Dear PhilaLawyer: My Crush is a Slut; Who Can I Assault?


[Ed. Note:  The following is the second reply in Bitter Lawyer’s offer to Ask the Philadelphia Lawyer Anything.  We received a ton of “interesting” entries seeking advice from the all-knowing lawyer/writer, but he is only answering three.  The lucky person who submitted the below question just won a copy of The Philadelphia Lawyer’s best-selling book, Happy Hour Is for Amateurs: Work Sucks. Life Doesn’t Have To.]

Q: This question has absolutely nothing to do with law, law school, law firms, etc… The only legal aspect is that I may or may not go to jail for assault, depending on what you say.

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A: Good. This may be “Bitter Lawyer,” but let’s face it—nobody here wants to read about law.  Law’s boring.  Look at the pieces that get the most traffic here: Bits on breast implants, breasts generally and…breasts.  Like everybody else filling out “TPS Reports” in Our Great Whiffle Economy, readers here want to think about anything that’ll keep their minds off the Matrix they pretend to care about for paychecks.  Congrats.  If nothing else, you’ve helped make someone’s quest for Monday-morning distractions a little easier.

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Q: The situation: For the past several months, I have been smitten by an extremely attractive former co-worker.  Although she is slightly nuts, I have made my feelings clear—and been rejected.  Fair enough.  On St. Patrick’s Day, we happened to be at the same bar, and I drunkenly put a move on her, which she rejected.  Again, fair enough.  However, 20 minutes later, she starts making out with some douchebag right in front of me.  Then a mutual friend of ours, who I consider a close friend and who knows my feelings towards this girl, admits to me he’s been fucking her for the past two weeks.  So my question has a couple parts.  One, am I permitted to call her a slut to her face?

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A: No.  But not because some notion of politeness or chivalry demands discretion.  Because the simple fact is: This woman is not a slut.  A slut screws everybody.  It’s the definition of the animal.  “That which sleeps with all.” Black’s Law Dictionary, 12th Ed (1957).  This woman merely screwed your friend, which makes her a garden-variety chick-you’d-like-to-be-banging-who-happens-to-be-banging-your-buddy.  My advice is to do what most men do in this circumstance: Call her whatever you like.  In the privacy of your apartment.  Then masturbate to internet porn, get loaded and forget about her until the next day, when you see your friend again, and he goes on for 10 minutes about her Brazilian.

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Q: I also feel like either punching my good friend in the face/nuts or never speaking to him again.  Is this a womanly overreaction, or am I justified?

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A: It’s on page 10 of the Marquess of Queensbury Rules: You can’t fight men over women, or women over women (the latter’s difficult to explain at arraignments).  I won’t comment on fighting women over men.  If that’s a possibility, you’re beyond my help.  (But please send me an email through my website, as I may want to write about you).  My advice is to cool down.  Put it from your mind.  You’ll find someone else soon enough, and the vision of this unrequited love that pops into your head every time you see your buddy—the one of her riding him in a reverse cowgirl position as he spanks her like a petulant child—will fade like the memory of the conference call you read The New York Times through this morning.

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Q: Being a big fan of your website, I know how you love fine booze. What is the ideal drink for getting over rejection?

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A: None.  The only cure for not screwing who you want is screwing someone else.  I don’t care if you have to go on a sex tour of Thailand, you need to get laid, yesterday.  It’s ancient wisdom, predating Confucianism, Zoroastrianism…running back to the days of Neanderthals, that one can only purge the pain of love rejected by purging something else, into someone else.  In the words of the immortal Stephen Stills (the wellspring of all sound, life-enriching advice), “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Long time.[1]

Barring that, magic mushrooms and three bottles of Veuve Clicquot Demi-Sec.  (A little pricey, but it goes down like soda, and who’s more deserving of our generosity than ourselves?) Do not seek solace in bourbon.  Liquid rage is the last thing you want in your bloodstream.  A half a bottle of Knob Creek is the fastest path I can imagine, short of an eight ball, to an assault conviction for scattering your buddy’s teeth around his apartment.  Stay cool and follow the time-tested wisdom of Frank Costanza: “Serenity now… Serenity now…”

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BONUS QUESTION FROM A SECRET ADMIRER:

