Hot-N-Ready, and a Forced Motorboating


A 12-year-old Indiana boy was arrested after stealing $20 from a neighbor, then joy ridding his mom’s Taurus to the park and on a pizza run. According to police, the boy took two younger passengers to the park to show “where he plays baseball.” He then drove about three miles to Little Caesars where he bought some Za with the stolen $20 bill. Oh, he also led cops on a chase that included striking another car and leaving his passengers with injuries.

What an injustice. No, I am not talking about the kid.

If you are a 12-year-old that can’t drive to the park, then to the pizza place, then back home with no problems, then you should be arrested. Maybe a little less Grand Theft Auto and a little more Mario Kart. More importantly, Little Caesars doesn’t deliver? How is that possible? Who, with the ability to drive, would choose to get Little Caesars for their pizza? I’ll give this kid the benefit of the doubt because I picture him as some chubby kid who is going to slam four of their $5 pizzas, but your business cannot surivive on 12-year-olds who steal their parent’s car. Bad business model. Simply weird.

Sidenote: I am not talking about their crazy bread. That stuff is straight fire — Pizza Pizza-fire.

A Galveston, Texas, constable has been accused by a former deputy of a “forced motorboating.” Pam Matranga is accused for multiple inappropriate and crude acts by James Gist in a sexual harassment lawsuit. Allegedly, Matranga stated Gist should attend a local strip club for “Chunky Chick Night” where she would be able to perform for him. She compounded this mental nightmare with a faux lap dance including “making gyrating motions with her hips.” There was also mention of a box of cigarettes in between the constable’s legs. Her coup de grâce was when she allegedly pulled her blouse over Gist’s head and pressed her breast against the “victim’s” face.

James Gist, you motorboatin’ son of a bitch. You old sailor you. I get the workplace being a little awkward when your boss is trying to get your billy club, but this is Texas. Do they even have sexual harassment laws in Texas? Seriously though, a hot older woman allegedly made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl. Sure Constable Matranga might not be the best looking belle at the ball but everyone knows fat chicks try harder. And this Paula Deen/Jay Leno mashup is like the Rudy of the sex game. Absolutely will rock your socks off.

Seventy-one-year-old Joan Nisbet is facing eviction from her home after a making her neighbors’ lives a “living hell.” The senior citizen sprayed weed killer in a woman’s face, blared gangster rap, and took part in naked sex acts outside in the garden. The Croydon Council has applied to place a closure order on her house, a procedure normally used for shutting down drug dens.

Good luck with that, Croydon. You do know that old people are the epitome of not giving a shit? No matter if they are walking around the gym locker room hanging brain, driving 20 mph at all times, or using ‘Colored’ in casual conversation, they do what they want. Lady is 71-years-old—absolutely no chance she gives up her house. Old people defend their home like King Leonidas and the 300. Let her have her Dr. Dre and cats for 3-5 more years then she will stop . . . mainly because she will probably be dead.

P.S. I can only picture this lady and her boyfriend in the garden is like Roger and Virginia Clarvin in the Lov-ahs SNL sketch. Just getting after it like they are in the ha-tub eating spiced meats at the Welshly Arms Hotel. Methinks it was the finest love-making that the world have ever known.

Pizza image from Flickr.com: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mastermaq/2504712932
Image of Pam Matranga from http://galvestoncountygop.org

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

3 Comments

  1. Patent Litigator

    May 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    Whoa !!! Constable Matranga is certainly a handful. This James Gist is one freaking wuss. I say bring it on.

  2. Ms. Jackson

    May 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    The real question is whether the gangsta rap was playing during the sexual activity… Because two septuagenarians banging it out to ‘Fuck tha Police’ would be something worth seeing.

  3. Guano Dubango

    May 9, 2012 at 8:26 am

    I can only imagine the odour! As my friend, Morris says: Oy!

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