Four Hottest TV Legal Analysts

[Ed. Note: Also read our follow-up post “Four Coolest Male TV News Lawyers.”]

There are a lot of lawyers who have turned in their bar cards for jobs in the media. And let’s face it, if you were good-looking enough, you’d probably do it too. But while a lot of lawyers have the brains to be talking heads, few attorneys have the goods in the eye candy department.

That’s why we wanted to know which female lawyers-turned-TV-journalists were most capable of bringing the hotness. And after some taxing research, the establishment of some official criteria, and much contentious debate, we let the numbers do the talking and arrived at our top four.

Judging hotness isn’t easy. Fun, yes. Easy, no. But we came up with the following methodology.  Each candidate was awarded a score in six categories on a ten-point scale, for a total possible score of 60. If you don’t like our methodology, or didn’t find your favorite on the list, start your own damn website.

Law School: Most agree that looks and rank of law school are inversely proportional. Accordingly, the point delegation is as follows (according to U.S. Newscurrent rankings): T14 graduates are awarded 2 points; Tier-1 graduates of schools ranked 15-50 receive 4 points; Tier-2 graduates are awarded 6 points; TTT graduates get 8 points; Those from Tier-4 or ABA-unaccredited schools get a perfect 10.

Undergraduate Degree: Is a woman from Florida State hotter than a woman from Amherst? You better believe it. Undergraduate schools are a proxy for wildness.  Just ask Joe Francis; he never rolled the “Girls Gone Wild” bus into New Haven, which is why we’re awarding “party school” points.

Talking Head: Here we’re awarding points based on the candidate’s total value as a media property. Their background, their on-air persona as well as the kinds of assignments they take all factor into the total point score.

Company She Keeps: Successful, powerful men get hot chicks, so it’s only fair to judge these women by their romantic links. We’re awarding points based on their companions’ level of power and success.

Buzz: Hotness begets hotness. So we’re crowd sourcing this one and awarding points based on the quantity and quality of the general media hype surrounding the hottie.

Facial Symmetry: Scientists have weighed in on symmetry, and balanced proportions are the key to detecting hotness. So, we’ll be awarding points based how well the left matches the right. Let’s just say that Photoshop and the metric system are involved.  And our friends at Symmeter.com helped.  Lowball symmetry is 90, so we’re awarding a point per percent above 90, rounding up on .5 or higher.

________________________________

4.  Savannah Guthrie (MSNBC)

Law School: Georgetown University Law Center (Rank 14 = T14)

Score: 2

Undergrad: University of Arizona. Playboy ranked The University of Arizona as the #5 top party school in 2009, and Hef’s word is good enough for us.

Score: 9

Talking Head: After receiving the top score on the Arizona bar exam in 2002, Guthrie began her media career with Court TV after serving as an associate at Akin Gump. She now works for NBC and has this month was upped to chief White House correspondent. All of this bodes well for a career as a serious journalist, and Bitter Lawyer has no doubt that she’s an accomplished intellect, but absolutely nothing on her resume screams hottie, and that’s a damn shame.

Score: 5

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Company She Keeps: Guthrie is the second wife to English-born BBC presenter Mark Orchard, who she met covering the Michael Jackson trial. We don’t know much about him, but given the fascination most American women have with Brits, we’re willing to throw Guthrie a few extra points on the hottie scale.

Score: 6

Buzz: With more than seven-million Google results for Guthrie, there’s certainly a good amount of internet buzz about her. But little of it mentions her hotness. That’s surprising, given her girl-next-door good looks, but when it comes to dissecting hotness, the web doesn’t lie.

Score: 3

Facial Symmetry: 98.95384709384

Score: 9

Total Score: 34

________________________________

3.  Ann Coulter (AnnCoulter.com)

Law School: University of Michigan. (Rank 9 = T14)

Score: 2

Undergrad: Cornell. While some people say Cornell is one of the best party schools in the Ivy League, we feel confident in concluding that such a distinction is about as promising as being named the smartest lawyer…in North Dakota.

Score: 3

Talking Head: After clerking for a federal judge, working as a corporate lawyer and lending a hand to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Coulter’s first TV gig on MSNBC gives us a window into her hotness. According to a Time magazine article, Coulter was fired, not once, but twice from MSNBC in the ‘90s. Apparently, the network just couldn’t get enough of her, and the same can be said for audiences today who either love her, love to hate her, or hate that they kind of think she’s hot.

Score: 8

Company She Keeps: Coulter has never been married and isn’t known for dating the most powerful men, but there’s always a naughty factor to her relationships, which we like. According to Salon.com, she’s been linked to Spin Magazine founder Bob Guccione, Jr. (son of Penthouse founder Bob Guccione). And anyone who has seen Coulter on Real Time With Bill Maher knows there is a serious flirtation between Coulter and Maher. Plus, Coulter dated New York politician Andrew Stein. While Stein is a noted liberal, he told The New York Post that “opposites attract!” Hell, yeah they do, Andy. And there’s something hot about that kind of tension.  Also a half point for being single.

