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Bitter by Numbers

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by Michael Estrin
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Bitter by Numbers

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[Editors’ Note: For today’s edition of Bitter by Numbers, we collaborated with our friend, the ever-vile (but occasionally insightful) PhilaLawyer, whose magnum opus, Happy Hour is for Amateurs, is now available for purchase at Amazon and in fine bookstores everywhere. Definitely a fun read.]

Seven Species of Legal Website Trolls:

Let’s face a fact: Most of the time lawyers are billing they’re not doing legal work at all. They’re playing on the internet, often reading “blawgs” or any of the numerous lawyer chat boards that have sprung up since the glory days of the original “Greedy Associates” site, when Y2K was our biggest national concern.

And with the proliferation of these sites, so to have come the trolls—those under-the-bridge dwelling miscreants who live for nothing but the satisfaction of aggravating, irritating and insulting as many people as they can via the comments sections of blawgs and threads on chat boards.

We’ve decided to sketch out the prime offenders.  For your reading pleasure (bill as “.3 - Misc. Research re: Penske suit"), here are the seven species of legal website troll:

1.  “This Site Sucks” Guy

Responds to every post on Abovethelaw.com with a comment about how “This site used to be funny, but sucks now.” Never explains why it was better before or why it’s not funny now.  Or why he nevertheless keeps reading it.

Hobbies: Compulsively reading Abovethelaw.com; Compulsively commenting on Abovethelaw.com

Bridge Under Which He Resides: Abovethelaw.com, exclusively
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2. Grammar Teacher

No original thought or criticism of anything in the story or the preceding comments in the thread.  Just a sniffy, self-aggrandizing little note about how someone in a previous comment used “it’s” where “its” was proper.  And therefore is not, and never will be, partner material.

Hobbies: Font-surfing; Complaining to IT department about how WordPerfect form of Courier New was superior to MSWord’s; Reading latest edition of Service Partner Weekly (Non-Equity Edition)

Favorite Bridges: Abovethelaw.com; Infirmation.com
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3.  “First!” Guy

The Forrest Gump of legal chat board trolls.  Pathologically follows website, responding immediately to every new story with “First!” or some variation on it.  Amusing when the reflexive “I’m firsty!” or “These pretzels are making me firsty!” immediately follows story on an office shooting or a noted public interest lawyer’s recent demise from stomach cancer.

Hobbies: Ritalin; Bingo; Pavlovian feedback loops

Preferred Bridge: Abovethelaw.com
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4. “Pwned” Guy

Only appears in flame-wars between commenters.  Offers single-word replies in any exchange where one commenter bests another; ”Pwned!” or ”Pwn3d!” (Hacker-speak for “Burn!” or “You been served!") Clearly buys IT manager’s stories about scoring “boy-band ass.”

Hobbies: World of Warcraft; Masturbation

Bridges of Choice: Autoadmit.com; Jdunderground.com
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5. Reverend Kane

This poster is the internet equivalent of Reverend Kane, the walking skeleton who comes to the door of the house in Poltergeist and starts screaming hysterically, “You’re going to die!  All of you are going to die!” Any time Kane sees a story or comment about alternative careers for lawyers, he immediately posts a litany of reasons anyone who even attempts to leave the field for something better will fail, contract a loathsome disease and die penniless, alone and cursing the moment he considered abandoning The Law.

Hobbies: Digging his rut until he reaches China

Bridges Under Which He Seethes: Abovethelaw.com; Infirmation.com
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6.  The “TTT” Brigade

This species responds to any post or story suggesting career dissatisfaction with a screed explaining why the poster or subject of the story is clearly “TTT” material—one who attended a “third tier toilet” law school.  Confusion abounds, however, as in recent years the term has been used so frequently, for so many purposes, (in many cases randomly and with no apparent meaning at all) that it’s basically become a sign of chat board Tourette’s.

Beeotch: So I got the new Magic The Gathering cards set today.
Fuckstick:  Ha ha.  Fucking TTT fuck!
Beeotch: What?
Fuckstick: I’ll be by at 7, TTT douche!

Hobbies: Attending miserable TTT law school; Nihilist Society

Favored Bridges: Autoadmit.com; Jdunderground.com
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7.  The Rapierist Wit

This Casanova uses the chat board to woo fellow classmates, offering wry witticisms on their previous dating misadventures:

Learnedhandjob: You see that chick in Torts with the huge rack?
Jackoff: Her name’s Marissa.  She fucked like five guys in the class above us.  Loves it in the ass.
Learnedhandjob: I’d fucking hit that shit till it was raw, yo.
Jackoff: Fucking TTT bitch!  Assplay = Pwned!

Hobbies: Catching, mutilating stray cats; Stalking

Home Bridge: Autoadmit.com
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Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.