Q: Are you hot?  In my head you’re classically very masculine and sexy (think Colin Firth or Clive Owen), but then reason sets in as to the likelihood of that, and I think otherwise.  I need a visual, PhilaLawyer.  How sexy are you?
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A: Flattery will get you everywhere, and here it’s gotten you a book, but I’ve been asked this a number of times, and I can’t objectively answer.  So here it is from my wife:

Thank you.  Although he wrote an entire chapter about my anatomy, I never had the opportunity to return the favor.  In a word, yes.  The Clive Owen/Colin Firth scale is appropriate.  He’s 6’2, thick, straight hair, great hands, a laugh that can be deep or a giggle like a naughty schoolboy, and expressive green eyes that get a wonderful side crinkle when he smiles.  I could go on, but he says this has to be short.

She tells me women will understand that.  I assume you’re a woman (or a very strange man), so there you have it.
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[1] Airfare to Bangkok is surprisingly cheap, I’m told.

The Philadelphia Lawyer lives outside Philadelphia with his family, including his non-lawyer wife.

Read more from PhilaLawyer.

20 Comments

  1. Alma Federer

    March 29, 2010 at 4:01 am

    I do NOT find men like this attractive or worthy.  They glorify sex, woman’s breasts, and then more sex.  No where is there ANY discussion about the legal profession; what young attorneys should do to move up the ladder and improve themselves; how we can be better citizens to the community at large; trends in the profession that we, as attorneys, ought to be apprised of, and longer-term goals for us, as young attorneys.  Instead, this jerk, and that Matt Richardson do nothing but focus on women’s bodies, boobs, rear ends and overall sex issues.  There is more to life than women’s bodies, boys.  Live it.  Learn it.  I know some of you will bash me, but you know what?  I don’t care.  FOOEY on you who would bash me.  There will be men who adore me, so there.

  2. Juris Depravis

    March 29, 2010 at 5:52 am

    “Love the One You’re With” was by Stephen Stills.  Otherwise, a well-written piece.

  3. Prom Queen

    March 29, 2010 at 7:21 am

    Thanks for making my Monday morning less mundane.
    Original question dude, you sound like a woman. Where are your balls? You didn’t have secret “dibs” on this girl, that ended in high school. You’re just scorned, and since you’re not a woman, take a shot of something strong and go find some other tail.
    Alma… you make me laugh. Have you never had a male friend who gives you their honest opinion of things? My whole life I’ve been the girl who was friends with all of the guys… and even the most refined in public have the mind of a 14 year old boy when you get down to the nuts and bolts.

  4. KateLaw

    March 29, 2010 at 7:39 am

    I think this guy needs to hit the gym or do something to improve his looks & deflate his ego.  The fact that you called this chick a slut b/c you got turned down AND you want to hit someone as a result of it leads me to believe that you’re an unattractive douche who thinks waaaay too highly of himself.  I think Alma is a guy in real life.. With absolutely no life.

  5. Son of Guano

    March 29, 2010 at 8:20 am

    I agree with KateLaw: dude, iff she blows you off, you move on. That’s protocol. You can sing songs under her window, write poems to her, or tell your friend how hot she was when you had her at work (that’s low but I can see it might help you), but you cannot get mad.

  6. What Do Women Want?

    March 29, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Alma: I don’t think you get it: all around you in NY, young women are acquiescing in laisons with med-level and senior partners to enhance their prospects in these difficult times, The more attractive women associates see the writing on the wall.  Contracting partnership chances. Layoffs. Miserable replacement jobs.  They don’t share your dream of vindicating Gloria Steinem’s vision of equality by obliterating themselves in tedious office toil, document depositories in Omaha, or endlessly edited briefs of no importance.  They are smarter than Gloria: they don’t want to be doing this when their 40.  But those that want to work seek a cushy ride to senior associate status and maybe partner. Good assignments. Stellar reviews. Business trips to a beach destination where they shop or lounge all day, and the only work they do is before they sleep. Eventually marriage and kids and maybe with one of these partners. But they aren’t deluded and were not brainwashed at college into thinking that their long legs, perfect breasts and youthful looks should be wasted.  Some of the smartest women lawyers realize that working 24/6 is no way to live and that the pursuers of the “Mrs.” degree, once scorned as fools, were not so dumb after all. That’s often why you see stunning women with so-so guys, or even short balding guys–the guys are good providers.  Alma, don’t wait too long. Guano in particular sounds like he’s marry you without even a pre nup. You could be sleeping in, sipping capppucino and staying home in no time. I hate to think of you slaving away for the next decade for some client goal of transient importance while your waist thickens, cellulite gathers and youth drains away.