Score: 8.5

Buzz: There’s a lot of information out there about Coulter and her sexiness. Hell, Google spat back nearly three-million results when we asked about her. But we thought the most telling entry was when Gawker blogged about the fact that Coulter had been named Ms. September in the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute’s pinup calendar.  Bang!

Score: 8

Facial Symmetry: 95.56512044983359

Score: 6

Total Score: 35.5

________________________________

2.  Kimberly Guilfoyle (Fox News)

Law School: University of San Francisco Law School (Rank 98 = T2)

Score: 6

Undergrad: UC Davis. While Davis isn’t the best school in the country—or even in California—it isn’t a “party school” either. Davis doesn’t appear on any of the accredited party school lists. And then there’s this piece of sour news from the college kids: “Davis [does] not have the reputation for being [a] party school,” writes a poster. “[I]f you are looking for a [hard]core party school, I wouldn’t recommend going to Davis.” But it’s a state school nonetheless.

Score: 6

Talking Head: Starting her career as an ADA in the San Francisco District Attorney’s Office, she’s much more than a legal babe.  Sure, Fox News pays her to look good and take firm positions on hot topics, but the winning tidbit is this: It’s been widely reported that while in law school, Guilfoyle did modeling for Macy’s and Victoria’s Secret. ‘Nuff said.

Score: 9

Company She Keeps: Guilfoyle used to be married to San Francisco mayor, one of MSN’s sexiest man and rising political star, Gavin Newsom. She divorced Newsom and married Eric Villency, a wealthy businessman and CEO of contemporary furniture company Maurice Villency. But now it looks like Guilfoyle’s second marriage is coming to an end. We’ll award her nine points for bagging two powerful dudes, and a half point because she’s practically single.

Score: 9.5

Buzz: Appreciated for her tongue action, it’s worth noting that a website called “Foxy Guilfoyle” exists.  Also, Guilfoyle received a prominent mention in the acknowledgments of The ABS Diet: 6-Minute Meals for 6-Pack ABS book. We’re not sure why, but we’re pretty sure that a publisher selling a fitness book would be quick to excise celebrities who weren’t up to snuff.

Score: 8

Facial Symmetry: 94.99021278086141

Score: 5

Total Score: 43.5

________________________________

1.  Megyn Kelly (Fox News)

Law School: Albany Law School (Rank Tier 3 = TTT)

Score: 8

Undergrad: Syracuse University. Collegeprowler.com gives the Orange nightlife a B-, but it still gets a few write-ups for having some action. Frankly, Syracuse seems kind of lame for a D1 school.

Score: 6

Talking Head: A litigation associate at Jones Days in D.C., Kelly broke into journalism and rose quickly.  She’s done her fair share of local and national reporting for Fox News but hasn’t managed to get beyond the legal stories. She’s covered notable events like the indictment of Scooter Libby and the confirmation hearings of Samuel Alito, John Roberts, and even had a lookalike dress-up day during Judge Sotomayor’s confirmation hearings.  Fox knows the more they play up her legal background, the less hot she is, so sometimes she’s just an everyday, girl-fighting cheerleader.

Score: 7

Company She Keeps: Kelly has been divorced once, but there’s little information on her first husband. She then got remarried to her current hubby, Douglas Brunt, CEO of Authentium, a high-level internet security company. Normally, that wouldn’t get you very far on the hotness front, but in the digital age, computer geeks get some of the best babes.

Score: 7

Buzz: It’s Megyn with a “y,” and she has an f/k/a of Megyn Kendall, which is definitely hot. Then we’re going straight to the videotape. Exhibit A: One rather creepy clip collection of Kelly’s work on Fox.

Score: 9

Facial Symmetry: 97.26734048651092

Score: 7

Total Score: 44

Congrats to Ms. Kelly.

Read “Four Coolest Male TV News Lawyers.”

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Bitter Staff is a collection of current and former editors, contributors, and various other lawyers who have written for Bitter Lawyer over the years. Posts include interviews, contests, and other general lawyerly and bitter content.

37 Comments

  1. BL1Y

    August 21, 2009 at 5:52 am

    Ann Coulter was seriously a choice?  Facial symmetry doesn’t mean shit with both halves of your face are ugly.  Now we just know that they’re 95% ugly in the same way.  Whoopee.

  2. KateLaw

    August 21, 2009 at 6:07 am

    This post is silly.  Entertaining, but about the same caliber of something you’d expect to read in Us Weekly.  Im ready for the male legal analyst ranking now… Oh wow, I think I just channeled Alma.  However, I forgot to mention how good looking I am (from 30 feet away of course).

