I Want a BigLaw Boob Job


QI’m a first year law student at a top 15 school and I want a boob job. Bad. I just do. I’m attractive, but deep down, I know that I’d look much better with larger breasts.  I also want to work in BigLaw when I graduate. After reading about Debrahlee Lorenzano the past week, I’m starting to second-guess my decision. Is there really such a thing as being too sexy for Corporate America? 

ANo. Not as far as I’m concerned anyway. In fact, I encourage any and all gorgeous and sexy women to enter Corporate America immediately.

But breast augmentation is a slippery slope. There are appropriate BigLaw Boob Jobs and inappropriate BigLaw Boob Jobs. In other words, it’s okay to improve your physical presence, and hopefully your self-esteem, but don’t turn yourself into a stripper, err, exotic dancer.  Or tits on a stick, as Ms. Lorenzano might say.

Not to sound like Dr. Phil or anything, but I truly believe that in the workplace, inner-confidence is a far more compelling attribute than physical appearance. So if getting an appropriate boob job helps build your self-esteem and makes you a more confident person, then go for it!

But please, follow these four simple Boob Implant Rules:

  1. Don’t get carried away with size.  Think half-cup to a cup.  Big enough that YOU feel better about your body, but not so big that you look like a Porn Star. Right or wrong, people DO judge women with enormous, fake boobs.
  2. Don’t fall madly in love with your new assets and start wearing super-tight shirts to announce their arrival. Like they say in football, “Act like you’ve been in the End Zone before.”
  3. Continue to wear bras even though you don’t have to. It’s easy to go au natural, and show off the perky boobs, but it’s a rookie move. You might as well just wear a sign on your back saying, “I just got implants!”
  4. Don’t tell co-workers! It’s easy to brag to gal pals about your courageous decision to improve your self-image and all, but don’t do it. Your less-endowed peers (and competitors) will write you off as a corporate hussy and throw you under the BigLaw Bus the first chance they get.
Ex-Bitter is a former big firm lawyer who now doles out advice to anyone who asks. Got a question? Email it to advice@bitterlawyer.com. Or read more Advice from an Ex-Bitter.

26 Comments

  1. Big Jim

    June 15, 2010 at 7:09 am

    Go for it, Sister.  I could sure use a distraction from all this due diligence and mind numbing doc review…

  2. BL1Y

    June 15, 2010 at 7:52 am

    Vacated as moot.  There won’t be any big law jobs when you graduate.

  3. Anon

    June 15, 2010 at 8:07 am

    BL1Y: Good point.  But perhaps the new rack will help this woman land one of the few spots available?

  4. ChickLit

    June 15, 2010 at 8:08 am

    Love #2.  Act like you’ve been in the end zone.  LOL.

  5. Son of Guano

    June 15, 2010 at 8:14 am

    Implants are completely unecessary.  Just having breasts is all that is needed. Bigger ones make you look like a cow refugee from a monster truck event. Your intellect is suspect, other women despise you and the venues where they are valued are reduced. A lot of guys will stare but treat you like the neighborhood slut at a garden party: they want nothing to do with you. Think: is guy going to take you to firm party, neighborhood party, parents house?  no way.  Diet, don’t drink much, work out, keep your hair long…any of these beat a big pair of breasts.

  6. Medium Jim

    June 15, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Does alma have implants? No wait let me guess: perfect natural breasts.

  7. Chick Litigator

    June 15, 2010 at 10:06 am

    @ Medium Jim: LOL.

    If it’ll make you feel better about yourself and you can afford a good, reputable surgeon, then go for it. Just be careful about size. Having rather large (and natural) breasts, I can tell you it’s a bit of a pain to dress without the girls being out and in everybody’s face. Not to mention that large, fake breasts stick out more obviously than an NRA member at a PETA rally. But if that’s the look you’re going for – well, that’s your business.

  8. slim charles

    June 15, 2010 at 11:06 am

    where do you go to school? i’m just curious…

  9. Prom Queen

    June 15, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Wish I could have afforded Law School and a boob job… I’m eating Mac and Cheese and you’re getting fun bags.

  10. Lenny Funbags

    June 15, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    @ chick litigator, marry me!

  11. Alma Federer

    June 16, 2010 at 3:19 am

    I am actually a little small up top, and people have suggested that I have implants, but I will NOT do any surgery just for cosmetic purposes.  It is my belief that people either love me or hate me for ME, not for the size of my mammary glands.  Any guy who would not date me because I am only a 34B is a jerk and he deserves not to get any boobs from anyone.  So I have to live with the fact that there are other women who are more well endowed, and I really dont care for the attention men give their boobs.  Those men ARE boobs.  Fooey on them.

  12. Gunners = Glorified Law Dorks

    June 16, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Sorry to tell you this, but Big Law men are “ass men.”

  13. KateLaw

    June 16, 2010 at 9:21 am

    I guess I can understand wanting a larger chest if you just don’t feel like you have enough up top -everyone should feel good about themselves and how they look.  However, big boobs = pain in the ass and it’s hard to find button-up collared/work-appropriate shirts that don’t bust open or reveal too much in the chest region.  I think it’s funny how every girl I know who actually has a natural rack is modest about it and those that purchase their assets cannot wait to show them off -whether appropriate or not.  I try not to judge them, but I do wonder why anyone would ever want that kind of attention (in the workplace especially)??

