Valentine’s Day: The one day each year that lawyers are expected to have feelings. If you’re dating (or worse—married) to a lawyer, you know they need even the most rudimentary pointers to be able to express their love. Still, love it blind, so if you care enough to impress the lawyer in your life this weekend—and you’re flummoxed about what to buy your special JD—avoid the following hazards and stick with our suggestions.
WHAT NOT TO BUY YOUR LAWYER GIRLFRIEND:
Just consider the average eating habits of a lawyer during the week: Bagel and cream cheese, morning latte, deli buffet lunch, afternoon soda, take-out dinner, evening latte, and then either a pint of ice cream or a couple glasses of wine to unwind. All with little time for exercise. Even if your lawyer girlfriend cleans up okay and isn’t completely embarrassing, she isn’t going to look good in lingerie. Your gift is just going to make her insecure about her figure. It’s a good gift if you think it’ll lead her to her dieting and working out more, but odds are that she won’t improve herself. Becoming more self-conscious will just lead to her being inhibited in bed.
What to Get Instead: Candleholder for the bedroom (with candles and matches)
Not only are candles and candleholders a romantic choice, they’re also practical. Everyone looks better in candlelight. Get a holder for a larger candle, not tapers. Tapers will end up on the dining table, not in the bedroom. And be careful with scents. Floral and weird “fresh” scents (Linen, Summer Breeze, etc.) will end up in the bathroom.
It won’t set you back much, so you should supplement it by sending flowers, chocolates or a nice gift basket to her office. (Harry & David offers a reasonably priced Valentine’s Day themed tower of chocolates.) Something that big and showy will make her female coworkers jealous—and might help the male coworkers get the hint that she’s off the market.
Pro: A candle on the nightstand can take three months of SeamlessWeb off your lawyer girlfriend’s ass.
Con: House fire.
WHAT NOT TO BUY YOUR LAWYER BOYFRIEND:
No sex coupons, no chore coupons. No coupons for a blow job, no coupons to get out a fight—nothing. Lawyers are neurotic, stressed out and incredibly anal when it comes to any interpretive issue.
An ordinary guy is going to wonder about whether you really mean he can use them at any time, and whether or not you’re secretly expecting something in return. A lawyer is going to experience the same hassle, plus the annoyance of trying to figure out exactly what your coupons mean. Does “Good for One Quickie Anywhere You Want” refer to location or orifice? Does “One Night of Passionate Lovemaking” mean you will provide the passion, or is he being given carte blanche? Sexy coupons basically turn Valentine’s Day into an issue-spotting relationship nightmare.
What to get instead: Sexy photos
Take some NSFW pictures of yourself and send them to him embedded in an email. He’ll get a nice distraction from work, and embedding it in an e-mail means there’s no incriminating browser history or downloaded files. Go ahead and accept that he’s going to show the pictures to his coworkers—because part of the gift is boosting his reputation at the office.
Pro: After he shows the pictures around, he probably won’t want you to hang out with his work friends for a while.
Con: It’s a “Reply to All” disaster waiting to happen.
If you don’t have a body good enough to pull off sexy pics, go with a bottle of nice liquor. He’s going to need some booze in him anyway if he’s going to continue being in a relationship with a saggy, shapeless woman. Patrón XO Cafe is a good choice if he likes coffee. Avoid Scotch, unless you like making out with peat-mouth. Or just get him this.
BONUS: A BL1Y VALENTINE DRINK RECIPE:
1 1/2 oz. Vodka
3/4 oz. Peach Schnapps
3/4 oz. Chambord
1 1/2 oz. Pineapple Juice
1 1/2 oz. Cranberry Juice
1 Egg White
Shake, serve up.
For those of you worried about the egg white, it doesn’t change the flavor; it just creates a nice white foam on the top (the “lacy” part). If you’re lazy or incompetent, just get a carton of egg whites and measure out about 1 1/4 ounces. Also, try not to die. Raw egg isn’t particularly safe.