  3. Craig

    August 21, 2009 at 6:30 am

    Those were some odd hotness categories.  They were original though. Either way, any system that would not put that Kimberly girl number one is extremely flawed.  She has everyone beat by a mile.

  4. BL1Y

    August 21, 2009 at 6:44 am

    KateLaw: Did you ever know that you’re my hero?

  5. midwestern L

    August 21, 2009 at 6:59 am

    Kate I bet your are a bathtub reader of the Enquirer.  Lighten up on the ladies.  Ms Kelly is hot and she sure can talk fast.

  6. Lawyer Bob

    August 21, 2009 at 7:08 am

    craig, I disagree. I prefer Megyn. She’s the winner in my book for two reasons. I1) Gentleman prefer blondes. 2) Any chick with a weird spelling for a common name is always hot.

  7. Craig

    August 21, 2009 at 7:15 am

    Lawyer Bob, I will give you the odd spelling name thing, although I’m not really sure how that makes a difference when it really matters.  As to the blond thing, while my last serious girlfriend was blond, I tend to prefer Brunettes. Not every man prefers blond.

  8. Dyno

    August 21, 2009 at 7:18 am

    BL1Y, Ann takes that face to the bank every week depositing money from Tv, blog, Book sales, etc.  We all should be so ugly.  She is a little sexy in a older way

  9. KateLaw

    August 21, 2009 at 7:21 am

    Ha, I don’t think I should be anyone’s hero, BL1Y.  As for Midwestern L, I’ve never read the Enquirer, but I have been known to pick up a copy of Us Weekly from time to time… there’s nothing quite like a completely mindless read that leaves you feeling a bit dumber but oddly satisfied.  I am not giving the article a hard time because of the ladies in it; I support all intelligent and attractive/hot women.

  10. Lawyer Bob

    August 21, 2009 at 7:22 am

    Fair point. The real winners are redheads, actually. But this is kind of a small pool to go fishing in for that.

  11. Anon

    August 21, 2009 at 7:28 am

    Coulter’s got the hottest body by a mile!

  12. BL1Y

    August 21, 2009 at 7:30 am

    Ann Coulter walks into a bar and the bar tender says “Why the long face?”

  13. Anonymous

    August 21, 2009 at 7:52 am

    funny, bl1y. to me she has a horse face. but there’s something about her that makes me want her. sex with her would be dirty and wrong, but that’s why she’s kind of hot. these are weird criteria, but i think they get at some of the x-factors that make someone hot, beyond the obvious superficial things.

  14. Guano Dubango

    August 21, 2009 at 8:26 am

    I think I could marry any of these 4.  How many of them, however, would be interested in me? I do have an LLM from Georgetown.  They all have big earning capacity.  Would they bear me children?  I hope so, I cannot wait to ask them.  I think it is nice that BL1Y is getting together with KateLaw, but wonder why KateLaw did not want me?

  15. Guano Dubango

    August 21, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Now I am torn.  Savannah went to my law school, which should give me a gazelle’s leg up, but the other ones would be more likely to return to the hill country with me.  The most beautiful is from Albany Law, but where in the veldt is that?  Someone please help me get introductions to these women.  KateLaw, you seem to know everyone.  Please.

  16. KateLaw

    August 21, 2009 at 8:50 am

    Ha, a gazelle’s leg up.  That’s funny.

  17. Speedman

    August 21, 2009 at 9:45 am

    nice piece.

  18. Grey

    August 21, 2009 at 11:29 am

    Great piece for a Fri

  19. Anonymous

    August 21, 2009 at 11:34 am

    wouldn’t kick any of these ladies out of bed.

  20. Lawstudent22

    August 21, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Great piece. All are very smart and pretty ladies.

  21. Coulter Fan

    August 21, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Hate her politics, but let’s face it, she’s hot.

  22. Alma Federer

    August 21, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Why is it that men can’t judge us for our minds, not just our bodies?  I am as pretty as any of these women, but I do not have to flaunt it.  But what really gets me ticked is that the slovenly men commenting on this website will do US a favor by not kicking us out of bed?  What is that about?  What makes you pimply faced losers think we want to be in bed with you?  Even some of the women have snickered at me just because I am good looking.  I do look like Charleze Thereon, and that’s more than any of these 4 talking heads do.  I want men to think of me only for my mind.  At my firm, the men do look at me as a sex object, but the managing partner respects me for my legal skills.  That is the way it should be.

  23. Grey

    August 21, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    Read today’s “Bitter News” and see how you all can get a date and maybe get real lucky.

  24. BL1Y

    August 22, 2009 at 11:20 am

    First, Alma, judging someone for their innate intellectual gifts is just as shallow as judging them for their innate physical gifts.  There’s nothing morally superior about changing which genetic lottery you value.  And the reason we can gift women with not kicking them out of bed is the basics of physical attraction.  Men can go a week without shaving, throw on dirty clothes, have bad case of gas and still get laid.  Women can spend hours obsessing over clothes, hair and make-up and not even turn a head.

