I Did Coke and Slept with a Paralegal


QI’m a fourth year, and last week I hooked up with this paralegal.  It was a total one-nighter kind of thing.  And we also might have snorted a little something. Not to mention, I have a girlfriend who lives in another city.  I’m freaking out that she might report me to firm management or tell other people in the firm what we did.  What should I do?

AFirst thing to do is relax. (You’re not the first man in this position: I’m Sexing a Paralegal) When the time is right—i.e., today—hang out with your paralegal pal and casually let her know it was a one-and-done kind of thing. But be cool. Make her think it’s her decision. Let her think she’s blowing you off. Talk about how conflicted and depressed you are, that you hate your job, etc… Say things like, “I’m just in a really weird place right now” or “Now’s not a good time for me to be in a ‘complicated’ relationship.” Remember that word. Complicated. Keep using it.

As for the drug thing, just deny it. You never did coke with a paralegal. Got it?  Never happened. Unless she has surveillance cameras in her bedroom, she can never prove it. So leave it at that. But lay off the blow nonetheless. Not a great rap for an attorney. Kind of lame. And very 1987. Being lonely and miserable is no excuse. Just ask Gordon Gecko himself; “If you need a friend, get a dog.”

Ex-Bitter is a former big firm lawyer who now doles out advice to anyone who asks. Got a question? Email it to advice@bitterlawyer.com. Or read more Advice from an Ex-Bitter.

15 Comments

  1. Al Dickman

    November 24, 2008 at 4:57 am

    You’re a douche bag, and you’d better look out. How many times were you told not to dip your wick in the company’s inkwell?  And you ignored it, for what?  For a sweaty smelly roll in the hay with a skank who can’t wait to clamp her crotch around a real-life 6 $figured employed lawyer!  Wait till she tells her 60 year old divorced mom that she’s found a new meal ticket.  And as for your girlfriend in another city, I wouldn’t worry about think ing she’s longing for you like Rapunzel, pure virgin up in the tower waiting to let her hair down for you.  I don’t want to be the one to break the news to you, but when she got a Brazilian Wax, it was for the purpose of humping someone else.  So get used to your new girlfriend.  Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey!

  2. Pacific Reporter

    November 24, 2008 at 6:33 am

    Guys at my high school used to do coke and fuck their coed co-workers all the time. It was no big deal.

  3. Anonymous

    November 24, 2008 at 6:57 am

    Gonna have to agree with Pacific Reporter.  No one cares.  I’ve hooked up with two different associates at my firm (which has <200 people in this office) and haven’t even been here a year.  And, I don’t even have the record.  This shit is way more common than you think.
    Plus, it’s harder to lose a sexual harassment suit with someone you’ve hooked up with.  Courts are usually more forgiving when there’s a failed relationship; assumption of the risk, I guess.

  4. anon

    November 24, 2008 at 7:20 am

    I agree it is no big deal—unless you make it one.  As a female—I can tell you that we can spot this “complicated” shit a mile away, and it only pisses us off.  Be a man—don’t ignore her, but do us all a favor and don’t go into some rambling explanation at work about how you hate your job, your girlfriend and you had a fight, blah blah blah blah!! I’m so sure she wants to talk to you about work about her coke filled sex romp with you… Just leave it alone, she’s a big girl—don’t be a douche

  5. Alex Hump

    November 24, 2008 at 7:43 am

    It’s not a big deal unless the paralegal starts nuzzling up to this dip-shit, thinking because she gave him her twat, that she now has him by the balls.  I agree with Anon, below, that the fancy story line is a pile of BS, but from the paralegal’s perspective, she now has laid a valid claim to him which she may not want to easily release.  Put another way, this guy should have thought twice before porking this babe.

  6. EX-ASSOCIATE

    November 24, 2008 at 9:24 am

    The only thing you should worry about her disclosing at the firm is if you have substandard equipment or technique—or both.

  7. Nigel Bruce

    November 24, 2008 at 11:03 am

    And if she does, you should fight back by saying that you’d have been better and more focused but for the terrible odour!

  8. Anonymous

    November 24, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    Dummy, Stay away from the Cocaine.  It can kill you, then you won’t need to worry about the whore.  For now, though, screw her.  The worst you can get from that whore is an STD.  After all, no one forced her into the sack with you, and as long as you used protection, you won’t be facing a paternity claim.  No need to give her a dopey excuse either.  Tell her you were drunk and that you have a girlfriend.  If she gets uppity, just tell her she is not as attractive in full daylight and without 6-7 beers in your gut.  That oughta send her packing, and teach her that the way to your heart is not through her vagina.

  9. Anonymous

    November 24, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    Why would a paralegal be dying to “trap” this guy anyway?  Has it occurred to anyone that she also just wanted a one night stand with this guy–just because he was, in that coke-haze, attractive to her?  Let’s give a bit more credit to the paralegal–most probably don’t find pasty cokehead lawyers all that hot anyway!

  10. Anonymous

    November 24, 2008 at 3:09 pm

    Simple.  Because she is a paralegal, making between $25-45K with limited prospects, and because he is a 4th year associate, making upwards of $200K and with partnership prospects (if he is any good).  Even if he is a pasty-faced associate, if she marries that, she will be all set, rather than become an aging paralegal with ever diminishing prospects.  In a few years, even the old ball-sacs at the firm won’t look at her twice, and unless she’s really proficient (not likely for whose talents are limited to snorting coke and sucking cock), her best bet is to hook this dork who can’t see past the end of his dick.  So in reality, it is a one way street.  She may be interested in sex, but with strings this dork is now realizing he does not want.  Get it?

  11. Anon

    November 25, 2008 at 4:55 am

    Dickman is right.  Number 1 rule at the firm.  Don’t fuck the help.

  12. Anonymous

    November 25, 2008 at 8:33 am

    Anon @3:09: She won’t be all set if she marries this guy.  What she’ll do is marry him, get him to pay for law school, become a lawyer herself, get divorced, and then realize no one wants a used-up middle aged divorced lawyer as a wife.

  13. Anonymous

    November 28, 2008 at 9:38 am

    As the other guy said, in a few years even the old ballsacks at the firm wont look at her twice.  A few years of coke, law school and marriage to this dickwad will turn her into a fucked out hag, if she doesn’t get there sooner.  F*** her for all she’s worth now, because later, she’ll have “turned” into something hideous.

  14. Anon

    November 28, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Do the right thing, dude.  Dump your girlfried (she deserves better).  You may have passed the bar four years ago, but you’re not 4th year material.  The only thing you have to fear is your own poor judgment, lack of character, and cowardice.  That also applies to all of you co-conspirators for your adice on how to avoid responsibility for one’s own actions.  Likely, the paralegal regrets her mistake—and it was a mistake.  Hopefully, pregnancy will not be an issue. 
    Oh, and by the way, associates are also “the help.”

  15. Lumbergh

    December 2, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    You Big Law douches are all the same. All corp lawyers are “the help,” no matter how senior you are at your firm. You exist only to take care of the boring grunt work that no self-respecting banker would ever touch. And you probably add a miniscule amount of value to any deal when all is said and done. There is no difference between you and a paralegal. And making $200K after four years of miserable boredom is nothing to be proud of. Chump change at best.

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