  7. Luke

    March 29, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Simple advice, yet oh so true.  It always seems like the girl you’re actually legitimately interested in will hook up with anyone but you.  Doesn’t necessarily make her a slut though.  Calling a girl (you’re interested in) a slut when YOU haven’t even hooked up with her comes off… bitter and kind of pathetic.

  8. TaxxxGirl

    March 29, 2010 at 11:53 am

    So a slut just means anyone who won’t have sex with this guy the second time he asks her?? Serious fixation issues. And wanting to punch his friend over his secret, unrequited love? Sounds like he probably doesn’t have enough friends to hit the ones he does have. Good things this girl is his former co-worker so she doesn’t have to deal with his crazy during the work hours anymore.

  9. Raul

    March 29, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Good answer to a weak question. Dude apparently missed the first day of Man 101. Unless you’ve personally banged her or at least passed on a legit opportunity to you’re 100% forbidden from referring to her as a slut.
    Although their new description of you as nopussygettinest dude around sounds dead on the money.

  10. bill

    March 29, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    Alma, the site is called BITTERlawyer

  11. CA$H I$ CLAY

    March 30, 2010 at 3:16 am

    Here’s a time where rappers have the right idea.  You don’t punch your friend because he’s sleeping with the girl you want to be sleeping with.  You sleep with her friend.

  12. Guano Dubango

    March 30, 2010 at 4:58 am

    I have been there.  I have been friendly with a woman for months, but she never parted her legs for me.  On the other hand, she was humping a fellow associate, while claiming to be virginal.  While she was not a slut, as this term is used in the USA, she was not truthful to me, and strung me along with vague promises of her virtue.  What kind of a person is this?  Is there a name for such a person?  Please let me know.

  13. Juris Depravis

    March 30, 2010 at 6:22 am

    Wouldn’t the correct term be “bitch?” A slut bangs everyone; a bitch bangs everyone but you.

  14. Chico Debarge

    March 30, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Haha the guy who wrote the question is lame as hell, I can’t believe Philalawyer didn’t just roast him.

  15. Jeromy

    April 2, 2010 at 1:12 am

    I’m not quite sure. Knob Creek did quite well with me getting over my ex. Actually on your suggestion of the best bourbons.

  16. Dumped

    April 2, 2010 at 7:42 am

    Alma needs to eat some mushrooms.  If there is any chance she is not a guy fucking around with everyone and actually has a pole that far up her ass, she needs to eat several ounces over a continuous period of time. 
    Lighten the fuck up.
    The best cure for getting dumped is Vegas.

  17. John Smith

    April 3, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Alma –
    Get off your high horse. And die.

  18. Guano Dubango

    April 6, 2010 at 4:46 am

    I would still bang Alma, if she would let me.

  19. Son of Guano

    April 6, 2010 at 8:11 am

    Dad, you need to reassess the Alma issue. N attractive woman would say the things she does. She is also bitter, jaded, unsophisticated and probably a few crayons short of a box.  Examples? Well, there’s her favorite phrase, “fooey on you,” which obviously marks her as a sophisticate yeah?  The undercurrent of bitterness at her past laisons: red flag anyone? I doubt anyone like this is good at oral sex.  I wouldn’t want them raising my kids-not a daughter and certainly not a son. I again suggest you pursue normal women-ones that laugh at normal things, and aren’t constantly telling you how many men she spurns.  kate alw; chick litigator…normal people.  if you keep this up, you’ll wid up like that guy in San Diego who dumped his wife, married his paralegal and was blown away by his ex wife by “accident” at night; or that guy Bobbit who got his member sliced off by his wife.  Really: Alma is prob is her late 40’s, with cats, a snuggie and neighbors that run when they see her starting to talk.

  20. Guano Dubango

    April 6, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Thank you, son, but until I am unequivocally denied personally the bed of Alma, I am in pursuit of that, as yet untouched crotch.  An older woman who has not borne children is the best woman to receive and give pleasure.  I hope to be able to report on Alma’s nether regions before I am an old man.

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