  25. Alma Federer

    August 22, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    No, BL1Y, at least not by me and by other girls who have some virtue.  Do you seriously think I would sleep with a man who hasn’t shaved, has gas, and looks like a mess?  Not a chance.  I also want a relationship, not some slob who is going to pant and sweat all over me, then burp or fart and walk away.  I do not want to have that kind of mess in my bed.  I think you just say these things to get me mad.  What is wrong with wanting a clean guy who respects me for my mind, and who will treat me right?  Why do you intimate that any male pig can get sex from us women?  We are far more moral than you think.  Maybe some of the younger women have less morals than me, but I don’t think so.  I am far too valuable a package to be humped and dumped by guys like you.

  26. Craig

    August 22, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    I think the Alma character has improved of late.  That last post actually made me laugh.

  27. Alma Federer

    August 22, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Craig, I am not a character. That sounds like a cartoon. I am a successful female lawyer, with a good job, and nice apartment in NYC and believe I can have it all, eventually, once I find a man to share my life.  All I ask is that I be taken seriously for what I bring to the table, which, to date, has been derided by all of the juvenile men on this site.  I have some pretty high standards and morals.  This tends to turn men off who, like BL1Y, seem to prefer a no-strings attached sexual liaisons.  Au contraire, I will only engage in this activity when I am sure I have a committed relationship.  I know too many girls who give in when they THINK they have a guy, and sure enough, once they’ve given in, the man bolts.  That won’t be me.  While I may not be as “experienced” as some of BL1Y’s conquests, I can assure you, the 2 men that have had me sexually still pine for me and call me even though we have both moved on with our lives.  If they could do it all over again, they both say they would have married me, but I am a lawyer now, and have graduated from them, and we no longer are the college level people we were 6 years ago.  I don’t regret having sex that did not lead to marriage, since those 2 guys did not grow, as I did when I became a lawyer.  But now that I am a lawyer I have a lifestyle to maintain, and that means finding a guy who can support me, particularly when I become a mother and will take care of our kids.  So there you have it, Craig.  If you consider yourself eligible, please let me know why.  Otherwise, you may move along.

  28. Midwestern L

    August 22, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    seriously Alma go to Bitter News on this site.  they tell you about a site to find partners for lawyers.  The gal down the hall apt found her heart md over the Jewish internet date system

  29. BL1Y

    August 22, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Craig: I agree.  She had a slump a few weeks back and had made the character too over the top to be believable.  Now we’re back into the land where willful suspension of disbelief is possible.  And Alma, I actually happen to still be good friends with exBL1YGF still, and she’s been really great in helping me deal with TBFO, so please, just shut your man-displeaser already.  There’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex and not liking self-important, delusional, prideful shrews.  And seriously, “hot from 30 feet” is not a compliment.

  30. Hannah Palindrome

    August 22, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    Ann Coulter is NOT hot.

    She needs to take that pole out of her ass.

  31. Alma Federer

    August 23, 2009 at 5:17 am

    Hannah is right.  Ann Coulter is not pretty, but to guys on this site she is because she has money. Thank you Midwestern Lawyer, but as you can see from this site, finding a normal male lawyer is well near impossible.  BL1Y typifies the young, male lawyer, interested merely in dipping his beak (and weenie) for a moment, only to move on like a bee polinating many flowers.  That will not include me.  And by the way, BL1Y, the reference to Charleze @ 30 feet was true, but I am still as pretty face to face–the only difference is that people can’t tell the difference @30 feet, but can when they come closer.  That is why so many men leer at me with impure intentions on their minds.

  32. Craig

    August 23, 2009 at 6:55 am

    I may be too young for what you are looking for Alma.  I am 23 and in my third year of law school.  I am definitely not looking to marry yet.  And I am definitely not looking to get involved with anonymous (made-up) people on internet message boards.  But I appreciate the offer.

  33. Guano Dubango

    August 23, 2009 at 11:36 am

    I still will consider with mating with any of these 4 women.  Can you tell me if any are available and interested?

  34. Hannah Palindrome

    August 24, 2009 at 5:08 am

    Craig-DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL YOU’RE 35 OR OLDER!!! Have fun in your 20’s. It’s all over when you get married.

  35. Zen

    August 24, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    I agree. wait atleast until 35. good advice.

  36. Fakeadmin

    August 31, 2009 at 5:33 am

    Apologies, we have just noticed a mistake in Alma Federer’s post posted Aug 21 at 6.05pm, where a few critical words were deleted by an unfortunate mistake. The sentence starting “I do look like Charleze Theron…” should be completed by adding “…in the movie Monster”. Apologies for the mistake which is bound to have caused some confusion…

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