I Partied with a Paralegal

I’m a (gay) Summer Associate, and last week I hooked up with this freaky paralegal.  We had sex and did lots of coke.  Stupid, I know.  But now I’m terrified he’s going to ruin my career.  What if he tells someone?  Should I get out in front of this and talk to my summer mentor?  Please advise ASAP.

I’ve heard this before.  Trust me. Well, sort of.  First thing you need to do is shut your mouth and relax (not easy if you’re a coke head, I know) Then, you need to find your nasty paralegal shag-toy and let him know in the kindest way possible your encounter, while fun and memorable, was a one-and-done kind of thing.  But be polite.  And respectful.  Then, remind him that you’re auditioning for a job this summer, that you owe 100K in student loans (even if you don’t), that you’re scared to death about the abysmal economy… and that he should keep your little drug-fueled sex romp confidential.

As for the drug thing, if it ever comes up, deny it.  No matter what.  Unless he has video footage, he can never prove it.  But lay off the blow nonetheless.  Not a great rap for an aspiring attorney.

One more thing, no matter how horny you get this summer, don’t hit up Mr. Paralegal with a late-night, intoxicated text asking if you can swing by, etc… First, it might cost you a permanent offer.  Second, it could easily go viral and make you look like a jackass.  Bottom line:  There are lots of horny freaks out there, my man.  Find one who doesn’t work at your firm.  Unless you don’t care about your career.  If that’s the case, have at it!

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Ex-Bitter is a former big firm lawyer who now doles out advice to anyone who asks. Got a question? Email it to advice@bitterlawyer.com. Or read more Advice from an Ex-Bitter.

12 Comments

  1. Anon

    June 17, 2010 at 10:03 am

    You’re an idiot, dude.

  2. Ywood

    June 17, 2010 at 10:08 am

    This question seems weird.

  3. Smurf

    June 17, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Is there a woman in this story?

  4. Big Jim

    June 17, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    This cat’s a loser.  I hope the paralegal rats him out.

  5. 3L

    June 18, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    I hope the paralegal rats him out and outs i

  6. Anonymous

    June 20, 2010 at 9:01 am

    This guy doesn’t know dik.  On the other hand, he probably knows too much dik.

  7. Gunners = Glorified Law Dorks

    June 21, 2010 at 6:15 am

    if he does rat you out, take him down with you.

  8. Hannah Palindrome

    June 21, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Why are you scared? D.E.N.Y.

  9. A

    June 21, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Why would you bring it up to him?  It will only piss him off, and it will seem condescending. Also, it is more likely to become a piece of gossip if you do that.  Put yourself in his place: “Hey paralegal person. Don’t tell anyone we did that, and it is not going to happen again… because you are below me and it will look bad…for me” Just be friendly and don’t do it again.

  10. Guano Dubango

    June 22, 2010 at 3:11 am

    People should be natural.  This poor man is tormented just because he had a party with another paralegal?  In my firm, this is not unusual, and it is not to be concerned about.  I believe as long as he has been practicing safe sex practice, he should not be in trouble.  In my country, many public locations have free condom dispensaries, both to combat AIDS as well as to prevent unwanted pregnancies.  I believe this should be extended to the USA, so that no one is caught unprepared when they meet the person they wish to become intimate with.

  11. Anonymous

    June 24, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    This is boring.  We really don’t care about some dude who got humped by a paralegal.  Nor do we care who did what to whom.  Get LF 10 back if she’s over Carson or whatever that dork’s name was.

  12. Anonymous

    June 30, 2010 at 3:56 am

    Enough with the scrotal stories.  We want some hot female paralegal tails.  These women still are interested in male lawyers for spouses aren’t they?  That’s why the guys go to law school.  To get the quality snatch they couldn’t get near as college guys. Now get your reporters on it right away!  Repeat after me:  “Poosay, Poosay, Poosay”.  Got it?  Now get to work.

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