Florida Man Argues “Finders Keepers” Defense


A Florida man is the victim of the greatest miscarriage of justice of all time. Michael Futerman, 57, ran off with $29 that a woman dropped on the floor of a Home Depot. Futerman picked up the money, refused to return it, yelled “finders keepers” and went to buy crack cocaine with the money.

Finders keepers is law. I don’t care what the Constitution says. Since when were the unwritten rules of the playground not enforced? I don’t want to live in that world. I want to be able to avoid cooties, have my life planned out by playing MASH and know every answer from a cootie catcher. The hierarchy of the world is playground law; bird law; then real law. Thus, if you drop money on the ground and Michael Futerman grabs it to buy crack then finders keepers. Maybe your mom should have bought you one of the sweet rubber change holders and you wouldn’t have lost your 29 bucks.

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