Dating Tips for the 1L

So, you decided to go law school and you just happen to be single as well. You are excited for your first year. You are about to be thrown into a small community of really smart people just like yourself and you are confident that at least 1 or 10 of them will be really attractive! Also, you have an outfit for the first day of law school that you know looks absolutely amazing on you. You are ready to go, but before you jump head first into the cesspool that is the 1L dating scene, please let me impart some wisdom on you.

Do not do it

Seriously, just don’t do it. You know how you shouldn’t date people you work with? Well it’s the same thing here, you are going to see these people every day and so you shouldn’t do it. But actually, it’s much much worse than that. I assume the average workplace has an average number of self obsessed psychopaths, but in law school, your chances are 1 in 2 that the person’s face you are sucking has a mental disorder.

If you sleep with someone in your section, everyone in your section will know every last detail of your coitus.

“Oh, but we really care about each other! S/he wont share my deepest darkest bedroom secrets!” Are you serious? Have you ever even hung out with a lawyer, like ever? Obviously not, because if you had, you would know that the main thing those attorney types like to do is talk. They love to talk all day long. And usually they are going on and on about some boring separation of powers argument and no one cares.

But, when they get to talk about sex, everyone is (probably for the first time ever in their life) staring at them with rapt attention. “And then she said whaaaaat?!?!” Yeah, they aren’t just listening, the are asking questions! No budding 1L can withstand that sort of temptation to practice their public speaking skills.

“So, if I sleep with someone in a different section it will be alright?” Of course not! Nothing is going to be alright for you for a very long time! And you are already thinking about violating rule number one! Your one comfort will be though (if you only flirt with the other sections) that your lover from the other section will be spilling the beans about your sex life in a different room where you don’t have to be embarrassed and can deny the dirty deeds if need be outside their presence.

You get to make out with/sleep with/hold hands with one person from school per semester

This isn’t some prude puritan thing. Sleep with a new person every night for all I care (although you should use protection). Just make sure only one of those people per semester is actually from your law school.

“Why?” you ask? Because, as I just explained to you, about half the people in your school have mental health disorders. Your chances are high that your new “friend” will be a pathological liar, an egotistical maniac, neurotic, manic depressive, or possibly a straight out psychopath incapable of empathy. You don’t want to play hot potato with a series of mentally ill suitors. (And to be clear, you are the potato in that analogy and you are being tossed around by very intelligent and very unstable lovers.)

Also, if you follow this rule, you might just be slightly more selective about who you make out with at the end of the night in a bar in front people who will be your colleagues for the rest of your life. No one is going to care ten years from now if you made out with the homeless guy (or 10 homeless guys) who sits in the corner of the bar. But if you just went home with your best friends man/girl, all of your colleagues will remember that for as long as they know you. They might stop saying things to you about it, but they wont forget.

Have Fun

Yeah, I told you not to do it, but if you were one to take advice, you probably wouldn’t be going to law school in the first place. So, have fun. The good thing about law school is no one is expecting you to get married right away and have 3920483 babies and so you can enjoy the pressure free dating scene for maybe the last time ever. Call your friends over to your place at 1 am because you just didn’t take their advice about some guy/girl and now you totally need some Ben and Jerry’s or beer or wine or all three . . . At least if you are spending all night regretting a bad decision with a lover, you aren’t spending it worrying about how you totally didn’t know any of the answers to any of the questions your professor asked about Pennoyer v. Neff. Sometimes, in law school, that’s a good thing.

(image: Young attractive couple having sex via Shutterstock

1 Comment

  1. Willem

    August 29, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Guys should not go to law school expecting to find a cute law student. They are as rare as a two-headed penny. Most look like the buffalo on the old buffalo nickel.

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