How to Tell You’re an Unacceptable Attention-Whore Based on Your Facebook Habits

The fact that I no longer have a Facebook account means that I’m swimming against the tide when it comes to the popularity and pervasiveness of social networking. Clearly Facebook isn’t going anywhere, and all the signs seem to be pointing to an ongoing, steady increase in usage. So I thought it might be useful to provide a little guidance to the multitudes who still insist on parading each and every detail of their mundane lives on Facebook.

The following list contains things you must avoid posting on Facebook, both for your own sake and for the sake of humankind as a whole. Or, to put it another way, if you post any of the following things on Facebook, you’re a delusional, idiotic, desperate, attention-whore and completely lacking in self-awareness.

1. Mobile uploading pics of your new shoes, handbag, or the birthday present and/or flowers that your boyfriend sent you. Publicly showing off material things is so utterly ridiculous that it doesn’t even require further comment. Yes, this also applies to pictures of your engagement ring. And your new house.

2. Your entire wedding album. What’s the point? So the 283 Facebook “friends” that weren’t important enough to be invited to your wedding can see what they missed out on?

3. Sonogram images. For god’s sake—is nothing private and sacred anymore? Why are you publicly displaying the contents of your womb to hundreds of people? What is lacking in your life that you’re compelled to share such a thing?

4. Mobile uploading pics of the view from your window and/or of your hotel room when you’re on a vacation. See also No. 1, above.

5. Status updates pertaining to the bike ride, hike, or jog that you’re on. For the love of God, you’re outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine, ostensibly getting some exercise. Couldn’t you just put your phone away, detach yourself from Facebook, and actually be present and connected with the real, outside world for a few freaking minutes?

6. Complaining about how sore you are from a workout. What do you want, a medal? Are you exercising for your own health and well-being, or do you only do it so you can tell other people about it?

7. Mobile uploading pics of alcoholic beverages that you’re drinking. Come on—are you in high school? Do you seriously think you’re imparting anything of value about yourself with this crap?

8. Posting pictures of anything that actually belongs in a personal, family photo album. This includes, without limitation, pictures depicting your progressing pregnancy and/or post-delivery photos taken in a hospital delivery room. These used to be intimate, private moments, and absurd Facebook habits have now cheapened them to the point that 146 people can now click through your afterbirth shots while finishing their morning coffee in their cubicle at the office.

9. Congratulating another person in a status update. I don’t get the angle—couldn’t you just send a card or email directly to the person? Why do you need to put it on blast to an extra 372 people?

10. Constantly mobile uploading pics of your kid(s) throughout the day. At what point is your kid going to start to suspect that the only thing they’re good for is getting attention for Mommy and/or Daddy on the web?

Post image from Shutterstock.com

Law Firm 10 may lack the dazzling, magnetic charisma of a girl from the hottest sorority in school, but she (arguably) makes up for that with her wit, humor, and low-maintenance-ness. Read more from Law Firm 10.

30 Comments

  1. Michael Sloan

    May 16, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Bravo! This post should win an award! I deleted my Facebook as well. It’s ridiculous!

  2. Chipper

    May 16, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Worst article ever. It should be re-titled: “How to Tell You’re an Unacceptable Attention-Whore Based on Your Article-Writing Habits” because you think anyone gives a crap about your personal rant against social media and networking. The cure: build a time machine and go back to the 1950’s when it was nearly 60 years out before Facebook was invented. Facebook has changed social networking forever. Get over it.

    • Tara Bryan

      May 16, 2012 at 9:27 am

      I agree with Chipper. It is what it is…and I enjoy looking at people posts, whether they enjoy looking at mine. It has changed the way we communicate forever. I would rather view a wedding album on FB, rather than go to someone’s house and have to endure commentary during the whole process. IMHO.

      • Lewis

        May 16, 2012 at 10:55 am

        Totally agree that it is easier to view someone’s wedding album in the privacy of my own home without the commentary about each and every picture. Also, it’s less time consuming!

    • Bryan

      May 16, 2012 at 10:17 am

      Wow Chipper, randomly angry much? Facebook is 5% “keeping in touch” and 95% narcissism at this point. It leads to depression, and decreased social contact among heavy users. And a hearty LOL at “Facebook has changed social networking forever.” I believe the folks over at Myspace were thinking the same thing not too long ago. Have fun on Facebook, I’ll be hiking with a friend this evening after work. And not posting it.

