Drive-By Masturbator Caught, Tazed, Possibly Into It

According to the Phoenix Sun Times, police arrested Bret Saltus for a number of crimes stemming from his alleged streak of drive-by masturbations. How did he get into this sticky situation? According to the article on the Times’ blog, “police say he’d pull over his truck, open the doors, and masturbate in front of children, before speeding away.”

Saltus was caught red handed when police investigating one incident followed his truck and caught him in the act on the side of the road. When police boxed his car in, he was unable to work his gear shift properly. As a result he backed into one detective’s car. He struggled as officers pulled him out of his car, but was eventually tazed and handcuffed. Sources are silent as to whether he is into that kind of thing.

The incident may lead to new talks on Arizona’s distracted driving law. Currently the state has only banned cell phone use for school bus drivers. But undoubtedly legislators will now worry about what drivers are doing with their hands, even if using bluetooth.

One can only speculate as to his defense. Certainly he won’t be able to call references from his church after the amount of time he spent beating the bishop. Will he try the Randy Marsh ecotplasm defense? Or will he try to win the jury’s sympathy by arguing that his inevitable blindness will be punishment enough? Saltus is looking at a possible sentence of 18 months on just one count of public sexual indecency.

No matter what the defense, this twisted pickle tickler will have to get pretty creative to abuse himself while wearing handcuffs. But at least we know Saltus will keep himself occupied in prison, instead of spending all day smoking cigarettes and eating ice cream sandwiches.

Read more from the Bitter Newsroom.

1 Comment

  1. Louis

    May 15, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    A guy needs to be careful what he decides to do with his wanker. Best to park it in a chick.

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