The Internet Giveth


A Danish man committed suicide by tiger. Yep. Go ahead and read that again. The man, in his early 20s, broke into the Copenhagen Zoo and climbed into the tiger pen with the sole intention of getting Siegfried and Royed. That takes some dedication. Maybe if he put that much effort into his normal life he wouldn’t want to die. Still “suicide by tigers” on the death certificate is pretty boss. It’s really a shame to see his talents go to waste while the rest of the following people are still alive and breathing.

It’s a tough job market

Vanessa Hojda became internet famous this week after accidentally emailing a picture of actor Nic Cage in response to a job posting. The unemployed 20-year-old attempted to apply for a receptionist position but attached a picture of the beady-eyed Cage with his maniacal grin instead of her résumé. As the story became more well known, Hojda started to hear from numerous other employers regarding potential employment.

Here is my question: Who’s sitting behind a desk reading this story and thinking “This girl sounds like a good fit for our company?” She couldn’t properly attach a document to an email and people think this level of idiocracy places her on the fast track to a promotion. What world am I living in? Oh that’s right . . . this happened in Canada.

Let me tell you how we handle this in the heartland of the U.S. of A. Jason Dornhoff walked into a Kearney, Nebraska restaurant and filled out a job application. After listing the basics, Dorhoff wrote a bomb threat on the back of the application. Boom. That is how you get a job. That is what people in the know call intangibles. Sure, it probably hurts Dornhoff’s employment chances that he was high on meth and “went to the restaurant hoping to find a way to fulfill his sexual fantasies.” Still, I got a sneaky suspicion that Dornhoff is management material . . . once he gets out of prison, of course.

Fucking Hawaii

Hawaii needs to get their shit together. Just living the dream and not giving a shit about it. Wearing Hawaiian shirts all day and drinking everything out of a coconut—pretty much the definition of zero fucks given. The University of Hawaii put $200,000 deposit down for a benefit concert starring Stevie Wonder . . . they just forgot to inform the artist. The concert/benefit has been cancelled while university officials are trying to recover the $200,000 paid in what appears to be a scam. Sitting around thinking, “Let’s invent a Stevie Wonder concert. No reason to tell him. We can just keep Stevie in the dark — dude is blind as a bat. What does he know anyways.”

Oh I’m not done with you Hawaii. Kauai, Hawaii attorney, Lawrence McCreery, has been convicted of harassment and being a “dirty old man” for licking a client’s ear. McCreery was found guilty after testimony from a former client who stated he told the 21-year-old woman “You look so good,” and “Too bad you’re married.” The woman said he made a “weird sound” and hugged her tightly right before he licked the back of her right ear.

An awkward hug, “weird sound,” and an ear licking… I don’t care how earresistible this girl was you can’t do something this creepy when your last name is McCreery. Without question, people are going to call you McCreepy for the rest of your life. Also, a $250 fine has got to be the most costly wet willie of all time. I’ve gotten my fair share of an earful from blowhard attorneys but McCreepy takes the cake. Seriously though, who the hell licks an ear? Dude is 64-years-old, not an awkward high school kid with braces. Grow up Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

Post image from Shutterstock.com

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

2 Comments

  1. Sweetpea

    July 16, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    So being a dirty old man is now a crime? High time. I can just imagine this case being cited some time in the near future, “In Hawaii, a man was charged with being a dirty old man for merely licking an ear, Your Honor, and Mr. CreepyPants,didn’t just lick an ear, he walked up and bit my client on the chin, groped her breast, and made lewd eyebrow gestures at her! He, too, should be charged with being a dirty old man!”

    • The Dean

      July 18, 2012 at 9:00 am

      I better tell my dad to stay away from Hawaii.

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