  14. Guano Dubango

    June 16, 2010 at 11:02 am

    I do not have to have a woman with large breasts.  However, they must be capable of feeding our children.  I do not believe in using fake formula for our child.  I also would prefer my wife to be shapely, not necessarily big breasts, but some curvature.  I do not want someone for example with 36 breasts but a 36 waist and a 42 hips.  This is what my Aunt Ooona has waiting for me in Ghana, but I prefer American women, so long as they will bear me children.

  15. Deraj

    June 16, 2010 at 11:59 am

    5.  Get your boob job done over the summer, not Spring Break.  That way your enhancement is less obvious to your peers.

  16. son of guano

    June 16, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Law firm men are ass men because men cannot really eye breasts without prompting a call to HR by the woman involved or some annoyed observer. Here in Implantopolis (LA), I think women with implants should be prohibited from making such a complaint.  Looking at large breasts (which I think are unattractive when too large), also pisses off our girl friends and causes office gossip.  PS to Alma: you are right: never get implants; they are worse than puffed up lips.

  17. Anonymous

    June 17, 2010 at 3:17 am

    Women lawyerswould do well to dress the way women do in the tropical islands of the South Pacific.  Wear very loose clothing that do not highlight their boobies.  In fact, women lawyers could do us one better; i.e., follow the lead of Paul Gaugin and wear nothing at all above the waist.  That would go a long way to keeping men interested in them.  Picasso also spent some time painting women’s boobs.  This way the women lawyers would finally stop bitching about not getting enough attention from the men.

  18. Hick Litigator

    June 17, 2010 at 8:20 am

    Just curious Guano: what techniques, devices, scams etc are you using to find this perfect woman? What is not working? Are you wearing the dashiki to bars? Are women reacting well to your pick up lines?

  19. Hannah Palindrome

    June 21, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    HAHAHAHAHA! This girl is a LOSER. Thanks for the laugh.

  20. Leo

    June 23, 2010 at 1:25 am

    haha this is great. Check out <a href=http://lawriot.com>Law Riot</a>.

  21. Son of Guano

    June 23, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Leo: Fuck you and your annoying references to that mediocre site. You are pathetic and its a pale imitation of other sites.  It also lacks what this one has: LF10, a rare find that seems to detest Sex and the city, with perfect breasts that JC Crew tries to suppress, Matt Richardson (“Lawyer to Many, Scumbag to All”), Alma (“i am beautiful and smart but I won’t sleep with anyone, fooey on you”) Federer, Guano (“I need to get laid”) Dubango, chick litigator, some dude that constantly refers to “dames,” BL1Y and his signed copies of some chick’s fashion books, along with his perpetual whining about big law partners, ….When I see a new comment on a piece here, I click to see what Alma is whining about now, what BL1Y has discovered as a new form of associate oppression, if Guano got a date,…I don’t want to see some lame invitation to another site offering useless advice on “how to get ready for your first year of law school (with one piece of advice to the summa cum laudes being “make sure to have pens and highlighters..”). I mean aside from the fact that the site is LAME, its LAME to crash this one. Stop acting like the annoying man or woman who insists on bumptiously handing our cards at a garden party. This site is not for the “don’t forget your highlighter” crowd.  We got highlighters months ago: we’re wondering about breast implants, pec implants, the people we’ll sleep with…etc. Get lost loser.

  22. Anonymous

    June 24, 2010 at 2:58 am

    Son of Guano is probably right.  Poor Leot needs to get laid.  He’ll have to take those colored highlighters out of his pants before he drops them.

  23. vinnie

    June 25, 2010 at 3:24 am

    I’m sorry, but there are no lawyers with tits like this.  Maybe a paralegal or 2, but no lawyers.

  24. Evil Lawyer

    June 25, 2010 at 8:15 am

    I wouldn’t touch the woman in the photo with a pole of any length. The cheap “paste on” nails shout, “I will embarrass you at any party by getting drunk, making a scene, displaying a complete lack of class and you will rarely want to be seen with me in daylight.” (Unless you have to meet her to ask what you caught from her) Her breasts scream cheap clothes, bad perfume, sleazy, heavily tatooed ex boyfriends with wife-beater shirts from wharf-side bars, …ugh.  Sorry. I didn’t become a lawyer to hook up with the ex momma from a motorcycle gang…

  25. Eddy

    June 26, 2010 at 3:47 am

    Evil Lawyer makes a good point.  It’s all a question of making the right choices.  With big open sweaty tits like that, you’d be crazy to take her to any law firm outings.  The older partners will go right for both of those boobs, and if she responds in any way, your life will be tough. Either way—if any of them wind up boning her, you’ll be the laughing stock of the firm; if they don’t get anything, they’ll be angry because you are pounding the twat they thought was up for grabs and came up empty.  Your partnership chances are gone—all because of your choice of a broad that you shouldn’t have brought to the party.  Go for the babes with smaller boobs.

  26. Anonymous

    June 29, 2010 at 3:55 am

    Eddy is right.  No benefit to hanging with stanky boobs, especially when temp and humidity is high.  Minis are best in summer.  Keep the serious milkers for the winter, when you need a warm pillow.

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