    • Guano Dubango

      May 16, 2012 at 10:48 am

      I respectfully disagree. LF10 is I believe still attractive, and even though she may not be as fertile as she was 10 years ago, she still may be worth listening to for the time being. Therefore, unless and until I receive conclusive confirmatory evidence that she is an overweight infertile bovine, I will continue to read her posts and to believe that she is an attractive and fertile female lawyer with a decent personality , a commodity that is becoming all too rare these days in the profession. My Aunt Ooona has even become interested in learning more about her!

      • Isabel

        May 16, 2012 at 10:26 pm

        Wait, what? How did her fertility get involved here?

        • EllaElla

          May 19, 2012 at 8:10 am

          Don’t feed the (painfully unfunny) troll.

  3. Lewis

    May 16, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I thought the whole purpose of Facebook was to let people into your lives that are not around the corner from you and to reconnect with old friends. I am guilty of five of these but I don’t do it to get attention. Sounds like the author just couldn’t get in swing of social networking.

  4. Klaus Extruder

    May 16, 2012 at 10:53 am

    “Why Angry Misanthropes Should Avoid Facebook, and Humans in General”

  5. Jay

    May 16, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Clearly Chipper has seen himself in this article, hence the defensiveness. It IS ridiculous to post your every activity on Facebook. If something important happens, or you have something clever to share, go for it. But to post your every move or pictures of a gift, or a drink – stop. No one cares. I think the worst is when people post a picture of what they made for dinner. WHO CARES?! Just eat it. I don’t need to know. Thanks.

    • EllaElla

      May 19, 2012 at 8:17 am

      Agreed, but the author of this piece doesn’t actually agree with you. Having a baby and getting married are some of the most important events in a person’s life!

      • Ellen

        May 20, 2012 at 8:47 pm

        I AGREE! I want to get MARRIED and have a baby, but the men just want to have me for sex only. FOOEY!

        • Renevere

          February 18, 2013 at 1:35 pm

          The men only want you for the sex. You’re kidding me right?

  6. Sion Buckler

    May 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I definitely posses ‘Unacceptable Attention-Whore’ habits, and I don’t smoke or drink which adds me to the category of ‘people who aren’t helping the over population problem by living longer’ :) – I recently answered a question about the EU’s Data Protection Directive 95/46/EC in response to a pioneering technology I submitted into Cisco’s British Innovation Award (it’s called ‘Social WiFi Access’). It made me think about privacy, where it comes from and why it exists ? These types of questions help me devise chronic sustainable views. For Christians the fig leaf story is the origins of privacy. Adam and Eve covered themselves up after they ate from the Apple tree, it goes down hill for them after that. My conclusion is: privacy is a satanic social mechanism to create divide between people, it’s an illusion of control that evidently makes you susceptible to being controlled. Let me explain; There’s two key ways of dissecting individuals actions, those of network thinker and those of institutional thinker. (I’m a bit of both between leaving jnr management in the MOD to become an internet based entrepreneur). Network thinkers are inherently open with, and supportive of, everyone around them. Whereas institutions encourage us to be closed-off and controlling. If you’re from the legal system then it would be fair to say you’re likely an institutional thinker (as I once was). This might explain the frustrations that arises when you’re bombarded with your networks trivial blurb on social networking sites that you can’t control or relate to very little. It provokes a reaction in you that is inevitable of an institutional thinker. (e.g – like looking down your nose in disgust or shoulder dusting). Leaving Facebook in hast is one thing, campaigning with this blog post is another. What I’ve learnt from the EU’s actions with my research was that they’re only giving us better privacy controls (with the Data Protection Directive and the US-EU Safe Harbor programme) because it deludes us into thinking we’re in control (e.g the right to be forgotten online). What’s really going on is an attempt to force feed us a social mechanism (that we’ve started to reject because we’re developing a network paradigm). They’re doing this in order to shift power away from the threat of unregulated communities (such as those forming around major websites) and back to segregated society that is easier to control. I honestly believe there’s a cyber war beginning between a society who’ve become confident enough to refuse the ‘corrupt-monetary society’ and the existing society that’s trying to avoid further discreditation, coup-attempts and chaos. Each side is a threat to each other so there’s a lot of heat, but I believe that network and institutional thinkers are both approaching this all wrong. The rivalry is unnecessary because both sides are in agreement that the problem with our monetary system is irreversible and there’s no alternative society established or attractive enough to migrate to. We’re definitely all in a predicament. Getting out of it needs to be the area of focus, development and direction for both mindsets moving forward. The questions are what side are you on and what will you do next ? Regardless of your views, surely you should direct your energy and talents towards reducing risk and providing solutions, as oppose to just attacking the other side who bare equal blame. I’m not stabbing your article because it’s genius and comical, but there’s a depth to the point it makes that should be explored.

