ICC to Prosecute 50,000,000 Call of Duty Players for War Crimes

In a stunning move the International Criminal Court in The Hague has unsealed an indictment accusing over 50,000,000 Call of Duty players of war crimes. Some of the allegations are as minor as camping a spawn site. Others, however, are much more horrifying.

IpwnnoobsX1X is accused of an elaborate scheme whereby he had a co-conspirator join the opposing side during a team-death-match. IpwnnoobsX1X set up two TV’s next to each other so he could gain an unfair advantage by observing his co-conspirator’s screen and see the operations of the other team. This led the player to achieve an absurdly high 40-1 kill death ratio. According to the ICC, the incident with IpwnnoobsX1X got the ball rolling on this entire investigation. An ICC spokes person stated, “Any time we see a conflict with anything more than a 10-1 KDR we know we have to look into it, whether it’s someone using white phosphorus, screen looking, chemical weapons, or a clip hack, something’s going wrong.”

A real break in this case appears to have come when an anonymous informant gave investigators critical information on the in game crimes. An informant identified only as”Player 1″ was being investigated for murdering the dancing chickens in the SEATOWN map. To avoid prosecution, Player 1 helped investigators break into the inner circle of Call of Duty war criminals.

Prosecutors say that the indictment was necessary because the normal self governance of the game universe was not working appropriately. “In the past, other players would simply berate the war criminal with homophobic epithets. Now that doesn’t seem to be helping at all.”

The ICC is apparently taking a strong stand on this issue. Out of the 50,000,000 charged, about half are facing the prospect of the ultimate penalty, a permaban.

(image: portrait of soldiers group with jungle camouflage over white via Shutterstock)

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