Father Knows Best


An argment over a batch of burnt biscuits led to a man placing a meat cleaver under his son’s neck and threatening to kill him. Harry A. Woods III, 43, has been booked for aggravated battery following the alleged attack on his 24-year-old son. According to police, Woods’ daughter placed the biscuits in the oven then departed for a friend’s house. Woods’ son, also named Harry, was to watch the biscuits that would later be used for biscuits and gravy. This apparently fell on deaf ears, as the baked goods were forgotten. Woods the elder began arguing with his son and smashed a platter over his son’s head. Moreover, since he was hungry he apparently bit the finger of his son. Then he turned to the meat cleaver.

I have a soft spot in my heart for baked goods. Rolls, biscuits, hushpuppies, fresh bread. A doughy accompaniment can truly make or break a meal. Carbs and I are BFFs. In fact, I generally don’t trust anyone on the Atkins diet. Thus, I understand where Woods is coming from. B&G is one of my favorite breakfasts, and burnt biscuits will take down the whole meal.

Nonetheless, how does one have an “argument about over-cooked biscuits?” Biscuits are either golden brown and delicious, or not. Nobody likes burnt biscuits. We aren’t talking about marshmallows (and people who like burnt marshmallows are weird). If you like your biscuits burnt, maybe you deserve a meat cleaver to the neck.

Mugshot from The Smoking Gun

It will be interesting to see how Woods’ attorney defends his client. What is really going to hurt Woods is the fact that he obviously ate some of the biscuits. It’s pretty clear that he’s hiding evidence in his cheeks. Seriously, look at those things—definitely two or three biscuits on each side. As for the younger Woods, grow up Peter Pan. You are 24-years-old. It’s time you learned how to cook the biscuits.

Selling Your Son on Facebook

Father/son spats aren’t limited to biscuits. Saud bin Nasser Al Shahry, a failed Saudi businessman came up with a unique idea to raise some capital to pay off his debts: sell his son. After being denied help from the government, Saud took to (of all places) Facebook for financial support. The price tag for his son: $20 million.

Unfortunately for Saud, Saudi Arabia considers child trafficking “illegal.” However, it may have been worth a shot since Saudi Arabia, according to the U.S. State Department, does not comply with minimum international standards regarding child trafficking. However, according to reports, Facebook would likely have denied such a sale (Zuckerberg would only allowed a two for one deal on the Winklevoss twins).

Apparently, Saud’s son was less than pleased when the posting came up on his news feed. However, if I was Saud’s son, I would be thrilled. Twenty mil? Talk about a confidence boost. Here in the U.S. I have heard of people trying to sell a kid for a crack rock and a burrito. Nothing says the acceptance of your father like a twenty million dollar “buy it now” link. Sure, you had to find out on Facebook that you will likely become a sex slave on a yacht, but I am sure he will do it the right way.  Probably start with an event. Maybe make a page like “If I get 1 million “Likes” I’ll sell my son!!!” Perhaps you will even get lucky and Brangelina or Madonna will want to buy a new kid.

Saud’s mistake: can’t just post it on your wall as a status update. Especially with the new timeline feature where you can’t find anything on someone’s page. Moreover, it always hurts when your life only gets four “Likes” and a comment from your sister about getting your room when you are gone and sold.

P.S. Obviously I don’t condone selling a child. As a lawyer, I should tell you that trafficking your child is illegal. If you try to sell a kid into slavery to a guy on a yacht I will call Liam Neeson to come in find you like he did in Taken. Moreover, if you are dumb enough to think that child trafficking is legal I hope you stop having children ASAP.

(Photo of biscuits from Shutterstock)

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

1 Comment

  1. Guano Dubango

    January 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    It is incredible that people complain about people from my home country, when this article highlights the wealth of material about white trash problems! My Aunt Ooona, being very upstanding, would never let me behave like these people!

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