  7. Craig

    May 16, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Great article. Funny stuff

  8. southern bitter

    May 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    agreed. i’m sick of baby pictures in particular. when did your kid’s first burp become worthy of my time.

  9. Sam

    May 16, 2012 at 5:30 pm

    This guy is out of touch and maybe a bit dense (and maybe related to Rush Limbaugh?). What’s so hard to understand about congratulating someone on Facebook? There is a spectrum in communication media ranging from in-person and phone calls to Facebook posts and text messages. Depending on your relationship with a given person, some media are more appropriate than others. This was the first thing I read on Bitter Lawyer and I doubt I’ll be coming back. Who needs to hear another bitter lawyer yap anyway?

  10. SnarkyAtLaw

    May 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Does this apply to Twitter as well? Because if so, I’m screwed.

    • M (@actionflikchick)

      May 16, 2012 at 6:30 pm

      I am soooo f’ed because I have done every single one of those – except instead of kid, write in dog and/or godson. Oh well, according to the article you’re an attention-whore if you post anything at all to FB so, whatevs.

  11. So Bored With Facebook

    May 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    Um, bitter, why would you know what’s going on on Facebook? Just saying….

  12. Chipper

    May 16, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    Actually, Bryan, no, I don’t do these annoying posting habits. I double-checked. I don’t blast my personal political views either, which should have been included in this article. But I do expect that Bitter Lawyer at least be mildly amusing. I don’t comment much, but I get downright sick of people’s rants. Especially when I wasted my time to read it.

  13. Evil Lawyer

    May 17, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Like women who just want to have fun, Facebook fades after age 30. Its occasionally used by women too old for it, just like shorts and tight pants.

    I am more interested in LF10’s observations on law practice, dating and sex in general: she always inspires more comments with those (hint).

    • Frank

      May 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

      She sounds bangable to me!

  14. Nishin

    May 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    Dear God this is so true. As a fellow ex-Facebook user, I will tell you that since the breakup (with Facebook) these things bother me so much more than they ever did. Especially now that I’m hearing about them from people who still use Facebook. ESPECIALLY #1 (and in that regard, #4, too).

  15. BRUNO

    June 4, 2012 at 12:28 am

    In all honesty, having spent the vast majority of my first 35 years as an antisocial misfit and certainly not having a FaceBook account, when I finally did open up this FaceBook account and reconnected with all of my past friends and family, and started to connect with new ones, it was because I finally found the peace and contentedness I had been looking for my entire life, and I was ready to do it. Ever since FaceBook has provided me with countless thousands of hours of joy, reflection, smiles, laughs, and beautiful emotions which has helped me to celebtrate both mine and my loved ones’ lives, each and every single day. The wises among us all have FaceBook accounts, the shady antisocial sociopathic miscreants avoid it like the plague. To me its a sign of mental and psychological health, confidence, and being at peace with oneself, to not have one makes me not want to trust you.

  16. Austin

    September 9, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    Well Bruno, I’d say you just completely proved what a sociopathic miscreant you are :) read what you typed out a little closer and think like an intelligent human being. Please repost more of a rational response. Sadly your post is the only reason I’m replying. Your a sad human spending “thousands” of joyous hours staring into the beautiful human eyes of your led/LCD screen. How bout you crawl out of your unibomber costume and go to some sort of actual social outing.

  17. Renevere

    February 18, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    I see someone who wasn’t able to get into the social networking clique, if there is one. This was all made out of jealousy, annoyed that they didn’t have anything interesting to share on their own page. All jealousy as far as I see.

  18. Chris

    April 26, 2013 at 1:50 pm

    I get what the author’s point. If you’re posting your everyday events to FB, it gets old quick.

    Leave them wanting more.

    I was the guy who always posted smart ass replies… but that gets old too. We’ve over saturated FB.

    I have family who constantly posts each day. He can’t quit. He’s admitted he has a problem. I got him to quit for 5 days. He said it was harder than quitting smoking.

    Now he’s back to 2 packs a day- well in Facebook terms.

  19. J.D.

    August 25, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    You forgot to mention the people who pretend to be sweethearts just to get attention from the opposite sex. Constantly posting bogus, cheesy-ass compliments on every single photo and status, knowing damn well they would never say it in real life. What’s worse is that some people are so damn stupid and gullible that they actually believe what this total stranger is saying to them.

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