Dinner, Drinks, and Cheez-Its


I am sure you have heard of the woman who allegedly died from drinking too much Coke. Natasha Harris died from hypokalemia that may have been caused by her excessive consumption of Coke. Listen lady, if you are drinking 2.5 gallons of Coke every day you deserve to die, because you are an idiot. That is almost two pounds of sugar just from Coke. Two pounds in one day! Oh, and she smoked 30 cigarettes a day and barely ate. I’m just surprised this lady is from New Zealand and not Alabama. Wilford Brimley would be pissed at this lady. “Did she check her blood sugar? Did she check it often? No! Then yes she deserves to die and I hope she burns in hell.”

Some people love holidays (me) and some people loath them. Andy Gatz is the latter. Gatz and his wife began to argue after she had the audacity to attend an Earth Day concert. During the fracas, Gatz grabbed a box of Cheez-Its and threw it at his lover. A cracker actually went into her eye causing injury. Obviously, don’t commit domestic violence—like Gatz, you will be arrested. But (possibly more importantly) don’t waste Cheez-Its. The undisputed G.O.A.T. of the cracker game. Its not even close. And don’t get me started on the Cheez-It Duoz with the cheddar and parmesan. Absolute game changer. Best idea since Kramerica invented ketchup and mustard in the same bottle.

Note to self: Michael Ogborn does not like tomatoes. Ogborn ordered a burger without tomato from a local Sonic only to discover a tomato waiting for him when he unwrapped his sandwich. Ogborn demanded a refund from the manager, who obliged. After being refunded his money, Ogborn then served his own meal: a knuckle sandwich, allegedly punching the manager in the face.

I hate it when someone gets my order wrong. But at the same time I’m already on the record defending the jobs of minimum wage employees. They have to put up with enough shit as it is. Meeting with probation officers, big community college group assignments to complete, and not to mention dwindling self-respect. Here is a general rule of thumb: if your bill is less than $15.00 just suck it up and forget about it. As fast food Allen Iverson would say: “We’re talking about a tomato. Not chopped onions. Not chopped onions. A tomato.” God forbid you eat a vegetable. Seriously, just pull it off and continue in your God-given right as an American to be morbidly obese.

Time for a nightcap. Police arrested Kimberly King, 50, after her granddaughter lodged a complaint during a recent babysitting venture. It turns out King was allegedly watching her two great-grandchildren only to pass out after drinking a fifth of Jim Beam, leaving the children unattended for hours. Wait a second. Kim K. is 50 and was watching her two great-grandchildren? For all you non-math majors, that is a child of a child approximately every 16.5 years. Yikes. That would drive anyone to drink.

P.S. Speaking of food, who the hell does Domino’s think they are with these new Artisan pizzas? “The company is so confident in its pizzas that the ads say customers will not be allowed to change the toppings.” Umm, sure thing, Domino’s. The only reason people are ordering your shitty pizza is because they are drunk or no other place is open. Seriously, get over yourself. Shut your mouth and know your roll, Jabroni.

Post image from Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/drivinginheels/2665734619

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

7 Comments

  1. Anne Roberts

    April 24, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    They should call her bloodstream “cokestream”. Okay, not as funny as I wanted it to be.

    • Guano Dubango

      April 25, 2012 at 6:35 pm

      The important thing is that you are trying to have a sense of humour. If you are young, fertile and wish to date me, I am available.

  2. Dr. Juris

    April 25, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    A tomato is a fruit…duh.

    • Ms. Jackson

      April 27, 2012 at 9:12 am

      Actually according to the Supreme Court in Nix v. Hedden, it’s a vegetable.

  3. southern bitter

    April 27, 2012 at 9:57 am

    ms. jackson is a gunner.

  4. Frank

    April 27, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    I would bang that chick, as long as she was admitted to the bar.

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