Specifically, that means you need to network with senior associates and junior partners. How do you do that? That’s up to you. Some people are naturals, others aren’t. But if you passed the bar, you can certainly figure out how to ask someone if they need help. Or better yet, just stop by their office and say, “Hey, I was just wondering if you need any help on anything?” If they say no, it’s either because they didn’t have any work to give or they’d prefer not to work with you. I have no idea what your reputation is, but if it’s good, and people like working with you, it’s purely a function of the firm’s workload.

You also need to remember that we’re in a recession. Transactional work has slowed down significantly across the country. So my guess is, the real reason you’re not getting any work is . . . there isn’t any. Hang tough and continue to ask the right people. In the meantime, write an article relating to your practice area, attend a relevant (local) seminar, or catch up on your CLE credits. In two months, when you’re stuck in a windowless conference room all weekend, you’ll hate yourself for wasting all that free time.