How to Name a Law Firm

So you have decided to live the dream and hang your own shingle. You and some of your best colleagues are opening your own firm. Even though you trust these people enough to open a practice with them, one big issue stands between you and the launch of a successful law firm: picking the order of the partners’ names.

You could take the coward’s way out and go alphabetical, or subject yourself to hours of arguing over what “sounds best” (hint: everyone thinks the one with their name first sounds best). Or you could use any one of these awesome heuristics:

First Blood Water Gun Battle

If you’ve never shed blood in a water gun shootout, you’re not playing hard enough. Get the partners together in a combat-friendly arena, arm everyone with a high-capacity water propulsion weapon, and fight. First lawyer who makes another partner bleed through brutal H20 combat gets naming rights.

Pogs

Write the partners’ names on ten pogs each. Each partner takes turns throwing a slammer onto the full stack. The partner whose name lands face-up the most wins naming rights. The partner whose name lands face-up the least gets the consolation prize of keeping all the pogs.

Develop a Name-Ordering Artificial Intelligence

The only way to farm out the “what sounds best” argument is to use a neutral third-party. It might sound like a lot of coding work, but keep in mind that licensing out Name-bot 3000 may end up making more money than your lousy DUI-defense firm ever does.

Order by Degree of Jewishness

In case it is not obvious: choosing whether you go most-to-least Jewish or least-to-most Jewish should depend on the demographics of your firm’s client market.

Legal Pentathlon

Five events, one champion:

  • Ambulance Chasing
  • Off-the-cuff Case Citing
  • Day Drinking
  • Billable Hour Padding
  • Closing Statements

May the odds be ever in your favor.

(photo: professional young man holding business card via Shutterstock)

Robin Hitchcock is an American writer living in Cape Town, South Africa. She is an inactive member of the bar which makes her much less bitter than working lawyers. Robin writes sketch comedy for the Pittsburgh-based all-female troupe Frankly Scarlett and performs improv comedy with Cape Town's The Long Shots. Robin is also a staff writer for the feminist media criticism site Bitch Flicks. You can find more of her writing at her blog, tumblr, and Twitter.

1 Comment

  1. Joseph P. Head

    June 10, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I was going to become a partner with a cute woman, but her last name is Pecker, and she wanted her name to go first. My name is Head.

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