Deposition Re: Katy Perry’s Whereabouts Last Friday Night


Poetic Justice, where Bitter Lawyer mashes poems, lyrics, and depositions to come up with a unique brand of resampled artisanal legal work. We also curate found depositions and other legal literacy. If you come across an awesome piece of poetic justice or feel the need to create one yourself, send it our way. We’ll take a look.

This week: an obviously exasperated counsel tries to get details of what Katy Perry did last Friday night.

      MS. COOPER: Thanks, Ms. Perry. And we've returned
      from a short break where you asked, where counsel
      wished to confer with you, and I want to state for
      the record that Ms. Perry had about twenty, about
      twenty-five minutes to confer with her attorney.
      I need to remind you again that you're under oath.
      And when we last left off, I believe it was Saturday
      morning and you just woke up. What did you notice
      when you woke up?
A.    There's a stranger in my bed.
Q.    A stranger. How did that strike --- what else did you
      see at that point?
A.    There's a pounding in my head.
Q.    I'm asking what you saw. I may ask how you felt, but
      for now let's stick with what you saw on Saturday morning.
      So, other than the stranger in your bed, what else did
      you see?
A.    Glitter all over the room.
Q.    What else?
A.    Pink flamingos in the pool.
Q.    Ms. Perry? Are you OK? Do you need another break?
A.    I smell like a minibar.
Q.    Yes, yes, you do, actually.
      MR. KLINE: Is that a question, Counsel? Katy, please
      pay attention to the questions.
Q.    Ms. Perry, what did you see when you woke up on
      Saturday morning?
A.    DJ's passed out in the yard.
Q.    Anything else?
A.    Barbie's on the barbeque . . . [pauses]
Q.    Ms. Perry?
      MR. KLINE: Katy, please.
A.    There's a hickie or a bruise.
      MR. KLINE: Katy, honest. Should we take ---
Q.    Just for the record, Ms. Perry, you are pointing
      to a large reddish to purplish spot on your neck,
      about the size of a small possum's head, is that
      right?
A.    Pictures of last night ended up online.
      MR. KLINE: Katy, there's no question in front of you.
      MS. COOPER: John, enough of the commentary, please.
      She indicated online pictures, I will follow up with
      that if I decide, but please, no further interruptions.
      MR. KLINE: I'm trying to keep this moving.
      BY MS. COOPER: Ms. Perry, what did you think on
      Friday night, and I'll refer to it as last Friday night
      or even "last night" for purposes of the record. What
      did you think … strike that. What did you think on
      Saturday morning when you woke up and saw the Barbies
      on the barbeque, pink flamingos in the pool, DJs
      passed out in the yard?
A.    I'm screwed.
Q.    Screwed? And, after that, any other thoughts or reaction?
A.    Oh, well.
Q.    You don't remember what else you thought? Just
      "I'm screwed, oh, well."
A.    It's a black top blur but . . .
Q.    So, would you describe that as ---
A.    --- I'm pretty sure it ruled.
Q.    Just "pretty sure?" Why don't I try this. Going back
      again to that night, Friday, May --
A.    Last Friday night
Q.    Last Friday night, sure, we've established that.
      By referring to last Friday night that I'm referring to
      Friday, May 27, 2011. Do you remember that night?
A.    Yeah we danced on tabletops and ---
Q.    -- Anything else, or did you just dance on ---
A.    We took too many shots. Think we kissed but ---
Q.    -- How many shots did you take?
A.    -- I forgot.
Q.    You forgot. On Friday, May 27, 2011 ---
A.    Last Friday night.
Q.    Yes, Last Friday night, and when I say last Friday night
      I mean Friday, May --- Just a second. Friday May 27, 2011.
      Let me ask you this, Ms. Perry, that night, what we're
      calling last Friday night, how did you pay for things,
      like the shots, at the bar?
A.    Yeah, we maxed our credit cards.
      MS. COOPER: John, I think we've made a request for her
      credit card records and ---
      MR. KLINE: I have them here, we have them. We can talk
      about the documents.
Q.    OK, and once you maxed your credit cards, what happened?
A.    And got kicked out of the bar.
Q.    And then, after maxing out the credit cards and getting
      kicked out of the bar, what did you do?
A.    So we hit the boulevard
Q.    So, on Friday, May 27 ---
A.    --- Last Friday night --
Q.    --- 2011, last Friday night, you were out on the
      boulevard, had too many shots, maxed out your credit
      cards. What did you do then?
A.    We went streaking in the park.
Q.    Streaking? You stripped nude, took off all your clothes
      and just ran through the park? What park?
A.    Skinny dipping in the dark.
Q.    I asked what park. What park did you run through
      and go skinny dipping?
      MR. KLINE: Objection, mischaracterizes her testimony.
      She did not say she went skinny dipping in the park.
      It was in the dark.  Skinny dipping in the dark.
A.    Then had a menage a trois.
      MR. KLINE: Katy, please, there is no question being asked.
Q.    I don't believe this. You are talking about Friday,
      May 27, 2011. And I think we established it was ---
A.    -- Last Friday night.
Q.    Ms. Perry, please. I understand, last Friday night.
      You earlier said you had too many shots. How many,
      as best as you can recall?
      MR. KLINE: We're talking May 27, 2011?
      MS. COOPER: Yes, Last Friday night, as she calls it.
      Ms. Perry, taking into account the number of shots,
      the skinny dipping, the nudity, running in the park,
      passed out DJs, Barbie dolls . . . taking all of that
      into account, did you think that anything was out of
      control that night?
A.    Yeah, I think we broke the law.
Q.    Did anyone say, for example, "I'm not liking this"
      or "This may not be legal?"
A.    Always say we're gonna stop-op.
Q.    Someone said, "we're gonna stop-op." Was that stop-op?
      Did you say stop-op or was it something else?
A.    Whoa-oh-oah
      MS. COOPER: Counsel, I can't continue like this.
      The record is a mess, I'm not sure she's fit to testify ---
      and Ms. Perry refers constantly to the date of the
      alleged events as "last Friday night --
A.    --- This Friday night.
      MS. COOPER: --- What? Wait. This Friday night? Oh, great.
      Not this. Counsel . . . John, we're not going to
      keep going over this again and again.
A.    Do it all again. This Friday night.
Q.    No, I'm done. This deposition is over.
A.    Do it all again
      MR. KLINE: We'll read and sign.
      MS. COOPER. She really does smell like a minibar.

Source: Last Friday Night by Katy Perry, Dr. Luke, Max Martin, and Bonnie McKee.

(Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nooccar/5866209387)

The Bitter Poet is one-part bitter lawyer, two parts failed literary star. Read more from Bitter Poet or submit your own bitter poetry or literary genius to info@bitterlawyer.com

7 Comments

  1. Ellen

    September 9, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    I look alot like Katy Perry! I do not wear the same clotheing, however.

    • Bethany

      September 9, 2011 at 10:31 pm

      In reality, you’re an internet 6 and you’re an expert with Myspace angles. Best of luck to you.

  2. Truth

    September 9, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    So you admit that you’re ugly. Thanks for clearing that up.

  3. Revenant Shadow

    September 9, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    This was a tedious and UN-amusing exercise,actually. Goodbye.

    • Alan T.

      September 10, 2011 at 10:34 am

      Obviously, you are not a lawyer. Now, get off our lawn.

  4. rob delaney

    September 10, 2011 at 1:19 pm

  5. Brian STL

    September 10, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    LOL@ Bethany

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>