When I sit around eating chicken Kiev at banquets with doctors and dentists I typically take away one lesson: pediatrics. As in that kid thing. For too long, doctors, dentists, and day care providers have dominated the pediatric niche, commanding respect and huge incomes simply by serving kids as young as six months. With current law firm revenue stagnant and future revenue hinging on the failure of LegalZoom, it’s time that lawyers consider pediatric lawyering to build a solid future. Here’s how.
It is in the best interest of parents, guardians, and children to have an infant legal checkup within the first six months of being born. Why? As in dentistry and doctoring, you never know what could be lurking beneath the gum lines or hidden in a gene pool. Same goes for legal troubles. Did the delivering doctor mess up the baby’s chances for, say, Harvard Law or Cal State? Was mom’s yoga too strenuous while baby was in utero? Does dad already work too much? And who does the bulk of diapering? Unfortunately, these questions are always associated with pop culture medicine and newspapers. We need to claim them for law.
Once you have a tot in the office, plant the fear of God in the kid’s parents about future legal troubles and liability. Discuss playground bullying, homeowner’s coverage for pranks, video game accidents, defects, or addictions, Facebook privacy and its association with chronic wasting disease. Cement the need for periodic checkups by hauling out a map of registered sex offenders who live within a ten mile radius. Or just hang that map on the wall.
Work hard to build a positive rapport based on really shitty things happening. That will have clients coming to your office every six months “just to check if things are OK, y’know, legally speaking.” Finally, wear a white lab coat and give your periodic check-ups a sexy marketable name, like LexCheck or LawRocketNinjaKids. Just don’t use the word vaccine in the name, as you’ll eliminate the God-fearing vegan homeschooling sock knitters from your pediatric market. In today’s competitive environment, you need every client you can get.
First, if you have things like an office bar or hot tub, you’ll need to readjust your furnishings to accommodate small children, moms, and college-aged nannies. One sure-fire way to engage the kids (and increase revenue) is a Spiral Wishing Well Coin Vortex Funnel, the kind you often see at the zoo or the local science museum. Kids love them, and parents will shell out coin after coin to keep that little tyke happy while waiting to talk about their kids’ latest slip and fall. It’s a win-win. No, literally, ka-ching.
Or set aside a portion of your lobby or basement and invest in a legally-themed play area, complete with slip and fall props, accident reconstruction toys, and any extra lawyerly fax machines you have around. Make sure to use bright and happy colors. Traditional lawyer mahogany is a no-go with most toddlers, and new parents associate most dark colors with poo.
Whatever you do, the future is in pediatrics. Legal pediatrics. Attorneys who understand and tap into this niche area will be the future revenue leaders of the industry. So, take our tips, get started now, and let us know how well it works for you.